Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Taking Risks: Lessons Learned from a Failing Job

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
View all responses

The last time I took a risk? Technically I take risks everyday I get into my vehicle. Every time I go into an establishment. Is it a life or death risk? Most of the time no. Sometimes the risk is more to my pocketbook, or my peace of mind.

As far as major risks, one of the more recent ones would have been quitting my job at the bank to try my hand at being a domestic violence advocate. I didn’t work out as intended. I found out I wasn’t a very good advocate and sometimes things work out how they are meant to.

Things were stagnant at the bank, and I knew there were things I didn’t like about it. Mostly it was the insane pressure we were under to upsell to our customers. This wasn’t conducive to real customer service, which I prided myself on. As an institution, we patted ourselves on the bank for not needing a bailout during the housing crisis, only to be hit by a crisis of our own design. The fake account scandal. I am not naming the institution but I am sure you could figure it out if you wanted to.

I got out pre-scandal but was not surprised when it hit. I cashed in my 401k before it took the hit and used it as a down payment on my car. The risk was walking away from a job I know I could do for a job I had no experience in. I had practical experience as someone that experienced domestic violence first hand, but not as an advocate. I didn’t have the bureaucracy experience, the know how of navigating social nets and DSHS, and other institutions.

I was trained to be agreeable and not push the envelope from my childhood as a middle child and a shy girl that had trouble making friends. I wasn’t combative enough, or aggressive enough to really do much for my clients. The organization, which I won’t name, was by far the most toxic workplace I had ever been in. It made me miss the camaraderie of the bank. Sadly, the bank was the last job where I felt like I had a group of people I could enjoy spending time with outside of work. I haven’t found that since.

I ended up getting fired as an advocate. I actually saw a therapist a few times before that, and she said I needed to quit my job, that it was not mentally good for me. Triggering my past experiences and also experiencing workplace bullying from the boss on a daily basis was taking a toll. The irony of being bullied at a domestic violence advocacy center is not lost on me. Being fired was the best outcome as I couldn’t effectively help myself let alone anyone else.

My only regret was not quitting sooner. The bully forced a hug on me and said some b.s. about me being all right and being okay. I was a single mother of a young child who got no child support at the time. It was extremely scary being unemployed. Her hug was a forced thing, I recoiled and stiffened, and I did not consent to it. It was awkward and awful, and was the final insult. I am sure it was a control thing, a final hah, I determine your fate and you suck.

She eroded any confidence I had daily with disparaging remarks and public humiliations by singling me out at meetings and disparaging my work in front of my co workers. She didn’t allow me to learn anything, because she told me repeatedly that she didn’t trust my judgment which made me doubt myself, and not believe in my own judgment.

I still catch myself doubting how I think and my rationale because she would tell me daily how I didn’t think like a normal person and that my decision making was faulty. I think she wanted to get rid of me to pay for new windows.

I took a risk, it didn’t pan out, but now I know what I don’t want to do. I was also heavily encouraged to donate a part of my paycheck back to the organization, which was basically volunteering for a smaller paycheck. I wasn’t wealthy, or well to do. What a garbage organization!

I got discouraged by the sheer amount of grift it enabled as well. So many hotel stays for people who chose to use it for drugs and to invite their abusers to stay with them. I can’t think of anyone we actually helped except maybe some of the kids during the holidays.

I ended up getting a better paying job by hitting the pavement daily. I applied everywhere and went to the unemployment office every single day to work on my resume. It was hard work finding work. Luckily, I had a lot of people from the bank where I worked and at previous jobs I was on good terms with that helped. Needless to say, I didn’t use the advocacy place for anything, but had to explain my firing which was another obstacle to work around.

Ultimately, I got the job where I still am. It will be ten years in June. It isn’t fun and it has its issues. But the pay is decent and it allows me to live and doesn’t feel precarious or uncertain. I guess it feels stable and safe, which is enough for me right now. It is a union job which makes me feel like I have some protection from management if I need it.

So I guess I ended up in a better place after all, just not how I pictured it. Sometimes the path you end up taking is more of a winding one than a straight line. Either way it is your way, how you get there you don’t always know or plan for. I am still learning to believe in myself and in the possibilities. In a way I feel like I am just getting started, it just took me a long time to get here.

Posted in Life

How Do You Unwind After a Demanding Day?

Posted on by jennrae

I unwind mostly by listening to music or watching a movie. Sometimes taking a nap depending on the time of day. Sometimes just clearing my mind and resting my eyes is enough to give me a reset. Occasionally I’ll take a nice hot bath but that is rare.

Sometimes I’ll soak my feet in epsom salt or light some candles. Sometimes I will write if the mood strikes me.

Usually if a day is particularily harsh I will want to veg a bit and not do a whole lot of in depth thinking. If I need to change my mood sometimes going for a walk is enough to change my mental situation.

A lot depends on what happened. If it is a physically demanding day I am more likely to relax. If it is a mentally taxing day then I will want a distraction but not a lot of pressure to come up with thoughts and ideas.

I will go to the gym too and listen to music while I use the machines that can change a mood too. Sometimes just going outside is enough. Just going to the park and watching the birds and the kids play. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head and exist and be alive. Life can pass you by awfully fast if you let it.

Daily writing prompt
How do you unwind after a demanding day?
View all responses
Posted in Uncategorized

5 Everyday Things That Make Me Happy

Posted on by jennrae

I don’t remember if I have answered this before, in all honesty. I have answered similar questions. I suppose I would have to say what happy is for me. I think items can give a temporary sort of happiness. Happiness is a moment in time where I am not stressed or worried, where life seems good. Where I feel like anything is possible, and that things are looking up.

There is this particular dress I was looking for from years ago. I found it. I am waiting for the weather to warm up a bit to wear it. I plan on wearing it sometime during the vacation I am taking in early July. I saw it in Nordstrom’s. It was 2007 I believe. In the Tacoma Mall Nordstrom’s. It was over three hundred dollars, but it got my attention. And I would go to look at it almost everyday. But I couldn’t afford it. Eventually, the girl working there got me to try it on. And, surprisingly, because I am kind of short, it fit, and it wasn’t too long. It looked good. But it was still a lot of money to a poor college student who worked part time at Blockbuster Video.

She mentioned a payment plan, or if I wanted to hold it temporarily. I didn’t. I told boyfriend at the time, who I realized later was not a good person. He was the opposite of supportive. He told me it was disgusting to want an item that cost so much, think of all the food you could buy. He made me feel like an awful person for loving and wanting this dress. I knew deep down I wasn’t going to buy it. I knew it was impractical and foolish if I were to buy it. But I didn’t expect the contempt and ridicule for mentioning it.

Fast forward to 2026, I go into a boutique thrift store that often has nice clothes. I always check the dresses whenever I go used clothes shopping, just in case I see this dress again. It is like true love, I know its out there, it is just a matter of being at the right place and the right time. It was there tucked between two longer dresses, I could just see a bit of it. And I thought, that kind of looks like, but naw, it couldn’t be. And, what if my memory was playing tricks on me?

I pushed the dresses apart to get a better look at it. And, I was flooded with emotion. This was it, this was the one. There were other color variations, but this was the first one I saw when I entered the store that long ago day. It had the tag still on it. I bought it for fifteen dollars, which is more than I typically pay for a used garment, but a far cry from the asking price it used to carry.

I’ll be honest, this made my day. It created very real happiness and faith in the future. I believed again. Just seeing it again would have been immense, but being able to take it home all these years later, and know it was the one. It is like owning a piece of a long ago dream that I had forgotten. That item brought me peace, hope, and happiness. I still can’t believe I found it.

Another item that brings me happiness is my car. It isn’t fancy, it isn’t special in any way except that it is mine and I bought it new ten years ago. I like the metallic maroon color, I know it and how it handles on a subconscious level. It has brought me to events and taken me home from work. It has created happiness by giving me freedom and autonomy. It enables me to experience happy moments by just being available to me.

I love my insane movie collection. I have over 1000 DVD’s and Blu-Rays. I am trying to catalogue them so I don’t rebuy any. It has been a challenge but I have a system and there is something about sorting and collecting that appeals to my nature. I enjoy finding a rare gem, or a collector’s edition. I like finding movies I haven’t heard of that seem zany or crazy. I enjoy the physical media and the artwork. I put them in binders, alphabetical. I do have a separate binder for Disney and non Disney kid’s movies. I have been tempted to organize them differently, but, instead I may add a column to my spreadsheet on the genre, the director and maybe the lead actor. So, if I am in a Bruce Willis mood, I can just search that, or if I want to watch a Steven Soderbergh movie, I can search that, and so on.

Coffee is another everyday item that I can say brings me happiness. It puts me at ease and uplifts my mood. Brewed in a carafe or a Keurig cup, both are great. Although for me nothing beats the smell of freshly ground coffee beans. When I want to do a lot of writing I will grind the beans and brew a whole carafe. Just the smell puts a smile on my face. It is a mood changer.

Other things that can make me happy albeit temporarily, having the time to sleep in and have a lazy day. I haven’t had one day to just chill in months. I have been working six day weeks and I do sometimes crash pretty hard on that sixth day. But I still have to do laundry and make some meals. I also feel guilty if I sleep in too much. I feel like I am wasting my one opportunity to write. Writing makes me happy but it can be hard to concentrate and get a lot done at home. I have KitKat who is very demanding and she hates when I am on the computer.

If I can get away and go to a coffee shop I get more done. Sometimes my free hours don’t line up with the coffee shops who like to close at 5pm. And sometimes my day job exhausts me to the point where I can’t think straight. I have an energy issue, I get drained quickly. I also shock myself electrically throughout the house all the time. I have a sensitivity to vitamin B12, so, I break out in hives if I attempt to boost it and I react to cheap jewelry as well. I also drain phone and watch batteries if they are next to my person. So, there isn’t really a quick boost outside of coffee that works for me.

Dreaming does make me happy. Sometimes I look forward to a good nights sleep where I can go far away and have adventures. Sometimes these dreams make good short stories. Sometimes I only remember bits and pieces. Dreaming does make me happy. Waking up is a chore though.

Posted in Life, Writing

Do You Believe in Fate/Destiny?

Posted on by jennrae

Do you believe in fate/destiny?

I’m not sure is the honest answer. Sometimes I do. I believe things can happen for a reason. Other times I prefer to be the arbiter of my own life. Fate or destiny can be a bit of a cop out. I think you need to make things happen, not wait for the universe to hand things to you on a platter.

I do think we perceive time as linear when I think it may not be. So, what might seem like fate could be a memory of a future time seeping in making the decision feel familiar or right. I have had deja vu moments that feel like memories but they just happened.

It is odd. I go back and forth on this. Perhaps certain things are fated to happen but we can alter the minutiae.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

Life Lessons from Hardships: Navigating Trust and Reality

Posted on by jennrae

The experiences that changed me for the better are probably also the ones that were the hardest to survive at the time. I find I learn by screwing up and the lessons that stick with me the longest are the ones that take the longest to recover from.

It is hard for me to get into specifics on the internet. One of the lessons I have learned is to be more discerning with who I trust with what information.

I first learned that in school, probably middle school. I had to re learn it when I started working a job. Sometimes I would say something that would give the wrong impression or get back altered. It is something I have had to learn over and over. Gossip is something I avoid. I do not care for drama, and the older I get the more I realize that impressions and memories change with time.

Everyone has their own unique experiences even with the same events. There isn’t a “you’re right, I’m wrong,” in reality. Reality is like quicksand. What seems the most real sometimes isn’t. Sometimes what appears fantastical actually can impart real world wisdom.

This is why I love science-fiction so much. It is like a giant sandbox of ideas. In cinema, lately anyway, horror has kind of overtaken this important job; Sinners, Weapons, come to mind, but there are others. I would argue Frankenstein as well, but at its heart it is science-fiction. You can sometimes better explore reality by bending the rules and taking people out of the familiar. They may see things differently if it is removed from their daily life.

I re-watched V for Vendetta recently, and I got to say, it seems more relevant in 2026 then in 2006. It is 20 years old, but it feels built for today. A good story will do that, it will be timeless. It is what I would like to write, but I have been wrestling with the blank page for a while. I spent probably a good couple hours yesterday playing around with scrivener and not writing a thing. It is like I couldn’t focus.

I have been working a ton, all the days seem to bleed together. But even I have to admit that is an excuse at this point. I had to go to a local coffee shop, get out of my reality for a bit, to do this much writing.

I have learned how to procrastinate and how to waste time growing up in this modern world. I haven’t figured out how to unlearn this. I wish it were easy. But that is another lesson. Nothing worth doing is. And I know this but the brick wall seems awfully real. If you believe something is real hard enough, long enough, does it become real? If the end results are the same, what is the difference? Symantics?

I will admit I have been in a funk mentally wise. Sometimes it is hard to get motivated. I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel, wasting energy going in circles. Sometimes I wonder how I can get off this ride, is there anything out there or just a bigger cage with more distractions?

I have learned to keep a lot of things to myself. I have learned that emotions can make you weak, and to never let down your guard. I am trying to unlearn some of this, but sometimes I fee like an alien among people. I don’t know where to start or how to relate.

Small talk is hard and painful for me. Nothing seems to matter or have a real purpose. I need a direction. I need to find my flow. I used to have trouble not writing. It took all my free time. It was an obsession. I was a machine. Now, I am like a car with no gas. I just can’t seem to get going. I need a muse, I need inspiration.

I guess the biggest lesson I have learned and I have had to re learn this one many times, is this: No matter what you do, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll be okay. You’ll get through this. Life ebbs and flows like a wave in the ocean. If it was constant we wouldn’t notice changes we go through. Life is chaos.

The important part is to never give up. No matter how dark or empty, or scary things get. No matter how lost you feel, or how alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing in and out.

Everything eventually comes back around. Nothing is permanent. Just keep going. Nothing is ever lost forever. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes forms. The people you love, the places you cherish, you will meet them again. Just hang in there.

Posted in Life

Have You Ever Unintentionally Broken the Law?

Posted on by jennrae

I think a couple of times. I may have turned right on red in Oregon. It is allowed in Washington state, but not sure if it is allowed there. I think I may have accidentally not paid for something once. Not sure. Probably around the time the self checkout stations at the grocery stores started getting popular. I don’t think it was anything big. I think I might have also paid for something and forgot to take it with me, so I guess I broke even there.

I am pretty law abiding, generally, if I am supposed to do something, that is what I do. Jaywalking makes me feel guilty. I do not intentionally do anything. I suppose I have speeded a few times but I try not to go more than five miles over the speed limit. I am not someone who breaks the law.

I have heard people try to make excuses about stealing from corporations not hurting people. I know that isn’t the case. The corporations never eat a cost, if something costs them, they always pass it onto the consumer. So, you and I end up paying for it one way or another.

They just put the retail theft cost and add it to the cost of the item. They will never just suck up a loss. They will never just pay an extra amount of tax. You guessed it, it will just be added to the cost.

That’s is why adding a rich tax or attempting a living wage here doesn’t work. It just makes it more expensive to live here. Washington is up there with California and Hawaii, and it used to not be.

Just in my lifetime the minimum wage has skyrocketed, and everything else increases at the same rate. So, I am not making any more money, really. I am just experiencing insane inflation.

Kind of frustrating. But no, the law is the law. If there is a law I don’t like, I would say so, but I would never intentionally break it. It just isn’t who I am.

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever unintentionally broken the law?
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Posted in Uncategorized

How Have My Political Views Changed Over Time?

Posted on by jennrae

I grew up in a household that leaned Republican. They wouldn’t just vote Republican, but basically that was the default setting. If in doubt, vote that way. In my twenties I got into Ayn Rand and identified as Libertarian.

I believed with all my fervor that you could make your own way by willpower and talent. I knew I was smart, and while not a supermodel, I was decent looking, maybe even considered cute.

I found the longer I held these views and read these novels the more arrogant I became. Where if someone had little to no ambition I would treat them as less than. It contributed to my divorce as my husband at the time’s dream was to be a barista. Not a very high bar and he was content at that.

Although that was not the only problems we had. I think I liked the story of reconnecting with a love I had in high school more than the reality of married life. Plus, he was always looking for other partners and couldn’t be content with one woman anyhow.

His jealousy of my cat, Ralph Fiennes, a mere celebrity crush, and my fictional characters in my novel who are not real, were also serious problems.

I had as much to blame though. Perhaps more so. Because I wanted to be the chill cool understanding wife, I agreed and went along with things that I really wasn’t comfortable with. I was immature and fickle. I was still young enough that flattery and interest in my looks was enough to get me wondering if this was what I wanted.

I have plenty of regrets on how I handled things. Even more regrets on how I handled later things. I was physically mature, but mentally all over the place. But the arrogance from my libertarian training made me kind of judgmental and insufferable to be around.

I used to laugh at people I termed pseudointellectuals, yet my pathway was not so different from theirs’s. I assumed I knew the true way, I assumed I knew everything, and I assumed everyone else just didn’t get it. I was a hipster of sorts, of something that wasn’t hip at all.

I became disillusioned with all that in my thirties, after making mistakes that proved I was far from perfect, and being a single mom that had to use food stamps to survive. I had to swallow my pride and admit safety nets weren’t just for the weak, but also for those who were struggling. Yes, sometimes it was because of poor choices, but making choices is part of what makes us human. We try and we fail, and we get back up.

We are not just talented and untalented, but human with human failings and human screw ups. Having something there to help our fellow man is not weak. There is nothing out there that states our society must be a Darwinian dog eat dog world where if you fall you deserve to perish. Even in my most Libertarian mode I think I would have been disturbed by people starving in the streets.

Christianity would say it is our duty to help out our fellow man. That is part of our job on this earth to help each other survive. It is a strength not a weakness.

My family is even more Republican now, pretty much programmed to see everyone else as the enemy. This is sad for me to see because critical thinking still has me question everything I hear and see. And we are all just people going about our lives.

There aren’t heroes and villains but just people. Democrats aren’t the enemy or the deep state or anything like that. They are people that listen to different news stations and read different articles. I believe the algorithm is the real enemy. Creating a huge divide instead of bringing people together.

I consider myself independent. Neither Republican or Democrat. Not Libertarian either. I am just me, and I think and I research things as they come to me. I try not to judge others. I try to see things from their perspective. I take things as they come, and I wish and pray for a better day where we can just all be human again.

Daily writing prompt
How have your political views changed over time?
View all responses

Posted in Life

What’s the First Impression You Want to Give People?

Posted on by jennrae

The first impression I wish I could give people would be one of being inviting and open. In reality I can come across standoffish and reserved and a bit icy. I don’t know how to change how I come across.

I must give out a leave me the hell alone vibe. And, for a long time that is what I wanted. I have moments where I still do. I have a very limited social battery and it runs out fast.

I like to be cheerful and accommodating, but I have to be honest with myself. I do not often have the bandwidth for that, and I hate small talk. I often wish people would just say what they really mean and get to the point.

I am socially awkward at best, outright socially hostile at other times. It is a bizarre miracle that I ended up in customer service. I obviously go out of my way to be charming and sweet when I am at work, but I find I am exhausted when I come home.

Socializing online doesn’t tire me out, but it also isn’t as real. I have had trouble thinking online people were dear friends only to be reminded that they are casual acquaintances in actuality.

It was easier to have a real friend group when I was young and in a school setting. Now, it is just a bunch of friendly but distant faces, knowing and not knowing me at the same time.

I don’t have much closeness. I will be the first to admit a lot of this is my fault. Intimacy scares me, getting hurt scares me. I distance myself to keep myself safe, but I also feel alone most of the time, even in a room full of people.

I used to think of myself as a wandering alien, visiting this planet, trying to understand humankind, and mostly failing. I still feel that way sometimes. I have mistaken friendliness with more and mistaken cruelty for love.

Sometimes up is down, and down is up. Maybe that is why I get frustrated with the dance of words. People asking how I am, and not really wanting to know the answer. Telling me about the weather, when I know all ready.

People wishing me a good day, when they are just saying it out of ingrained habit and don’t really care how my day is or will be going.

I have isolated because in the past I trusted the wrong people. So now I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t trust myself to make a good call on who to let in, or not let in. So, my default is to let no one in.

Or the few in my inner sanctum, but even they don’t know the half of me, I carefully choose my words and thoughts and only give them the curated version. The sanitized version. I don’t know how to stop being so distant.

Sometimes I feel so lost I don’t know who I am, or where I begin or end. I know this much, I do peacemaker middle child role quite well, I also do caretaker doting parent.

I do pained artist quite well, but I do not know how to be happy or successful. I am my own worst enemy. And, I know that. Maybe writing this out is the first step in a new direction where I give myself permission to start over. Here is to hoping, and I honestly hope everyone that passes this way is having the best of days. I really do.

Love, JenRae

Daily writing prompt
What’s the first impression you want to give people?
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Posted in Uncategorized

About the Time I tried to See Frankenstein in the Theater…

Posted on by jennrae

It was late October or early November. My memory likes to play tricks with things like times and dates, so I have to write everything down. It can be annoying or frustrating to say the least.

Either way, I wanted to see Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein in the theater. I had seen Nosferatu, and I hope to see The Bride and Dracula in the theater when they come out.

Since Netflix was producing Frankenstein, it had a very limited theater run, and only two theaters in western Washington were playing it, and I didn’t buy tickets ahead of time. One theater was sold out, so that made the choice for us.

Time for a short road trip to a place called Monroe, Washington which I hadn’t heard of. Apparently, it is kind of close to Woodinville. The weather was hostile and windy, and rainy and rather foreboding. Honestly, it would have been the perfect weather to go see Frankenstein, except for the fact it knocked the power out.

There was debris and broken tree branches all along the road, and over the Hood Canal Bridge the wind was so strong I felt my little car sway and shake.

When we finally got to the theater, we decided we were a bit early, so we went across the street to a Walmart and decided to buy snacks. That was when the power went out.

Walmart had a generator so we managed to buy our snacks, but it didn’t bode well for the Galaxy Theater. Sure enough, it was out there as well. An attendant that vaguely resembled Andrew Garfield apologized to people. An inflatable spooky house lay pooled on the floor.

We didn’t pre pay, so we just left, and as soon as we made it to the Woodinville AMC where Good Fortune was playing, the power was back on in Monroe. So, we decided to drive the thirty minutes back hoping we could still see Frankenstein.

The attendant tells us the servers are still not up, and then the power goes out again. So, it was a tough call, but I had to give up. I knew it would be out on Netflix in early November, so this was my one and last opportunity.

I finally got to see it on my tv. I honestly can say it is visually stunning, and would have been magnificent on the big screen. Here is hoping it is up for some Oscars, sometimes they give the movies and additional theater run. I may yet get another chance. I enjoyed it immensely, it is still worth seeing of course. But some movies look really good on the big screen. And this would have.

We ended up because of the drive back to Monroe, missing Good Fortune at Woodinville, but catching it at the South Center Mall instead because the time lined up with the way home perfectly. And that movie was fun, and I am glad I saw it. I guess things have a funny way of working out how they are meant to.

Posted in Uncategorized

What skill would you like to learn?

Posted on by jennrae

There are a lot of skills I would have loved to have known in the past, from horseback riding, to fencing. Currently, I think the one I would most like would be painting or drawing more realistically. I draw and paint kind of when the mood strikes and let my imagination guide me to do whatever it wants.

If I try to draw or paint what I see it always ends up kind of a twisted flat version and not what I was picturing in my mind’s eye. I don’t really have the patience to do photo realistic work.

It takes a lot of time and small movements, and I have always been an outline and broad strokes type of artist. I guess if I wanted to do this badly enough, I could invest time and energy into it and probably get closer to realism.

So, on that note, I would have to say that maybe deep down, my desire for this skill isn’t that deep. Maybe a part of me likes the fact that I just wing it; that I let my mind decide what it wants to draw and that it is more stylistic than realistic.

Maybe a part of me is afraid to live and breathe reality. I have always been a bit of a dreamer and like to speculate and wander in my head to worlds unknown. Maybe realism isn’t really who I am, deep down.

I guess another skill I wish I could learn is managing stress and anxiety. I have learned how to do it somewhat. I certainly could be better at it. I have tools I use, but there are days where I could use a shoulder to cry on, or where I just reached my limit.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to not let people down, and sometimes, I cause that very thing to happen. I don’t like letting people down or making mistakes. But it is part of being human, and something that will happen. I wish it didn’t derail me so much. I wish I could just shrug it off and go about my day.

It bothers me when I let someone down, or make additional work for someone. It bothers me if I add stress or problems when I want to be helpful and take the burdens off people’s shoulders. Ultimately, it doesn’t do me or anyone else any good dwelling on the past or what went wrong. Only learning from it and trying not to make the same mistake is all that I can do.

I know I am far from perfect. I like to think I am quirky and charming in my own nerdy way, but I am not under the illusion that I am perfect, or even special or particularly talented in any one thing. I am and do strive to be a good person, to be kind, and caring, and to do the right thing. I try my best, and sometimes it isn’t good enough, and other times it is. I think it is important to not give up.

There are times where being stubborn isn’t the answer though. There are times when giving up is the right thing. I guess I would love to have the skill to communicate clearly with people and be charming enough that they would listen without the social anxiety or nervousness getting in the way.

I would like to do more than survive, but actually thrive in this world. I want to be seen and appreciated on some level, but I have a lot of fear that holds me back. I would most like to finish what I start. That follow through is really what holds me back sometimes.