Posted in Life

Letting Go is Hard, but Necessary

I drove by where I went to high school near my favorite coffee shop, and remembered how I lost a little ring right before graduation. I never had time to properly look for it, although I tried with the time I did have. It was small, and had a tiny blue sapphire. It wasn’t a real sapphire, just glass and some cheap metal. It was basically a dime store ring.

So, what was so special about this ring? The reason I wore it that day? I had owned that ring since I was five years old. It meant a lot to me, my mom gave it to me but I don’t remember how it came about. Was it my birthday? Was it just because I saw it and liked it? The details are lost, I just knew I had it for a very long time. It became a part of me. It went through all my trials and tribulations up to that point in my life. It transcended being a dime store ring, and became my childhood, culminating in my graduation.

So, what made me suddenly remember combing the concrete path near the old gym/auditorium as I drove by? I can’t say for sure, but a good guess is that I was subconsciously reminding myself that like back then, I am now also undergoing a transition. And, while it may not have been for so many years, I did have someone who journeyed with me for a year, who went through the trials and tribulations of my current life. Someone who I must now let go.

Like the ring, I spent all the time I could retracing my steps, hoping to find what I’d lost. But, eventually I used up all the time, and had to go on with my life, and accept that it was over, that the ring, or in this case, this special person’s journey with me had come to an end. It was time to start a new chapter of my life, one which I have no idea where it ends, or how. It’s an open-ended book, the possibilities are endless.

Don’t waste too much time looking for your dime store ring. The meaning you attach to it, is in the memories and events, not the item itself. Some things and some people disappear from your life, and accepting that they are gone and mourning the loss is a way to transition to better things, better times. Someday you will be able to drive by the area, and passively remember searching for the ring, and it will be just another memory.

Posted in Life

Change is Good…or Great Expectations and Why No Expectations are the Greatest!

I’m writing this looking forward to the future. I get to get back into dating, this time I will take my time and enjoy the process of getting to know another human being. My goal is not to rush into anything, but at the same time I am excited for a fresh start. A start where someone doesn’t have a preconceived notion of who I am, or who I should be. Someone that will hopefully, have an open mind and possibly grow to love me as I am in this moment. Not for any perceived potential or tweaking, or reinvention. Someone who may just end up being a one time fun date, or a friend, or a lover.

I love going into it without expecting anything in return. It is like I am leaving the answer up to the universe to figure out. I am not hedging all my happiness on one poor soul, but I am looking forward to the experience nonetheless. If I don’t go into it thinking this is my last shot of the love lottery, I am not as likely to be disappointed.

Can I still be disappointed? Of course, there is always the possibility of that. Him cancelling the date, changing his mind, not meeting, not getting to know someone. Those things would be disappointing, but not in a traumatic way. I am not heavily invested. It would be more like, well, that sucks, let’s see who else is out there. Not, OMG, I am UNLOVABLE!! Which is the polar opposite reaction, the reaction that takes every failure personally. My goal is to not take it personally. Whatever will be, will be. My goal is to not stop taking risks, to not let fear be the deciding factor of my life.

A quote from a sweet romantic film done by Baz Luhrman comes to mind, Strictly Ballroom, if you haven’t seen it, you should, “A life Lived in fear is a life half-lived.” The whole movie is about people and how they perceive success and failure, and how that fear of being a failure, or being laughed at, ridiculed, put down makes some people give up on their dreams, their goals. I say, don’t give up! If it is worth doing, it won’t be easy. If you go down without a fight, you will always live your life full of regrets. “Why didn’t I try harder, why did I give up, why didn’t I give it my all?, why didn’t I put myself back out there? Fear of rejection is still just fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let the fear win. Adversity makes us stronger in the end. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Life is Good, or Life is What You Make it

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading about things like making decisions, how to move on, and how to be happy with how things are. Trying to think positive, and accept things as they are, not how I would like them to be, or how I wish they were. Reality is reality. And, reality isn’t that bad. Life is actually good. It is easy to get trapped into seeing the negative things, and overlook the positive. Even things like having a loved one leave your life abruptly, can actually bring good things into your life.

For me, it has been hard to stay optimistic. There are mornings where I wish I could magically get my old life back. I was happy, content. I really felt good, and didn’t desire more. But, it was perhaps my lack of wanting more that made it stale for the other person. I guess I will never know, and knowing that answer won’t change anything anyway. But, then I realize that the leaving was a catalyst for a lot of things I may not have started doing. Going back to school, starting an exercise regimen, writing more, even feeling flirtatious, and being able to spend time doing other things. Like quality time with my son, or even trying to set up a date, or just going out for the sake of going out. I don’t have to worry about entertaining someone else, or cooking for someone else, except my son and all he wants is mac and cheese or pancakes. It opened a lot of freedom for me, and is forcing me to look into my life and improve it.

The trick is to not get stuck in the past, or the woulda coulda shoulda’s. And I have to fight that every day. It is difficult to accept that someone can love you one day, and leave you the next. You feel like that happens when you do something wrong, for example:  lie, cheat, be disrespectful. You don’t prepare yourself for them just deciding it isn’t a good fit for them. You aren’t a shoe, or a sweater. You are a person. If they loved you, they would try everything in their power to make it work right? Not necessarily. And you will never know what’s going on in their head, and you will never know why. And the really great news is….you don’t need to. Because it doesn’t matter. What matters is you know that you tried, that you gave it your all. That you didn’t give up on them. That you treated them right, and that you deserve better. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

To have a beginning there has to be an end…

It’s been a while since i made a blog post. Partly I just wasn’t feeling a good vibe for the last posts. They came off too preachy, and who am I really? I am just another soul on a journey experiencing highs, lows and everything in between. I know I don’t have all the answers, I am not even sure I have a few of them anymore. I am questioning things I took for granted. What is happiness? Is it attainable for the long term, or is it just a temporary satisfaction to be followed by a fall? Is it something I should search for, or should I be content to be healthy, and alive? Is that enough?

I really don’t know. I suppose I have to start with being me, and being happy with that and go from there. Work on improving my mind, and body, and soul. I thought I found someone that I could be partners with for the rest of my life. But I was wrong. I felt it, I was happy. It felt right to me, I trusted him, I believed in him. I wanted to cheer him on, I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on on hard days, and to be a person he could go to for anything. I wanted him to be happy, and to be himself with me. I wanted to give all this, because I felt I got all this from him. he had my back, and I had his. That’s what i thought I knew. I didn’t really get to know him, I knew the person he showed me, the person i thought loved me, and that I loved. In reality, he was unhappy, unfulfilled, going through the motions, taking it day by day, existing. Somewhere, somehow he figured out he didn’t want what we had anymore, and needed to leave. The thinking process, the things that led up to it, weren’t discussed with me. I was living a fairy tale, I had no idea the other shoe was about to crash on my head. I had no idea he didn’t want this. I thought, I assumed he was on my page.

Now I think maybe I was reading the wrong book, and I don’t know where to start. I have to redirect all this energy back to me and my son. I am on the start of a new journey, which is scary and exciting at the same time. In order to have a beginning, you must have an ending. It wasn’t the ending that I wanted, but then I am not the author of my own story. I have to deal with what is, not what I would like, or what could have been, or should have been. Reality is that he is gone, and won’t be back, i have to be here, and find the person who wants what I want. I am not there yet, first I have to find my place in the book, before I go seeking between the pages. but when I am ready, I know I will be better, stronger, and more determined for having gone through this. I can handle whatever is thrown my way, and bounce back twice as strong. This is a blip on the radar of life, a pebble in my shoe that has been removed. now, to keep on walking.