Category: Life

Posted in Life, Writing

Why Being Prepared is the Best Advice You Can Get

Posted on by jennrae

The most profound advice? Most of the advice I have been given in the past wasn’t all that deep or profound. Advice like you can marry a rich one as easy as a poor one, to Oh, you’re depressed? You should work out more. Let’s see what other gems have I encountered?

You can just choose to be happy, it was as simple as that. If you work really hard, you can accomplish anything. When I think of the word profound, I think of something beyond the obvious, beyond the casual you’ll make it if you really want to. Who desires to be a homeless person or an unemployed person? If we could all just wish our perfect lives into being, then we’d all be living those lives. So, obviously there is more than wishing and hard work involved.

I’m still stuck on profound. Profound suggests deep impactful meaning, something extraordinary. If I was given profound advice, I am afraid I have forgotten it. I wonder what it would have been?

Along time ago in a galaxy far away, I was lucky enough to have gotten an interview with George RR Martin. You know, the author of a Song of Ice and Fire, better known these days as a Game of Thrones. Anyway, I was and wish I still could be a fan of his. We share a birthday and some of my favorite authors are also his.

However, I was doing said interview via phone for an ezine I was a part of. I was married at the time to a man who was addicted to long distance calls and so we had our long distance removed from the phone plan. This was back in the day of land lines, no cell phones available.

Well, I neglected to remedy this, and I couldn’t connect to New Mexico and I couldn’t figure out why. By the time I did, it was too late. He was mad to be stood up and sent me an email about how I wasted his time. Time he could have been writing and that I was contributing to his delay in finishing his book. The Book would have been A Feast for Crows, I believe. I get why he was mad, and he wouldn’t reschedule.

I guess the lesson here was to be prepared. Ironically, the most profound advice I’d ever heard was the boy scout motto. Be prepared. I guess it still is. I have learned to try to anticipate things, and double check things since then. It is still the best advice I have actually used. I would recommend it to others as well. It is simple, yet is useful for many different situations.

I can’t help but recall the journalist professor who I confided in that I was struggling mentally; her advice was that I should just work out more. That was her cure for depression. She didn’t ask for more information. I was in a controlling abusive relationship at the time that was incompatible with focusing on school or anything outside of him, and I could have used a kind listening ear. Instead I felt shut out and treated like a fool. She also said I was basically too late anyway. I should have all ready be publishing articles. I was 28, ancient and past my prime. But not too old to take my money for courses. I felt like I was wasting her and my time. So, no more confiding there. I just tried until it became impossible. I never did complete my Bachelor’s degree. Close but no cigar.

I suppose bad advice can also effect decision making sometimes for the better. We all learn somewhat by what we experience. The good and the bad all help make us into what we are. It is like the polishing of a stone. Time and water will do it over a long long time, but we can also get to the same place by being placed in a rock tumbler. Either way we end up polished in the end.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

Questioning Reality: A Writer’s Perspective

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
What’s a moment that made you question reality?
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I suppose since what the eye sees is its only way to organize reality and not actually what is actually there, I would have to question it knowing I am human and my eye is flawed. I used to be a very literal person. Seeing is believing.

When I was a child I had an outsized imagination and thought I could create my reality at will by stating it. Eventually, when I entered school and was around other kids more, I was forced to realize that this wasn’t the case. It actually made it harder for me to learn to read. I wanted to make up what words said and that there was a meaning set in stone outside of me was difficult for me to understand. I went from being the center of the universe in my mind, to being completely irrelevant. I swung hard the other way and was convinced I was useless and was actually bringing the people I cared about down. It took me a while to find a middle ground.

I cannot control reality, but I am not completely irrelevant. I can shape my own reality with my will power to an extant. There are other people who also have wills and wants and I don’t think you can or should control others. I suppose I have always questioned reality. I always believed even if I pushed it way back in the recesses of my mind, that there was more to the world then I could see or experience. I want to believe in this hidden magical world. I believe in the soul. I refuse to believe we are just walking meat puppets programmed to go through the motions.

I believe we can and are meant for more than this. I have always been drawn to reincarnation and karma. I am not certain about this because of population growth, unless new souls can be created on the fly. My unpublished Zennis stories had a form of reincarnation where the soul is poured into a giant cauldron and broken into pieces, and each of these pieces would be mixed together with other pieces of other souls, so new souls would be crafted from the old souls.

Unless you had magic which was a physical thing that can be put inside of your soul. It was a memory card of sorts, it would save your life, memories, traits, and keep your soul intact so you can try again to live a better life. Much of the first planned novel of this story deals with the many lives of the Zennis Wizard, including one where his memory didn’t transfer. I thought of all this at 5 or 6 years old mind you. There was also a way to travel between worlds by using a massive hallway where each world had a door. I have since seen this concept in movies and tv. But, I thought of it first, as far as my story goes.

I would start off at night having trouble sleeping. So, to fall asleep I would conjure a story. It grew as I would continue it every night. After a while I had a sizeable cast of characters, so I would have to go over their names, looks and who they were associated with before starting where I left off.

I would also have to do a mental recap, to make sure I picked up at the right place. Now, keep in mind, I didn’t write this down, it was all in my head. I used to have a photographic memory, and could do this easily. Now, not so much. I am afraid some details will be lost forever. Although, because I can draw I did make a character book with all the details eventually. I think I may still have it, or part of it.

Maybe I should try my hand at writing this story again. I periodically attempt it.

Back to the question though, yes, as a writer who loves to write sci-fi, fantasy and some horror, yes I question reality every single day. I have had other experiences seeing ghosts that make me believe there is more than we know out there. I also believe we can communicate with telepathy through the mind. I have had feeling and sensations and sometimes even thoughts which I seemed to eavesdrop from somewhere. Who knows where our muses come from anyway? Could they be from the past, the present, another dimension?

I know when I write enough I enter an almost trance-like state where the words flow and I let them do their thing. I let it take over and meander where it will. It is largely how I wrote 250,000 words in three months. It is also why it is such a mess. But still, there is something there. Something beyond myself, something unknowable. I believe almost anything is possible. It gives me hope and courage. There are things that can not be seen. Only experienced.

Posted in Life

What’s a Simple Pleasure in Life that Brings You Joy?

Posted on by jennrae

Little moments like watching TV while I pet my cat, or reading a science article on my phone while sipping a fresh cup of coffee can bring me joy.

Waking up in the morning on my day off not having to be anywhere right away and getting to get ready for the day as slowly as I want to. Listening to music while writing or working out at the gym is also a simple pleasure that is joyful.

Sometimes something as simple as an unexpected compliment from a stranger makes my day because they have no inherent bias or reason to say anything nice.

It is a reminder that even the simplest interaction can have good or bad consequences for someone else. Something as simple as helping someone reach something or listening when someone just needs to be heard.

Sometimes being outside, seeing the blue sky and hearing the birds chirp is enough. Planting flowers and carefully tending to them can be enough.

Sometimes just being able to walk around and see the world is still here is enough.

Some days I need a little more feeling, a little more connection to feel joy. A fresh cup of coffee helps but isn’t always enough. Sometimes I need a hug or someone to take care of me even if it is just a sweet dream.

Sometimes it is enough simply to breathe in and breathe out, to put one foot in front of the other. Little moments throughout the day amount to something, sometimes it can be defeating or demoralizing.

Things can seem trivial and pointless and I can feel like my life isn’t very impactful.

But other days, things are beautiful and I am so glad I can experience all of this. And nothing is truly trivial. It all matters somehow, somewhere, to someone. Sometimes we never find out how or where. Sometimes that has to be enough. You have to live for those little moments that do lead to joy.

Posted in Life

What’s a Moment you Wish you Could freeze and Live in Forever?

Posted on by jennrae

The phrase Live Forever makes me think of Oasis and the song. A song I listened to as a young person when all young people acted as if they would live forever in this moment. I feel like moments being finite gives them more meaning and makes them more precious.

Even memories fade and change with time. They get fuzzy and you start to fill in the blanks you don’t remember with what you wished or wanted them to be, not what they actually were. If I had just one moment that I could freeze and live in forever there are a few candidates. The one moment I would want most hasn’t happened for me yet. But I am hopeful for the future. I can almost see it and taste it.

I see myself on a beach in a certain dress with a certain pair of shoes and I look up and lock eyes with the person I know with a certainty is meant for me. That would be the moment. That moment while things aren’t real yet, but aren’t just a fantasy. The moment between reality and a dream.

The moment I know its real but the real world hasn’t compromised it or ruined it yet. I don’t know when or if that moment will happen. But I look forward to it and it would be enough for me.

As far as a moment that has all ready happened in my past, I would probably choose when I got to hold my son for the first time. I was scared and didn’t know what I was doing or what I would do.

I was overwhelmed with responsibility and fear that I would somehow screw this little person up. But after or before all the panicked thoughts, when I was too tired to comprehend the immensity of it all, still tired but strangely calm. The little snuffling noises and the tiny hands wanting to scratch his little face up.

The crying every time he was swaddled. I had the one baby that didn’t like his limbs pinned together. He wanted to scratch his face so badly. I had to keep these tiny mittens on his hands. I don’t know why he was into his face, maybe he didn’t like being swaddled because he couldn’t move his hands to his face.

I finally had to tell the nurse to stop doing it, because he would be upset unless it was loose enough to get his arms free. He would smack his lips like an old man. I would like that moment when he was just a warm lump on me. A peaceful moment when nothing else mattered or would matter as much again. That is a forever moment and one I will cherish until I die.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Gives You Direction in Life?

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
What gives you direction in life?
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Sometimes my direction in life, especially when I was younger, was largely dependent on other people. I grew up in a stable household. My parents were married and still are and I grew up mostly in one house. We moved to another house when I was seventeen years old and that is where they are today. I have memories of the old house and I used to dream of buying it someday and fixing it up. It hasn’t worked out that way, at least not yet. I do not know what the future holds but I can’t see it happening anytime soon.

I lived in the same area went to schools in the town I grew up in. Sometimes I did envy the military brats or the people that would move from place to place. I never felt like I really got to start over. As a young adult I did move away a couple times but never very far. Furthest was two and a half hours away.

I did and still would like to see the world beyond my tiny corner. I do still have time to do that. I saw my life being different than it has turned out. I thought I would have a companion by now. Someone to share in adventures with, but that hasn’t turned out like I imagined either. Sometimes I feel like I am still waiting for something dramatic to happen to me instead of actively doing something.

I like writing but I haven’t managed to do anything with it. I need to go on an adventure myself and get going on living. I don’t want to have regrets when I look back on things and I want memories to cherish. I have been in a funk working too much and just surviving.

I’m hoping my vacation in July will be a sort of reset for me because I do need some direction. I feel I have been aimlessly floating down a lazy river but I am ready for something different.

When I look out the window here I see tons of cars going east and west. Tourist season is here in my small town. Businesses trying to get strangers to buy clothing and handmade crafts. I feel like they enjoy my town more than I do because to me it isn’t a travel destination but the place that is always here and always will be.

They get to see it with fresh eyes and I am a bit envious. It will get crazier in July when I will be gone. The tourists will still be here when I get back. They start to taper off in August, which makes September my favorite month here.

It is like a hidden month of summer that most don’t know about. You get all the perks of July and August without all the traffic and events. Seeing these people with their little shopping bags looking so carefree and happy makes me yearn for when it is my turn. I need to get away from this place and my job and breathe. I am getting burned out from work, and I need some time to recharge and be creative.

So what gives me direction? Sometimes it is the circumstances around me, family, employment, and survival, other times I crave more. I want to build and make something. Most of all I want people to share it with who value me and my thoughts. I guess love is a driving force for me. It is why I moved away and to where in the past. It is also why I moved back home. Love is a huge guiding force for me. Hope for the future and nature to renew my spirit are must haves for me.

Ideally I would be near a body of water. I like the sound even if it is just a creek. Water moving replenishes me. I need trees and blue skies. I couldn’t survive in a city permanently. I can visit, but I couldn’t just exist in a concrete jungle. I need green, and blue. I need life.

I go in the direction of being near my loved ones. But I also want to experience other places that I can learn and think about. I think sometimes you need to leave home to truly appreciate it even if it is only for a few days.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Taking Risks: Lessons Learned from a Failing Job

Posted on by jennrae
Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
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The last time I took a risk? Technically I take risks everyday I get into my vehicle. Every time I go into an establishment. Is it a life or death risk? Most of the time no. Sometimes the risk is more to my pocketbook, or my peace of mind.

As far as major risks, one of the more recent ones would have been quitting my job at the bank to try my hand at being a domestic violence advocate. I didn’t work out as intended. I found out I wasn’t a very good advocate and sometimes things work out how they are meant to.

Things were stagnant at the bank, and I knew there were things I didn’t like about it. Mostly it was the insane pressure we were under to upsell to our customers. This wasn’t conducive to real customer service, which I prided myself on. As an institution, we patted ourselves on the bank for not needing a bailout during the housing crisis, only to be hit by a crisis of our own design. The fake account scandal. I am not naming the institution but I am sure you could figure it out if you wanted to.

I got out pre-scandal but was not surprised when it hit. I cashed in my 401k before it took the hit and used it as a down payment on my car. The risk was walking away from a job I know I could do for a job I had no experience in. I had practical experience as someone that experienced domestic violence first hand, but not as an advocate. I didn’t have the bureaucracy experience, the know how of navigating social nets and DSHS, and other institutions.

I was trained to be agreeable and not push the envelope from my childhood as a middle child and a shy girl that had trouble making friends. I wasn’t combative enough, or aggressive enough to really do much for my clients. The organization, which I won’t name, was by far the most toxic workplace I had ever been in. It made me miss the camaraderie of the bank. Sadly, the bank was the last job where I felt like I had a group of people I could enjoy spending time with outside of work. I haven’t found that since.

I ended up getting fired as an advocate. I actually saw a therapist a few times before that, and she said I needed to quit my job, that it was not mentally good for me. Triggering my past experiences and also experiencing workplace bullying from the boss on a daily basis was taking a toll. The irony of being bullied at a domestic violence advocacy center is not lost on me. Being fired was the best outcome as I couldn’t effectively help myself let alone anyone else.

My only regret was not quitting sooner. The bully forced a hug on me and said some b.s. about me being all right and being okay. I was a single mother of a young child who got no child support at the time. It was extremely scary being unemployed. Her hug was a forced thing, I recoiled and stiffened, and I did not consent to it. It was awkward and awful, and was the final insult. I am sure it was a control thing, a final hah, I determine your fate and you suck.

She eroded any confidence I had daily with disparaging remarks and public humiliations by singling me out at meetings and disparaging my work in front of my co workers. She didn’t allow me to learn anything, because she told me repeatedly that she didn’t trust my judgment which made me doubt myself, and not believe in my own judgment.

I still catch myself doubting how I think and my rationale because she would tell me daily how I didn’t think like a normal person and that my decision making was faulty. I think she wanted to get rid of me to pay for new windows.

I took a risk, it didn’t pan out, but now I know what I don’t want to do. I was also heavily encouraged to donate a part of my paycheck back to the organization, which was basically volunteering for a smaller paycheck. I wasn’t wealthy, or well to do. What a garbage organization!

I got discouraged by the sheer amount of grift it enabled as well. So many hotel stays for people who chose to use it for drugs and to invite their abusers to stay with them. I can’t think of anyone we actually helped except maybe some of the kids during the holidays.

I ended up getting a better paying job by hitting the pavement daily. I applied everywhere and went to the unemployment office every single day to work on my resume. It was hard work finding work. Luckily, I had a lot of people from the bank where I worked and at previous jobs I was on good terms with that helped. Needless to say, I didn’t use the advocacy place for anything, but had to explain my firing which was another obstacle to work around.

Ultimately, I got the job where I still am. It will be ten years in June. It isn’t fun and it has its issues. But the pay is decent and it allows me to live and doesn’t feel precarious or uncertain. I guess it feels stable and safe, which is enough for me right now. It is a union job which makes me feel like I have some protection from management if I need it.

So I guess I ended up in a better place after all, just not how I pictured it. Sometimes the path you end up taking is more of a winding one than a straight line. Either way it is your way, how you get there you don’t always know or plan for. I am still learning to believe in myself and in the possibilities. In a way I feel like I am just getting started, it just took me a long time to get here.

Posted in Life

How Do You Unwind After a Demanding Day?

Posted on by jennrae

I unwind mostly by listening to music or watching a movie. Sometimes taking a nap depending on the time of day. Sometimes just clearing my mind and resting my eyes is enough to give me a reset. Occasionally I’ll take a nice hot bath but that is rare.

Sometimes I’ll soak my feet in epsom salt or light some candles. Sometimes I will write if the mood strikes me.

Usually if a day is particularily harsh I will want to veg a bit and not do a whole lot of in depth thinking. If I need to change my mood sometimes going for a walk is enough to change my mental situation.

A lot depends on what happened. If it is a physically demanding day I am more likely to relax. If it is a mentally taxing day then I will want a distraction but not a lot of pressure to come up with thoughts and ideas.

I will go to the gym too and listen to music while I use the machines that can change a mood too. Sometimes just going outside is enough. Just going to the park and watching the birds and the kids play. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head and exist and be alive. Life can pass you by awfully fast if you let it.

Daily writing prompt
How do you unwind after a demanding day?
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Posted in Life, Writing

Do You Believe in Fate/Destiny?

Posted on by jennrae

Do you believe in fate/destiny?

I’m not sure is the honest answer. Sometimes I do. I believe things can happen for a reason. Other times I prefer to be the arbiter of my own life. Fate or destiny can be a bit of a cop out. I think you need to make things happen, not wait for the universe to hand things to you on a platter.

I do think we perceive time as linear when I think it may not be. So, what might seem like fate could be a memory of a future time seeping in making the decision feel familiar or right. I have had deja vu moments that feel like memories but they just happened.

It is odd. I go back and forth on this. Perhaps certain things are fated to happen but we can alter the minutiae.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

Life Lessons from Hardships: Navigating Trust and Reality

Posted on by jennrae

The experiences that changed me for the better are probably also the ones that were the hardest to survive at the time. I find I learn by screwing up and the lessons that stick with me the longest are the ones that take the longest to recover from.

It is hard for me to get into specifics on the internet. One of the lessons I have learned is to be more discerning with who I trust with what information.

I first learned that in school, probably middle school. I had to re learn it when I started working a job. Sometimes I would say something that would give the wrong impression or get back altered. It is something I have had to learn over and over. Gossip is something I avoid. I do not care for drama, and the older I get the more I realize that impressions and memories change with time.

Everyone has their own unique experiences even with the same events. There isn’t a “you’re right, I’m wrong,” in reality. Reality is like quicksand. What seems the most real sometimes isn’t. Sometimes what appears fantastical actually can impart real world wisdom.

This is why I love science-fiction so much. It is like a giant sandbox of ideas. In cinema, lately anyway, horror has kind of overtaken this important job; Sinners, Weapons, come to mind, but there are others. I would argue Frankenstein as well, but at its heart it is science-fiction. You can sometimes better explore reality by bending the rules and taking people out of the familiar. They may see things differently if it is removed from their daily life.

I re-watched V for Vendetta recently, and I got to say, it seems more relevant in 2026 then in 2006. It is 20 years old, but it feels built for today. A good story will do that, it will be timeless. It is what I would like to write, but I have been wrestling with the blank page for a while. I spent probably a good couple hours yesterday playing around with scrivener and not writing a thing. It is like I couldn’t focus.

I have been working a ton, all the days seem to bleed together. But even I have to admit that is an excuse at this point. I had to go to a local coffee shop, get out of my reality for a bit, to do this much writing.

I have learned how to procrastinate and how to waste time growing up in this modern world. I haven’t figured out how to unlearn this. I wish it were easy. But that is another lesson. Nothing worth doing is. And I know this but the brick wall seems awfully real. If you believe something is real hard enough, long enough, does it become real? If the end results are the same, what is the difference? Symantics?

I will admit I have been in a funk mentally wise. Sometimes it is hard to get motivated. I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel, wasting energy going in circles. Sometimes I wonder how I can get off this ride, is there anything out there or just a bigger cage with more distractions?

I have learned to keep a lot of things to myself. I have learned that emotions can make you weak, and to never let down your guard. I am trying to unlearn some of this, but sometimes I fee like an alien among people. I don’t know where to start or how to relate.

Small talk is hard and painful for me. Nothing seems to matter or have a real purpose. I need a direction. I need to find my flow. I used to have trouble not writing. It took all my free time. It was an obsession. I was a machine. Now, I am like a car with no gas. I just can’t seem to get going. I need a muse, I need inspiration.

I guess the biggest lesson I have learned and I have had to re learn this one many times, is this: No matter what you do, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll be okay. You’ll get through this. Life ebbs and flows like a wave in the ocean. If it was constant we wouldn’t notice changes we go through. Life is chaos.

The important part is to never give up. No matter how dark or empty, or scary things get. No matter how lost you feel, or how alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing in and out.

Everything eventually comes back around. Nothing is permanent. Just keep going. Nothing is ever lost forever. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes forms. The people you love, the places you cherish, you will meet them again. Just hang in there.

Posted in Life

Have You Ever Unintentionally Broken the Law?

Posted on by jennrae

I think a couple of times. I may have turned right on red in Oregon. It is allowed in Washington state, but not sure if it is allowed there. I think I may have accidentally not paid for something once. Not sure. Probably around the time the self checkout stations at the grocery stores started getting popular. I don’t think it was anything big. I think I might have also paid for something and forgot to take it with me, so I guess I broke even there.

I am pretty law abiding, generally, if I am supposed to do something, that is what I do. Jaywalking makes me feel guilty. I do not intentionally do anything. I suppose I have speeded a few times but I try not to go more than five miles over the speed limit. I am not someone who breaks the law.

I have heard people try to make excuses about stealing from corporations not hurting people. I know that isn’t the case. The corporations never eat a cost, if something costs them, they always pass it onto the consumer. So, you and I end up paying for it one way or another.

They just put the retail theft cost and add it to the cost of the item. They will never just suck up a loss. They will never just pay an extra amount of tax. You guessed it, it will just be added to the cost.

That’s is why adding a rich tax or attempting a living wage here doesn’t work. It just makes it more expensive to live here. Washington is up there with California and Hawaii, and it used to not be.

Just in my lifetime the minimum wage has skyrocketed, and everything else increases at the same rate. So, I am not making any more money, really. I am just experiencing insane inflation.

Kind of frustrating. But no, the law is the law. If there is a law I don’t like, I would say so, but I would never intentionally break it. It just isn’t who I am.

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever unintentionally broken the law?
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