Posted in Life

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

And, if you aren’t an American, than happy whatever the equivalent holiday, and well wishes to you regardless! ūüôā

To everyone that is celebrating, celebrate! Celebrate your family, your loved ones, the fact that there is a time for togetherness set aside as a National Holiday. Many places will be closed and allow us to stop our busy lives momentarily and just be. So, regardless of how close you are to your family or loved ones, hopefully you will set aside some time today to think of them, and how lucky you were to have them in your lives and to send well wishes their way in whatever way you can. I know the weather is keeping some families apart on this day, but it isn’t the day, it is the time spent.¬† If you can’t get together until Monday, don’t fret, your love isn’t worth more on Thursday… it is worth the same.

So cherish the people in your lives, and feel good. Celebrate your life, and think on the good times, not the bad, and remember to smile! it is contagious much like yawning!

I am determined to be a mood enhancer instead of a downer. I am not going to let any drama get in my way, whether of my creation or not. Nothing will stop me from enjoying the moments with those that really care for me. And, to the ones I care for that are far away, I hope your time with your families has went well, and that it is a good experience for you. Know that you are in my thoughts, and that I wish you well!

Now that I got all that out of the way, I’d like to say I am drifting toward being too serious again. I don’t want to lose the lightness, charm, and silliness. I think part of enjoying life is being able to laugh it off, and shrug. I want to keep the good feelings going, and I don’t want to get into the old trap of freaking out. So, I am going to make an effort to stay light, and not tell people what they should do, because how do I know? What is good advice to one person, is horrible advice to another, and I don’t want to become one of those writers that acts like they have all the answers.¬† I learn as I go along, by trial and error same as the rest of you.

I am far from wise, and I know it.¬† I do believe knowledge is power. Whether we choose to use that power or not, is never a given.¬† Sometimes knowing is enough, sometimes we have to act on our knowledge to get anything from it.¬† Maybe some knowledge is like the atom bomb, not to be used but just the idea of having it can be used as a weapon, and some knowledge is trivial, and won’t affect much, and everything in between. Either way, I hope everyone takes care of each other and gives their dear ones a big hug sometime today.¬† A hug never hurt anyone, unlike the A-bomb.¬†ūüôā

Posted in Life, Writing

Uncertainty and Personal Responsibility…and The White Fluffy Stuff

So I am bored and snowed in. Got so much snow, not sure if I am working tomorrow or not, or what’s going on. This of course gets me thinking about that dreaded feeling of uncertainty we all get when we don’t know what’s going to happen next. In a movie it is called suspense, and generally is considered a good thing, keeps the interest going. In your life, it is often stressful, and causes anxiety, not a good thing. I also want to touch on personal responsibility, as it appears to be harder to find people who actually accept and use it.

As far as uncertainty goes, we all have some of it in our lives. Nothing is set in stone, nothing is ever one hundred percent guaranteed. There is always an element of risk, it is all about how much you are willing to take, and whether the reward is worth it to you.

Ultimately, in my experience, the additional anxiety caused by worrying about possible futures that may or may not happen is a big waste of time. Often the end result that we suffer so much worrying about doesn’t even come to pass. It is good to be prepared, and to use your knowledge and past experiences to avoid repeating mistakes. There is a time and place for blind faith, but, it would be foolhardy to risk it all constantly.¬†There becomes a point where gambling becomes less fun and more irresponsible and dangerous. Still, you can’t always play it safe, or you will miss out on alot of potential things in life. Promotions at work, people as friends, lovers, or even business contacts, or life in general. Our lives are made up of our experiences, good and bad. Both of these¬†kinds of experiences¬†partially create the person we are in this moment.

For example, I would be a much different person today if I had stayed in my marriage, or if¬† I had never gotten married. I might have been plagued by pointless “what if”ing, or maybe not. I will never know, but unless you are planning on writing an alternative history novel, I don’t see the point of dwelling on the past. You should deal with the past, not bury it, but once dealt with, you have to move on to greener pastures. You cannot time travel and fix it. And, if you could, how do you know if things would be better? You will never know, so instead, channel the what ifs, and the¬†maybe’s into some passion of yours. For me, it is writing. I borrow pieces of people who I have met, and known over the years and mix them up with invented traits, and pieces of me. It is like venting, but kinda productive.¬† Makes for a rich cast of fictional people because there is an element of the non fiction in all writing. It is based on our experiences. Just as there is an element of fiction in most non fiction, via writer bias and flawed memories.

As far as taking responsibility goes, I get tired of people passing the buck, or blaming everyone else. Time to own up. And, if you do manage to mess up, clean up your mess. Don’t just shrug and go oh well, that is too bad. Someone has to do it, might as well be the person responsible. Oh, there is that word again, responsibility. Now, to tie these two things together isn’t actually as difficult as it appears. They go hand in hand. If you don’t take responsiblity for your actions, you will continue to find yourself in various crises, and also will most likely have a trail of past mistakes trailing after you.

Until you own it, and make amends for your past, take responsibility for what you messed up on, you are destined to repeat it. I have found it freed up my conscious to admit to myself my mistakes, how I contributed to how things have went in my life. It is freeing to know where you goofed, and it is nice to know not to do that again. Now, don’t take all the responsibility on your shoulders. There are always more than one reason for how things go. But, I do feel it is important for people to own their part of it.

As far as uncertainty goes, embrace it! It is part of being alive. We would all be so bored if we had all the answers and knew the screenplay of our lives by heart. If you don’t want to be plagued by the road less traveled, then get off the path a little. Maybe you are playing it too safe.

*May everyone who lives where it is snowing drive carefully, and be safe! Ice is nothing to gamble on! ūüôā

Posted in Fiction, Writing

Danger, Danger…(a character study)

With steely eyes and a sure grin, she aimed the rifle casually at the unsuspecting deer. She watched as it nibbled absently at a tuft of grass, and paw the ground a bit, oblivious to its fate.  Her partner knelt next to her, shivering despite his thick coat and fur lined gloves.

She wore a little smirk as her fingers slowly tightened on the trigger, waiting for the right moment to strike. Suddenly, the forest exploded in sound as she pulled the trigger, leaving the echo. The deer had a frozen look of fear and went down midleap, twitching, spasming, as its life’s blood trickled from the small circular wound in its majestic chest, eyes rolling back revealing the whites before shuddering still. Silence encompassed them now as the other creatures of the woodland bounded, fluttered, or skittered away with the gunshot, leaving the two hunters completely alone.

The man looked at his partner, the huntress, the killer, the triumphant gleam in her eye of victory, dominance, and superiority. He shivered again, rubbing his gloved hands together to ward off the additional chill he was experiencing.¬† She approached the corpse and took out her knife. The man found himself looking away, uncertain.¬† He’d done this before himself, but somehow watching her, experiencing her gutting the animal was different. Something about the look in her eyes as she confidently went about her business, about the lack of stereotypical femininity, bothered him. She became unreal, animalistic; a lioness in her environment.

He had the feeling that he could be next, that he was merely one kind of conquest among many, and that she would carefully gut him, detached from it when she was through with him much like a biology student dissects a frog.¬† He knew these thoughts were irrational. He knew she wasn’t a lioness. She wouldn’t devour him or break him into a million pieces like glass. But the fear remained and formed an invisible barricade between them.

Ironically, her willingness to learn to hunt was an attempt¬† on her part to bridge the gap, to break the barricade down. But like everything else, it was her nonchalance, her over capability, her ability to achieve easily that added fuel to the fire of his increasing insecurity.¬† He wanted to break their engagement but he could imagine the look in her eyes, the “How dare you…who do you think you are” moments. He was paralyzed by the fear of indecision. Like a deer caught in the glare of the headlights of an oncoming car. No matter what he did he heard the warning in his mind,”danger,danger!”

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

What My Toddler Taught Me the Other Day…

I have been experimenting with my webcam, as my Facebook¬†friends are well aware, and I was going to upload an intro video for here, but ran into the whole, uh, no¬†you can’t do that without paying money thing. So, I won’t be doing that after all, and I was kinda looking forward to it. I guess for this entry, I will be touching on disappointment. Because I was disappointed that I couldn’t upload a video, but also, I have been running into a lot of things that could be disappointing, or have been disappointing, but, you can choose to not let it get you down.

For example, last night I had some good quality time with the family, and my young son was in a bad mood, he had missed his nap and he is only two years old. Soon, my mom was grumpy, then I was grumpy, then my dad, then my brothers, and pretty soon it was kinda tense.¬† It illustrated to me, how negative emotions, feelings can spread, from one person to the next. It was kinda amazing looking back, when I wasn’t in the cloud anymore, and realizing it all started with my son being grumpy. Of course, the situation got so tense, that we started making jokes, changing the subject, and eventually the tension was relieved, and later, even, my son was in a great mood, very happy. and we were all smiling, and laughing.¬†Positive emotions are¬†also infectious.¬† It’s nice to know it works both ways.

However, why am I telling you all this? This wasn’t disappointing? Well, I was disappointed in myself, for allowing myself to be drawn into the negativity, for slipping into snappiness, for being a part of the problem. I have been so happy lately, I thought nothing could bring me down. And, this just awakened in me the realization that contentment is fragile. That you can get drawn into the chaos, and you have to take a moment, and try to step back from the situation. Don’t let it escalate, don’t become a part of the problem. I realized this later, although at the time, I did make a conscious choice to stop contributing, and I am glad that I had the sense to do that.

The real disappointment came later, my son seemed to be ready to go. He willingly got his coat and shoes on, said something about a field trip. I just kinda said, yeah, sure, why not. I had no idea that he thought we were actually going on a¬† field trip at 8pm. Needless to say, when we pulled into our parking spot, he flipped out on me, refused to leave the car, and cried, “FIELD TRIPPPPPP!!!!!” I was completely taken aback. I had no idea he thought we were going someplace, when I thought he was on my page, that it was time to go home. I eventually hauled him upstairs, pointed out that the stars were out, and that it was too late for a field trip, and that we could go on one tomorrow. He wasn’t mollified by this.¬† Eventually, I waited it out, and he took off his coat, and let me rock him in the rocking chair, until he fell asleep. He was disappointed and he handled it like a typical toddler, by throwing a tantrum. As adults, we can’t handle it this way, and still be ¬†considered as ¬†functional in society. We have to swallow it, or confess it, or bury it, or deal with it. Dealing with it, is usually¬†the best way, although it can be the most unpleasant at the time.

I guess my point is, no matter what you are kicking yourself in the behind¬†about, you can always go on that field trip tomorrow, there is always hope, there is always another try.¬† If you are disappointed, don’t let it ruin things, know that as long as you are breathing and able, there is always a chance it will work out down the line. Sometimes, timing is everything, and sometimes, we get caught up in our own cloud of negativity, and it is hard to see that you are in it until you are out.

Posted in Writing

False Starts

Figured I should address the writing project front even if I am reluctant to do so.¬† My current issue is what I like to call “false starts.” Basically, I keep writing intros, and not feeling into the story. it is next to impossible for me to write something, if I am not into it. It is like swimming upstream, going against the current. It can be done, but, it takes so much work, it drains the fun right out. And, as fun as it would be to make a living at writing, I don’t make a penny. It is something I do for fun. So, Nanowrimo¬†for me has been a complete failure. I don’t know if I didn’t do enough pre planning, or if the pressure itself threw me off. But, I noticed I have a book called Write a Novel in a Month. Maybe, I will crack that open and see if I can get anywhere that way. Maybe this just wasn’t my year. Maybe I was too rusty, not in the groove. I haven’t been writing consistently since I stopped going to my little writer’s group, and that was a year or two ago, now? I can’t seem to keep track of time anymore. It is like having a kid destroys the ability to function.

Either way, that’s the update. I have like 3 or 4 craptastic intros I plan on never showing a soul, and no real story. But, on the plus side, I have gotten excited about writing again,and I feel like I am getting my groove back just by typing this blog. Even if it is just my ramblings, it is still getting me back in shape, writing wise. And, I am even thinking about attempting a video from my webcam, see if I can manage that, and you can all see me in motion, and know that, I am in fact a real person. No promises though,¬† I have done some practice video, just need to find a good topic, and maybe I’ll just do an introduction, like this is who I am, my favorite color is… my favorite animal is…. I’m such and such feet tall, and I love eggs for breakfast…:)

Posted in Life

Acceptance is the Best Gift you can Give Someone

This was another idea I had last night, but I nearly forgot it. But it is something I want to touch on, because I think it is important. I think too few people realize it. Or realize it late in life. The greatest gift you can give someone isn’t love. I used to think it was. And, that sounds very romantic. But, it isn’t. Because you can fall for an illusion, or you can think you love someone and not really know them.

I think, before you even worry about love, or giving love, you need to accept yourself, and accept the person, for who they are, as they are. Too often people (myself included, guilty as charged!)think that they can tinker, fix, alter, change, encourage, provoke, cause someone to be what they want. If you want to custom order a lifesize doll as a mate, I think they made a movie about that? Lars and the Real Girl. (i like this movie btw, it is funny, and strangely moving.)

Otherwise, you have to accept people, or not accept people. But if you want to know the greatest thing you can do for someone, accept them as they are, just be happy that they are them, and not someone else, whether they are family, lover, or friend. Just let them be. Don’t try to change them. If you don’t like them, why are you hanging out with them? Accept them, if they are gay, straight, bi, alien, 4 legs, whatever. They are who they are. Love what you love about them, and accept what you don’t. Focus on the positive. And, find inner peace. If you must work on someone, the best person is yourself. Because that is the only person you have any control over, or should have any control over. (there are some abusive types, but obviously this is bad.)

So, when I am asked what I want for Christmas, I am going to say…. Accept me as I am. Do not pick at my faults, embrace them. Do not tear me down, lift me up. Find what it is you like about me, and embrace that. And in return, I will accept you… I will accept you, as you are, as is. Sometimes it is the second hand stores that have the best clothes/furniture. As people, we are all second, third, fortieth hand, we have all been exposed to, and experienced alot of events and other people. Embrace it! *smile* You are on candid camera…well,I’m being candid at least. Not sure about the camera part, just always wanted to say that. hehe.

The other gift you can give yourself….don’t take yourself, or life too seriously….Life is too short,(read other post if you don’t get this.)¬†oops!*Note to self, find another way to say that, please!¬†ūüėõ

Posted in Life, Writing

Life is too short…and other Overused Phrases of Mine

I was debating putting this in the writing category, since it does touch on that. But, I think I will keep it in both writing and life. Because, it touches on that too. Have you noticed sometimes people have catch phrases or words they tend to say over and over? Worst case scenario is valley girl speak, where the word “like” is like, put in as every other word, like that makes any sense, you know, like because it is cool, and totally, like, unnecessary…like…shoot me now..figuratively, not literally, please!

That is the worst case scenario. I find myself saying “Anyways, or anyhow” as my filler words of choice. I will often begin a sentence with either of these, even when I am not changing the subject, which is what the words are for. I think it is just how I talk, so it translates into my writing. I have decided to attempt to cut back on “anyways or anyhow.” Wish me luck, as I have wrote¬†about before, if you have been doing a habit for a long time, it makes it very difficult to break. However, if I am going to write how I talk, then I should try to use a more varied vocabulary, because, if like follows form (there’s that pesky like word again.) it should also translate into my writing. Complete craziness? Or do you think this will work?

Now, on to Life is too Short….this is what I tend to say when I don’t know what else to say, when someone tells me their life story/problem and they seem to be working up the anxiety, and I really don’t even understand why they are doing this. I just say Life is too short. They think about it, and go, you know, you’re right. I won’t worry about whether I am going to go on vacation to Alaska or Hawaii, or whether I am going to have tea with honey or tea with sugar…because it doesn’t matter.¬† Life is too short works. If someone is going on and on about boy/girl trouble. And, you aren’t sure if you can say something comforting, tell them life is too short. They will respond, “You’re so right. I shouldn’t dwell on so and so, life is too short, I have to focus on me.” (this worked on me, actually, don’t know who said it, but, no matter what the situation, the other person somehow gets the answer they need from it.)

Now, there are situations where I would not use it…if someone has experienced a tragic loss…Life is too short, is completely, completely inappropriate. The person knows, and is painfully aware just how short it can be. In fact, this situation is the most awkward for me, because there isn’t a right thing to say. So, keep it simple. If it is in a business/acquaintance¬†type situation, a simple im sorry for your loss, or my condolences will work. if it is a close friend , or family member…sometimes a nice hug is the best form of communication. Don’t say anything, just hug that person, let them cry on your shoulder. That is the best response.

Now, to tie those two things together…I now find myself “defaulting” to life is too short whenever I worry or think about anything too much. And, again, ruins the whole varied vocabulary ideal. Life may be too short, but there has to be other ways to say it, or imply it. Just because you can use it for a lot of situations doesn’t mean you should. Something to think about…

Posted in Life

Lottay or lattee…Pronounciation and the idea of NOW

Another random musing. This one has to do with pronunciation. My parents treated me to Starbucks and are getting me snow tires because they know I can’t afford it otherwise. Well, I meant the tires, but in truth, Starbucks is also a luxury at this point.¬† My poor dad isn’t an espresso¬†drinker, he doesn’t know the lingo, or how to order an espresso.¬† So, me and my Mom share a little chuckle at his expense when he orders me a Cinnamon Dolce LATTEY. And, then they ask what size, and I tell him, Grande. And he says, Grande? like it is a question, mumbling something along the lines of… “I feel like I’m ordering Mexican?”¬† And then, after thinking about it, enjoying this Latte, sipping its sweetness and feeling the warmth cascade down my throat, how did I download this innate coffee lingo? How did I get my coffee knowledge? Was there a time when I would’ve mispronounced Latte? I remember my Mom calling it “expresso” back in the day, and I found it a little embarrassing. (I was a kid, we are embarrassed by everything our parents say, or don’t say.)

But when did this lingo revolution occur? When did I get all this knowledge? Was it like the Matrix, did I lean back in a chair while someone¬† prepared my disc and implanted it? I honestly cannot remember learning what a latte was, or when I learned this. I remember a movie that a lot¬†of people hated back in the day, Hudson Hawk.¬†In Hudson Hawk Bruce Willis makes several references to cappuccino. It is kinda conspicuous, it pops up so much, in the movie, it is almost like it was the new trend or something back then. Now, you wouldn’t see that in the movie, they would just have the character get a mocha, or a latte.

It is like when all video game machines were called Nintendos. It used to be, what are you doing? “Oh, playing Nintendo.” Now it is… What are you doing? “Oh, I am console gaming while I am waiting for this WoW patch to download on my laptop while my Ipod sincs¬†with my Itunes¬†on the desktop, and my digital camera downloads the latest photos of me and my latest Ebay¬†purchases while I surfed on my Iphone….”

Yeah… and when people no longer know how to communicate or pronounce anything face to face, and it is all “Lawls” and “ROFLMAO” and “nub” and the english language won’t matter. And I’ll be wondering, when did I hear about this Latte crap? We do coffee intravenously, when did I get this knowledge? I need that Lottie in 1.5 secs, need my fix now. As I am used to faster and faster download times, I no longer have the patience to wait even the second it takes to put the coffee in a cup, I need it NOW! On that note…..lawl. ūüėõ *Breathe* Take a moment, take a second, to just breathe. Sometimes modern life is too much, and everyone is in the “hurry up so I can wait mode.” We can wait, we will get there when we get there. We don’t need to hurry. Take the time to mispronounce the roses…there is plenty of time.

Posted in Life

Good Times

So I have been blessed to have a week of paid time off, and alot of time to think about things and read bad advice online about love and life. Now, it is kinda mean to say it is bad advice. But the thing about any advice, is that it is bad if it isn’t tailored to the needs of the person on the receiving end. So, when you read stuff online you get contradictory answers and a lot of people wanting¬† you (Well, me in this case.) to shell out 40 plus bucks to learn their secrets. Secrets like how to be happy, and how to be successful, how to make a bunch of money, how to win and keep the love of your life, to do everything and anything from becoming closer to God, to finding out what you really want (okay, an ebook will tell you how to do that?? Is the author privy to your inner workings and thoughts, experiences? Didn’t think so. )

So that’s what I mean by bad advice, not that it will kill you, or that it means harm, but, it doesn’t really help you because while well meaning, it can’t be fully applied to your problem/situation. Except in a general sense. And, I have found alot of the “advice” are from writers like me, who are just putting out their opinions/thoughts on the subject and aren’t really anymore qualified and aren’t anymore informed than anyone else. I have found the way to learning for me, is the hard way. In other words, by making mistakes and stumbling around, and then learning okay, I won’t do THAT again.¬† You can’t read or research actual experience. You have to get out there and let it happen. So, that is what I think I will do. I will DO. Actions speak louder than words, and actions lead to results. Not thinking, not talking, not reading. Doing. Good old fashioned doing.

So…want to read¬†my opinion on how to be happy? Lead a fulfilling life, filled with interesting people. Be interesting. If you find yourself boring, so will others. Do something you enjoy. Don’t talk about someday, what if, maybe, if the stars align at this moment in this year, as Nike says, JUST DO IT! Be happy. I read somewhere that happiness is a choice. ( I know, I read somewhere, didn’t I just say to not read….wait..are you reading this???) I am starting to believe, no, I am starting to know, this is the case.

You can choose to see what you don’t have, what you don’t like, people you don’t like. Or, you can choose to see what you do have, what you do enjoy, surround yourself with people you do like.¬† Life doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes I think the internet has overcomplicated things by allowing introverts like myself to remain introverted. It is hard to get out there, and I am still struggling with it, and the internet makes it so easy to sit back and let things pass you by. You can refresh facebook and read interesting links, or you can get out there and do things, that make it so you have something interesting TO link. Which would you rather do?

Posted in Writing

What is the Writing Bug? Is it related to the Acting Bug??

I was thinking that writing this blog has somehow got me reenergized about writing, and how I feel like I have got the writing bug again. Last time I had a serious case of the writing bug was in 2001 when I wrote my huge unfixable novel in three months, that no one can read. Yeah, that was real useful. Hmm. But, I focused and enjoyed doing it while I was doing it. So, I refuse to see it as a waste of time. And, it is still on the massive to do list, in the fixer upper (Like those huge old houses that it costs more to upkeep and renovate than they are worth, but¬†people do it out of love? Yeah, that’s my¬†novel. )¬†category.

So what do I mean, by writing bug? Is it a physical thing like in alien, that possesses you, then pops out of your stomach all evil like? Well, as interesting as that would be, the realist has to admit that no, it isn’t like alien. It isn’t a physical bug, or creature, although that would be cool if it was. (the kid in me is like, oooh, yeah, cool! lol. How unprofessional is lol? Anyway…) For me, it is like an obsession, a compulsion, to write. I feel like I need to get the words out, and they pour out effortlessly but not necessarily as amazing prose. (more like, never as amazing prose? Except for those rare gems, that I just stumble upon.)

When the bug grips me, I feel like anything is possible, that I can actually complete novels and stories, and write whatever. And, until the critic comes out later, and boy, does he/she ever…all will seem wonderful. When the inner critic informs me that it is all utter nonsense, and not great prose, that’s when I start to get over the writing equivalent of a cold. The critic starts to become more and more vocal until their view becomes my view. And, then, I’m back to the beginning.

Sometimes, to get out of a rut I recall a quote from Alice in Wonderland. It is a really simple quote. I believe the mad hatter says it. “Start at the beginning, and when you get to the end….STOP!” That’s how writing gets done. But you have to start, and the failed start is a problem I have been running into lately. I get bored with my own story, and I feel like, if I am bored, then surely the readers will be to? (I know, I am suggesting I have readers, lol, well, theoretically, okay.)

Anyway, this rant is all about how I kept wanting to get up in the middle of the night and post blogs. I am excited to write again, I have the bug! And, I have never been so happy to catch something. ūüôā