Posted in Life

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

I found out through the tangled grapevine that someone from my building passed away, and I feel bad about it, because I can’t count the times I passed by her hurriedly, saying hi, and my mind being elsewhere. She wasn’t elderly either, and she had some issues. I feel now, that it is too late to go back and do things differently, I wish I had been a little nicer, reached out a little more; listened and paid attention to what she was trying to tell me.  I think she was shouting, “Help!” It just came out in different words. And, my brain didn’t translate it as such. It reminds me of a poem I wrote down once, because it struck me as being kinda true. And the last line of the poem was, “I wasn’t waving, but drowning.” I think that was what she was doing, not saying hi, but crying for help.  It’s easy to forget she was someones mother, sister, daughter, grandmother. She was a person, who was actually very sweet, just a little mixed up. I didn’t realize she was in such trouble, I had no idea she would end her life. I wish I had listened more.

But there comes a point where you have to admit, you aren’t a time traveler. You can’t fix things, it is beyond your control. What I can do is think positive, and hope her family is strong. And learn to pay more attention to the signs so next time I can say, yes, I did all I could.

At the same time I’m going through this, I feel guilty for being happy. I feel like I am finally off the treadmill and things seem to be progressing, and then I feel guilty that I’m leaving someone behind that I would’ve moved mountains for. But you can only do so much without the person reciprocating. I did do all I could. I gave it everything I had, I tried enough for two people for months. I did all I could, but he never took my hand. I never wanted to cause him any pain. But you can’t drag a horse to water. They have to want to drink.  And, if that one isn’t thirsty, and you have tried everything, it might be time to find a horse that is thirsty. I can’t swim upstream forever with no hope of anything coming of it.

To the not thirsty one: Please stop making me feel bad for letting go, when you were shoving me out the door! If you want me to be happy, let me be happy. Stop reliving the past. The past is gone. There could have been a future, but you made the choice. You made the decision to not take the risk, to not reach out. Now, you have to live with that. I can say that I gave it my all, and that makes it easier for me. Because I know I tried. I tried so hard for so long. But, I am done crying over you. I’m sorry.

Posted in Life

Life Has a Funny Way of Working Out…

I haven’t added any new posts lately, and I wanted to start the new year off with an optimistic message. I am feeling good, and I think New Year’s symbolizes for many of us a fresh start, or a reset on our lives, a reevaluation of what and how we are doing. I know it has been for me. I think this past year I got caught up in trying too hard to make things work out how I wanted them to, instead of just letting things work themselves out how they are meant to be.

Life can be short, long, or inbetween. But, either way life has a funny way of working out. Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes not. But, whatever happens, happens. You can only control so much, so focus on the things that you can change, and allow the greater changes to enfold in the ways they will. I think I wasted a lot of energy in futility, because I was stubborn, and a hopeless romantic. I am still a romantic, but now I have some hope. The future is bright, I just went through a tunnel. The light at the end of it shines as bright as ever.

Life is what you make of it, and I know I have made it harder on myself in some ways, not always made the best decisions or thought things through enough. But, the past is the past, and I think it is important to give the present and the future its due. The past cannot be changed. Only the future, and it isn’t up to a mystical fate. It is up to each of us to create our fate. If there is something you want to do before you die, get on it! There is no time like the present. I am going to try to do some writing everyday. It helps me reach my equilibrium, when my equilibrium  is off, everything seems to fall apart, when I feel balanced, things seem tranquil. So I am going to take the time to find myself, and my destiny. I can’t know the future, and I can’t control what happens outside of my immediate influence. But, I can choose how I react to it, and I can make choices that will determine it in the long run.

On that note, I would like to wish everyone a very happy New Year, and take care of your loved ones, and the people in your lives. It is the memories of the holidays that children remember the most, so make them happy times. That is also a choice. 🙂