Posted in Life

What’s the Kindest Thing Someone Has Ever Done for Me?

Posted on by jennrae

My life has been littered with small kind moments. So many that it is hard to focus on one. I think I remember a time when I was frazzled and dealing with a toddler, and I forgot my wallet at home and went to the grocery store. I wasn’t getting a lot of items but it was enough, and going all the way home, much like going out at the time, was an event. I think a total stranger paid for my items and told me not to worry about it.

I hate that I can’t remember much else besides this basic fact. Back then a lot of things were a blur. I was and am, a single mom. I had help from family. I wasn’t completely alone, still my mind sometimes just couldn’t function at one hundred percent.

I don’t remember what I bought, I can’t recall the details about the person. I barely remember the incident. It is like it happened in another lifetime. I can’t think of a more recent kind act, but I know there have been some. My mind tends to focus on the negative for whatever reason. So, I remember all the times someone was rude to me but have trouble recalling when they have been nice.

Someone did complement me on my earrings, and it threw me, because I wasn’t sure how to respond except with the kind of lame, thanks. Sometimes I am a bit of a social alien. I have had to learn how to interact with people the hard way. Sometimes I remember what I should say and sometimes it is so unexpected that I forget what I am supposed to say.

Socialness does not come naturally to me. I am naturally a little feline like, independent and require lots of alone time. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for me to make or keep friends as they rightfully require attention much like houseplants that I end up killing because I forget their needs.

I don’t mean to be selfish, it just takes me more thought process to interact. I need reminders and most people take no communication as a sign of disinterest. I just don’t want to bother people, and tend to get lost in the moment of whatever is in front of me. When I really need someone, usually there is no one there because of this. Or I don’t feel like it is appropriate of me to ask something of someone when I have been away for so long.

I’ve been more fortunate than I even realize. I guess there hasn’t been one single event or moment, but many tiny moments of kindness. I remember being brought to tears by someone being kind to me. I am having trouble remembering why. But I know I have felt immense gratitude in my life. When I needed a place to live, and I was going to the food bank, I met someone that became my landlord for a bit. I was scared and she was compassionate. That was definitely a kindness.

My family is kind to me and have helped me when I needed it, but I feel like at least in my family, that is sort of expected. Still, I am grateful that I have them. Had I been truly all alone I am not sure I would still be here. I feel for those without family. They are a rock I can count on even when I have been a stranger. They are the most understanding people. They know I’m a bit of a weirdo, but they love me anyway. I am so grateful for that.

Daily writing prompt
What’s the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?
View all responses

Posted in Uncategorized

If I Had to Get a Tattoo Right Now, What Would it be and Why?

Posted on by jennrae

I am one of the few Generation X people I know that currently does not have a tattoo. My generation embraced the tattoo and colored hair and ear piercings as ways to show non conformity. The irony is not lost on me that I do not conform because I do not have a tattoo. It wasn’t intentional.

My monetary commitments always seem to be elsewhere. And, maybe there is a bit of a commitment-phobe about me that permanently committing to artwork that can last forever is scary, and not something that one should do lightly.

I also never found a ton of tattoos personally attractive. If I met the right person I may be able to look beyond that, but I wouldn’t date someone because of their tattoos. I am not against people doing what they want, but personally I don’t find it attractive.

A long time ago I used to want a dragon tattoo. Something small, like a wyvern circling my ankle. If I had to get one, that would still be the one. It isn’t flashy, its simple, and dragons are one of those things that I adore. I also like white tigers and unicorns, but the wyvern is special.

It is a dragon, in my opinion. A specific type of dragon, a type of wyrm, dragon that doesn’t have legs. It is more of a winged snake with jaws. It does have two legs, but the wings replace the front legs which makes sense. That’s the way birds are built after all.

I used to draw them and the other styles of dragons. I think maybe I just love the word Wyvern. It is so Welsh, unapologetically Welsh. Like Arthurian lore if you go back far enough. It is also fun to say. Maybe I would have it biting its own tale like the serpent of the world.

I like the idea of a tattoo, but not the permanence or upkeep required. If I had to get one, that would be my choice. Something like a tattoo should speak to who you are and what you are interested in, much like a piece of clothing. It is like a nickname or something that reminds people of you.

Daily writing prompt
If you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be and why?
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Posted in Life, Writing

What’s a Moment When I Realized I was Officially an Adult?

Posted on by jennrae

That is tough for me. I took a while to grow up. I was naive and trusting and childlike well into my twenties. Strangely, the biggest moment that comes to mind for me was when I got divorced. It was a short lived marriage to someone I briefly dated while I was in high school. It was a long distance dalliance, the kind of thing that can be quite beautiful from a distance of space and time.

The wedding and honeymoon were a fairy tale. It didn’t become real until we left my hometown. And then little things started happening. We used to write each other notes for the other to find when we would get home from work. We used to talk about things. Sometimes important but most often unimportant things like about music, movies and annoying people we interacted with albeit briefly.

None of it was important or ground shaking, but the communication was there. I was still immature, trying to please my spouse by being sweet and trying to be what I thought he wanted. Ultimately, reality got in the way. The problems were there, had been there since high school when he refused to drop all the internet girlfriends he had. Why would I expect him to be a different person now?

Ultimately, he didn’t like my cat, didn’t like my writing, just didn’t seem to like me very much in the end. It was a a dream largely based on nostalgia and wishful thinking. I still made plenty of mistakes and had some growing up to do, but it was after the dream was broken, and couldn’t be fixed, that the rose colored glasses actually came off.

I don’t know if I was a real adult, but I was a lot closer. I still trusted too much, still was too self centered to be a good partner for anyone, but I had no illusions of fairy tales becoming reality. I knew it was a grind with good moments and bad, and indifferent minutiae in between. It doesn’t end it goes on and on, and the meaning of these things are what you learn and what you choose to take from them.

I am not sure I would describe myself as an adult right now. The word adult is so tired and old, sure I have moments where I do feel like this, but other moments I still dream of adventures and exploring different lands and writing and publishing and having the time of my life. I don’t think we ever stop growing and learning until we die. I certainly do not want to stop. I want to look back on my life and say yes, it was not only worth it, but glorious.

Daily writing prompt
What’s a moment when you realized you were officially an adult?
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Posted in Life

What is a Thing You Wish Schools Actually Taught? My perspective on Learning.

Posted on by jennrae

Schools give a ton of information that most students do not absorb. I know I learned a lot more history and science than my peers because my learning style was unique. I am an audial learner, I learn by hearing people talk. This is different from visual learners and different from the organizational note taking learners that excel at learning what they write down.

My learning style was particularly suited to lecture style teaching which was how high school and college courses are typically taught. I struggled with math and reading in elementary school, which is designed more for visual learners. Later school was easy mode for me. If I did poorly in a class it was because I didn’t do the required work.

My memory isn’t as good as it used to be. The only studying I needed to do was read aloud in my mind and I am a very quick reader. I always end up waiting when I am reading something with someone else. Always. Now, I will say things out loud sometimes to help me remember. I am not talking to myself in the sense it isn’t a conversation, I do not expect or want an answer. I am merely hearing my voice say something I want to remember to do. Sometimes writing things down helps, reinforce my memory as well.

I guess the only thing I feel that schools should be teaching now is some basic life skills. I have noticed that the younger people that go into my work do not know how to write a check, or address a letter. Seems like financial learning would be good too. How to balance a checkbook and keep a budget. I think these were skills that people were taught by their parents or their bosses at one time. But, now no one is teaching them theses skills at all with some exceptions. Employers certainly don’t consider it their duty. They will help set up direct deposit but that’s about it. Parents sometimes teach these skills, but a lot don’t.

One could argue that letters and checks are going away. But occasionally you do need to fill out a money order. Even if you use a debit card, you still need to keep a tab on your spending and where your money is going. You still have bills to pay, even if they are automatic. You still need to plan and make sure the funds are there when needed. There are certain instances where a company will demand written correspondence. I had to do this to cancel a gym membership, I had to write to their headquarters despite trying to cancel via phone. Email wasn’t good enough either. I had to physically send them a letter.

Knowledge is important. The thing is, even if schools had a financial life skills class, I am not sure most of the students would actually take in the knowledge. Most people go through mandatory school like serving time in jail. They just survive it. Making kids want to learn and retain this knowledge would be the next step after offering it. How to make school something most want to do? They need to figure that one out and then more people will get more out of the experience.

Daily writing prompt
What’s a thing you wish schools actually taught?
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Posted in Life

What’s a Common Misconception People have about Happiness?

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?
View all responses

I can’t speak realistically for all people, but a misconception that I have had in the past has been that if you are unhappy something must be wrong. The reason this is a misconception is that being happy isn’t a continuous feeling. It is a feeling that comes and goes. The only way to be happy all the time is to be on drugs which I wouldn’t recommend. In order to distinguish happiness from unhappiness there has to be a cessation, or a break from it. Otherwise it wouldn’t be happiness it would be just a normal, okay kind of feeling.

Happiness is the high points of our days which make all the other parts worthwhile. In order to truly enjoy and bask in happiness we have to know what it is to be unhappy. It is perfectly normal to not be happy all the time, to even be unhappy often. If you are unhappy most of the time, there may be something wrong. I think the highs and the lows should be moments in the day, most of the day should be safely ensconced in blahness or everyday medium emotions.

I think the reason people are drawn to music, movies and books is because we are wired to anticipate and prepare for drama in some form. If we didn’t have these highs and lows our lives would be lengthy routines in a purgatory like existence. No sadness, but no joy. We need variety.

They say variety is the spice of life. It really is. Varied experiences help break up monotony and routine. They save us from ourselves. But we must have a real break from happiness and unhappiness to learn and appreciate the ordinary life. We can’t function in constant turmoil. We need the calmness before and after the storm.

Happiness is a good goal to aim for, as long as you are aware that you can’t stay at the pinnacle of that mountain forever. You have to come down and appreciate all the other emotions.

The misconception that you can stay happy once you are happy is a big one. There are moments like when I got married that I thought that was it, happiness starts here and everything is just happily ever after. That just isn’t what happens. People change and grow and shift and have flaws that sometimes you can’t see right away. Sometimes these things seem like no big deal until they are.

I love that feeling of being blissfully happy. I treasure it when it happens knowing that it will dissipate like the fog. But I treasure it like a warm hug, like a reunion between long lost friends. I know it will come again and I will be ready for it when it happens knowing that it is a temporary state. It’s enough to experience it. It is worth all the other stuff that happens in between.

These gem like moments are really what we live for, what I live for. Life is a series of experiences, good bad and indifferent. I choose to focus on the good ones because it is just as easy as focusing on the bad ones. I think it is important to be present for your own life. To really experience the days and the moments. I am trying not to sleepwalk so much of my life. It is really the best movie there is, your own existence.

Posted in Life, Writing

Why Being Prepared is the Best Advice You Can Get

Posted on by jennrae

The most profound advice? Most of the advice I have been given in the past wasn’t all that deep or profound. Advice like you can marry a rich one as easy as a poor one, to Oh, you’re depressed? You should work out more. Let’s see what other gems have I encountered?

You can just choose to be happy, it was as simple as that. If you work really hard, you can accomplish anything. When I think of the word profound, I think of something beyond the obvious, beyond the casual you’ll make it if you really want to. Who desires to be a homeless person or an unemployed person? If we could all just wish our perfect lives into being, then we’d all be living those lives. So, obviously there is more than wishing and hard work involved.

I’m still stuck on profound. Profound suggests deep impactful meaning, something extraordinary. If I was given profound advice, I am afraid I have forgotten it. I wonder what it would have been?

Along time ago in a galaxy far away, I was lucky enough to have gotten an interview with George RR Martin. You know, the author of a Song of Ice and Fire, better known these days as a Game of Thrones. Anyway, I was and wish I still could be a fan of his. We share a birthday and some of my favorite authors are also his.

However, I was doing said interview via phone for an ezine I was a part of. I was married at the time to a man who was addicted to long distance calls and so we had our long distance removed from the phone plan. This was back in the day of land lines, no cell phones available.

Well, I neglected to remedy this, and I couldn’t connect to New Mexico and I couldn’t figure out why. By the time I did, it was too late. He was mad to be stood up and sent me an email about how I wasted his time. Time he could have been writing and that I was contributing to his delay in finishing his book. The Book would have been A Feast for Crows, I believe. I get why he was mad, and he wouldn’t reschedule.

I guess the lesson here was to be prepared. Ironically, the most profound advice I’d ever heard was the boy scout motto. Be prepared. I guess it still is. I have learned to try to anticipate things, and double check things since then. It is still the best advice I have actually used. I would recommend it to others as well. It is simple, yet is useful for many different situations.

I can’t help but recall the journalist professor who I confided in that I was struggling mentally; her advice was that I should just work out more. That was her cure for depression. She didn’t ask for more information. I was in a controlling abusive relationship at the time that was incompatible with focusing on school or anything outside of him, and I could have used a kind listening ear. Instead I felt shut out and treated like a fool. She also said I was basically too late anyway. I should have all ready be publishing articles. I was 28, ancient and past my prime. But not too old to take my money for courses. I felt like I was wasting her and my time. So, no more confiding there. I just tried until it became impossible. I never did complete my Bachelor’s degree. Close but no cigar.

I suppose bad advice can also effect decision making sometimes for the better. We all learn somewhat by what we experience. The good and the bad all help make us into what we are. It is like the polishing of a stone. Time and water will do it over a long long time, but we can also get to the same place by being placed in a rock tumbler. Either way we end up polished in the end.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

Questioning Reality: A Writer’s Perspective

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
What’s a moment that made you question reality?
View all responses

I suppose since what the eye sees is its only way to organize reality and not actually what is actually there, I would have to question it knowing I am human and my eye is flawed. I used to be a very literal person. Seeing is believing.

When I was a child I had an outsized imagination and thought I could create my reality at will by stating it. Eventually, when I entered school and was around other kids more, I was forced to realize that this wasn’t the case. It actually made it harder for me to learn to read. I wanted to make up what words said and that there was a meaning set in stone outside of me was difficult for me to understand. I went from being the center of the universe in my mind, to being completely irrelevant. I swung hard the other way and was convinced I was useless and was actually bringing the people I cared about down. It took me a while to find a middle ground.

I cannot control reality, but I am not completely irrelevant. I can shape my own reality with my will power to an extant. There are other people who also have wills and wants and I don’t think you can or should control others. I suppose I have always questioned reality. I always believed even if I pushed it way back in the recesses of my mind, that there was more to the world then I could see or experience. I want to believe in this hidden magical world. I believe in the soul. I refuse to believe we are just walking meat puppets programmed to go through the motions.

I believe we can and are meant for more than this. I have always been drawn to reincarnation and karma. I am not certain about this because of population growth, unless new souls can be created on the fly. My unpublished Zennis stories had a form of reincarnation where the soul is poured into a giant cauldron and broken into pieces, and each of these pieces would be mixed together with other pieces of other souls, so new souls would be crafted from the old souls.

Unless you had magic which was a physical thing that can be put inside of your soul. It was a memory card of sorts, it would save your life, memories, traits, and keep your soul intact so you can try again to live a better life. Much of the first planned novel of this story deals with the many lives of the Zennis Wizard, including one where his memory didn’t transfer. I thought of all this at 5 or 6 years old mind you. There was also a way to travel between worlds by using a massive hallway where each world had a door. I have since seen this concept in movies and tv. But, I thought of it first, as far as my story goes.

I would start off at night having trouble sleeping. So, to fall asleep I would conjure a story. It grew as I would continue it every night. After a while I had a sizeable cast of characters, so I would have to go over their names, looks and who they were associated with before starting where I left off.

I would also have to do a mental recap, to make sure I picked up at the right place. Now, keep in mind, I didn’t write this down, it was all in my head. I used to have a photographic memory, and could do this easily. Now, not so much. I am afraid some details will be lost forever. Although, because I can draw I did make a character book with all the details eventually. I think I may still have it, or part of it.

Maybe I should try my hand at writing this story again. I periodically attempt it.

Back to the question though, yes, as a writer who loves to write sci-fi, fantasy and some horror, yes I question reality every single day. I have had other experiences seeing ghosts that make me believe there is more than we know out there. I also believe we can communicate with telepathy through the mind. I have had feeling and sensations and sometimes even thoughts which I seemed to eavesdrop from somewhere. Who knows where our muses come from anyway? Could they be from the past, the present, another dimension?

I know when I write enough I enter an almost trance-like state where the words flow and I let them do their thing. I let it take over and meander where it will. It is largely how I wrote 250,000 words in three months. It is also why it is such a mess. But still, there is something there. Something beyond myself, something unknowable. I believe almost anything is possible. It gives me hope and courage. There are things that can not be seen. Only experienced.

Posted in Life

What’s a Simple Pleasure in Life that Brings You Joy?

Posted on by jennrae

Little moments like watching TV while I pet my cat, or reading a science article on my phone while sipping a fresh cup of coffee can bring me joy.

Waking up in the morning on my day off not having to be anywhere right away and getting to get ready for the day as slowly as I want to. Listening to music while writing or working out at the gym is also a simple pleasure that is joyful.

Sometimes something as simple as an unexpected compliment from a stranger makes my day because they have no inherent bias or reason to say anything nice.

It is a reminder that even the simplest interaction can have good or bad consequences for someone else. Something as simple as helping someone reach something or listening when someone just needs to be heard.

Sometimes being outside, seeing the blue sky and hearing the birds chirp is enough. Planting flowers and carefully tending to them can be enough.

Sometimes just being able to walk around and see the world is still here is enough.

Some days I need a little more feeling, a little more connection to feel joy. A fresh cup of coffee helps but isn’t always enough. Sometimes I need a hug or someone to take care of me even if it is just a sweet dream.

Sometimes it is enough simply to breathe in and breathe out, to put one foot in front of the other. Little moments throughout the day amount to something, sometimes it can be defeating or demoralizing.

Things can seem trivial and pointless and I can feel like my life isn’t very impactful.

But other days, things are beautiful and I am so glad I can experience all of this. And nothing is truly trivial. It all matters somehow, somewhere, to someone. Sometimes we never find out how or where. Sometimes that has to be enough. You have to live for those little moments that do lead to joy.

Posted in Life

What’s a Moment you Wish you Could freeze and Live in Forever?

Posted on by jennrae

The phrase Live Forever makes me think of Oasis and the song. A song I listened to as a young person when all young people acted as if they would live forever in this moment. I feel like moments being finite gives them more meaning and makes them more precious.

Even memories fade and change with time. They get fuzzy and you start to fill in the blanks you don’t remember with what you wished or wanted them to be, not what they actually were. If I had just one moment that I could freeze and live in forever there are a few candidates. The one moment I would want most hasn’t happened for me yet. But I am hopeful for the future. I can almost see it and taste it.

I see myself on a beach in a certain dress with a certain pair of shoes and I look up and lock eyes with the person I know with a certainty is meant for me. That would be the moment. That moment while things aren’t real yet, but aren’t just a fantasy. The moment between reality and a dream.

The moment I know its real but the real world hasn’t compromised it or ruined it yet. I don’t know when or if that moment will happen. But I look forward to it and it would be enough for me.

As far as a moment that has all ready happened in my past, I would probably choose when I got to hold my son for the first time. I was scared and didn’t know what I was doing or what I would do.

I was overwhelmed with responsibility and fear that I would somehow screw this little person up. But after or before all the panicked thoughts, when I was too tired to comprehend the immensity of it all, still tired but strangely calm. The little snuffling noises and the tiny hands wanting to scratch his little face up.

The crying every time he was swaddled. I had the one baby that didn’t like his limbs pinned together. He wanted to scratch his face so badly. I had to keep these tiny mittens on his hands. I don’t know why he was into his face, maybe he didn’t like being swaddled because he couldn’t move his hands to his face.

I finally had to tell the nurse to stop doing it, because he would be upset unless it was loose enough to get his arms free. He would smack his lips like an old man. I would like that moment when he was just a warm lump on me. A peaceful moment when nothing else mattered or would matter as much again. That is a forever moment and one I will cherish until I die.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Gives You Direction in Life?

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
What gives you direction in life?
View all responses

Sometimes my direction in life, especially when I was younger, was largely dependent on other people. I grew up in a stable household. My parents were married and still are and I grew up mostly in one house. We moved to another house when I was seventeen years old and that is where they are today. I have memories of the old house and I used to dream of buying it someday and fixing it up. It hasn’t worked out that way, at least not yet. I do not know what the future holds but I can’t see it happening anytime soon.

I lived in the same area went to schools in the town I grew up in. Sometimes I did envy the military brats or the people that would move from place to place. I never felt like I really got to start over. As a young adult I did move away a couple times but never very far. Furthest was two and a half hours away.

I did and still would like to see the world beyond my tiny corner. I do still have time to do that. I saw my life being different than it has turned out. I thought I would have a companion by now. Someone to share in adventures with, but that hasn’t turned out like I imagined either. Sometimes I feel like I am still waiting for something dramatic to happen to me instead of actively doing something.

I like writing but I haven’t managed to do anything with it. I need to go on an adventure myself and get going on living. I don’t want to have regrets when I look back on things and I want memories to cherish. I have been in a funk working too much and just surviving.

I’m hoping my vacation in July will be a sort of reset for me because I do need some direction. I feel I have been aimlessly floating down a lazy river but I am ready for something different.

When I look out the window here I see tons of cars going east and west. Tourist season is here in my small town. Businesses trying to get strangers to buy clothing and handmade crafts. I feel like they enjoy my town more than I do because to me it isn’t a travel destination but the place that is always here and always will be.

They get to see it with fresh eyes and I am a bit envious. It will get crazier in July when I will be gone. The tourists will still be here when I get back. They start to taper off in August, which makes September my favorite month here.

It is like a hidden month of summer that most don’t know about. You get all the perks of July and August without all the traffic and events. Seeing these people with their little shopping bags looking so carefree and happy makes me yearn for when it is my turn. I need to get away from this place and my job and breathe. I am getting burned out from work, and I need some time to recharge and be creative.

So what gives me direction? Sometimes it is the circumstances around me, family, employment, and survival, other times I crave more. I want to build and make something. Most of all I want people to share it with who value me and my thoughts. I guess love is a driving force for me. It is why I moved away and to where in the past. It is also why I moved back home. Love is a huge guiding force for me. Hope for the future and nature to renew my spirit are must haves for me.

Ideally I would be near a body of water. I like the sound even if it is just a creek. Water moving replenishes me. I need trees and blue skies. I couldn’t survive in a city permanently. I can visit, but I couldn’t just exist in a concrete jungle. I need green, and blue. I need life.

I go in the direction of being near my loved ones. But I also want to experience other places that I can learn and think about. I think sometimes you need to leave home to truly appreciate it even if it is only for a few days.