Category: Life

Posted in Life

Letting Go is Hard, but Necessary

Posted on by jennrae

I drove by where I went to high school near my favorite coffee shop, and remembered how I lost a little ring right before graduation. I never had time to properly look for it, although I tried with the time I did have. It was small, and had a tiny blue sapphire. It wasn’t a real sapphire, just glass and some cheap metal. It was basically a dime store ring.

So, what was so special about this ring? The reason I wore it that day? I had owned that ring since I was five years old. It meant a lot to me, my mom gave it to me but I don’t remember how it came about. Was it my birthday? Was it just because I saw it and liked it? The details are lost, I just knew I had it for a very long time. It became a part of me. It went through all my trials and tribulations up to that point in my life. It transcended being a dime store ring, and became my childhood, culminating in my graduation.

So, what made me suddenly remember combing the concrete path near the old gym/auditorium as I drove by? I can’t say for sure, but a good guess is that I was subconsciously reminding myself that like back then, I am now also undergoing a transition. And, while it may not have been for so many years, I did have someone who journeyed with me for a year, who went through the trials and tribulations of my current life. Someone who I must now let go.

Like the ring, I spent all the time I could retracing my steps, hoping to find what I’d lost. But, eventually I used up all the time, and had to go on with my life, and accept that it was over, that the ring, or in this case, this special person’s journey with me had come to an end. It was time to start a new chapter of my life, one which I have no idea where it ends, or how. It’s an open-ended book, the possibilities are endless.

Don’t waste too much time looking for your dime store ring. The meaning you attach to it, is in the memories and events, not the item itself. Some things and some people disappear from your life, and accepting that they are gone and mourning the loss is a way to transition to better things, better times. Someday you will be able to drive by the area, and passively remember searching for the ring, and it will be just another memory.

Posted in Life

Change is Good…or Great Expectations and Why No Expectations are the Greatest!

Posted on by jennrae

I’m writing this looking forward to the future. I get to get back into dating, this time I will take my time and enjoy the process of getting to know another human being. My goal is not to rush into anything, but at the same time I am excited for a fresh start. A start where someone doesn’t have a preconceived notion of who I am, or who I should be. Someone that will hopefully, have an open mind and possibly grow to love me as I am in this moment. Not for any perceived potential or tweaking, or reinvention. Someone who may just end up being a one time fun date, or a friend, or a lover.

I love going into it without expecting anything in return. It is like I am leaving the answer up to the universe to figure out. I am not hedging all my happiness on one poor soul, but I am looking forward to the experience nonetheless. If I don’t go into it thinking this is my last shot of the love lottery, I am not as likely to be disappointed.

Can I still be disappointed? Of course, there is always the possibility of that. Him cancelling the date, changing his mind, not meeting, not getting to know someone. Those things would be disappointing, but not in a traumatic way. I am not heavily invested. It would be more like, well, that sucks, let’s see who else is out there. Not, OMG, I am UNLOVABLE!! Which is the polar opposite reaction, the reaction that takes every failure personally. My goal is to not take it personally. Whatever will be, will be. My goal is to not stop taking risks, to not let fear be the deciding factor of my life.

A quote from a sweet romantic film done by Baz Luhrman comes to mind, Strictly Ballroom, if you haven’t seen it, you should, “A life Lived in fear is a life half-lived.” The whole movie is about people and how they perceive success and failure, and how that fear of being a failure, or being laughed at, ridiculed, put down makes some people give up on their dreams, their goals. I say, don’t give up! If it is worth doing, it won’t be easy. If you go down without a fight, you will always live your life full of regrets. “Why didn’t I try harder, why did I give up, why didn’t I give it my all?, why didn’t I put myself back out there? Fear of rejection is still just fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let the fear win. Adversity makes us stronger in the end. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Life is Good, or Life is What You Make it

Posted on by jennrae

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading about things like making decisions, how to move on, and how to be happy with how things are. Trying to think positive, and accept things as they are, not how I would like them to be, or how I wish they were. Reality is reality. And, reality isn’t that bad. Life is actually good. It is easy to get trapped into seeing the negative things, and overlook the positive. Even things like having a loved one leave your life abruptly, can actually bring good things into your life.

For me, it has been hard to stay optimistic. There are mornings where I wish I could magically get my old life back. I was happy, content. I really felt good, and didn’t desire more. But, it was perhaps my lack of wanting more that made it stale for the other person. I guess I will never know, and knowing that answer won’t change anything anyway. But, then I realize that the leaving was a catalyst for a lot of things I may not have started doing. Going back to school, starting an exercise regimen, writing more, even feeling flirtatious, and being able to spend time doing other things. Like quality time with my son, or even trying to set up a date, or just going out for the sake of going out. I don’t have to worry about entertaining someone else, or cooking for someone else, except my son and all he wants is mac and cheese or pancakes. It opened a lot of freedom for me, and is forcing me to look into my life and improve it.

The trick is to not get stuck in the past, or the woulda coulda shoulda’s. And I have to fight that every day. It is difficult to accept that someone can love you one day, and leave you the next. You feel like that happens when you do something wrong, for example:  lie, cheat, be disrespectful. You don’t prepare yourself for them just deciding it isn’t a good fit for them. You aren’t a shoe, or a sweater. You are a person. If they loved you, they would try everything in their power to make it work right? Not necessarily. And you will never know what’s going on in their head, and you will never know why. And the really great news is….you don’t need to. Because it doesn’t matter. What matters is you know that you tried, that you gave it your all. That you didn’t give up on them. That you treated them right, and that you deserve better. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

To have a beginning there has to be an end…

Posted on by jennrae

It’s been a while since i made a blog post. Partly I just wasn’t feeling a good vibe for the last posts. They came off too preachy, and who am I really? I am just another soul on a journey experiencing highs, lows and everything in between. I know I don’t have all the answers, I am not even sure I have a few of them anymore. I am questioning things I took for granted. What is happiness? Is it attainable for the long term, or is it just a temporary satisfaction to be followed by a fall? Is it something I should search for, or should I be content to be healthy, and alive? Is that enough?

I really don’t know. I suppose I have to start with being me, and being happy with that and go from there. Work on improving my mind, and body, and soul. I thought I found someone that I could be partners with for the rest of my life. But I was wrong. I felt it, I was happy. It felt right to me, I trusted him, I believed in him. I wanted to cheer him on, I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on on hard days, and to be a person he could go to for anything. I wanted him to be happy, and to be himself with me. I wanted to give all this, because I felt I got all this from him. he had my back, and I had his. That’s what i thought I knew. I didn’t really get to know him, I knew the person he showed me, the person i thought loved me, and that I loved. In reality, he was unhappy, unfulfilled, going through the motions, taking it day by day, existing. Somewhere, somehow he figured out he didn’t want what we had anymore, and needed to leave. The thinking process, the things that led up to it, weren’t discussed with me. I was living a fairy tale, I had no idea the other shoe was about to crash on my head. I had no idea he didn’t want this. I thought, I assumed he was on my page.

Now I think maybe I was reading the wrong book, and I don’t know where to start. I have to redirect all this energy back to me and my son. I am on the start of a new journey, which is scary and exciting at the same time. In order to have a beginning, you must have an ending. It wasn’t the ending that I wanted, but then I am not the author of my own story. I have to deal with what is, not what I would like, or what could have been, or should have been. Reality is that he is gone, and won’t be back, i have to be here, and find the person who wants what I want. I am not there yet, first I have to find my place in the book, before I go seeking between the pages. but when I am ready, I know I will be better, stronger, and more determined for having gone through this. I can handle whatever is thrown my way, and bounce back twice as strong. This is a blip on the radar of life, a pebble in my shoe that has been removed. now, to keep on walking.

Posted in Life

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Posted on by jennrae

I found out through the tangled grapevine that someone from my building passed away, and I feel bad about it, because I can’t count the times I passed by her hurriedly, saying hi, and my mind being elsewhere. She wasn’t elderly either, and she had some issues. I feel now, that it is too late to go back and do things differently, I wish I had been a little nicer, reached out a little more; listened and paid attention to what she was trying to tell me.  I think she was shouting, “Help!” It just came out in different words. And, my brain didn’t translate it as such. It reminds me of a poem I wrote down once, because it struck me as being kinda true. And the last line of the poem was, “I wasn’t waving, but drowning.” I think that was what she was doing, not saying hi, but crying for help.  It’s easy to forget she was someones mother, sister, daughter, grandmother. She was a person, who was actually very sweet, just a little mixed up. I didn’t realize she was in such trouble, I had no idea she would end her life. I wish I had listened more.

But there comes a point where you have to admit, you aren’t a time traveler. You can’t fix things, it is beyond your control. What I can do is think positive, and hope her family is strong. And learn to pay more attention to the signs so next time I can say, yes, I did all I could.

At the same time I’m going through this, I feel guilty for being happy. I feel like I am finally off the treadmill and things seem to be progressing, and then I feel guilty that I’m leaving someone behind that I would’ve moved mountains for. But you can only do so much without the person reciprocating. I did do all I could. I gave it everything I had, I tried enough for two people for months. I did all I could, but he never took my hand. I never wanted to cause him any pain. But you can’t drag a horse to water. They have to want to drink.  And, if that one isn’t thirsty, and you have tried everything, it might be time to find a horse that is thirsty. I can’t swim upstream forever with no hope of anything coming of it.

To the not thirsty one: Please stop making me feel bad for letting go, when you were shoving me out the door! If you want me to be happy, let me be happy. Stop reliving the past. The past is gone. There could have been a future, but you made the choice. You made the decision to not take the risk, to not reach out. Now, you have to live with that. I can say that I gave it my all, and that makes it easier for me. Because I know I tried. I tried so hard for so long. But, I am done crying over you. I’m sorry.

Posted in Life

Life Has a Funny Way of Working Out…

Posted on by jennrae

I haven’t added any new posts lately, and I wanted to start the new year off with an optimistic message. I am feeling good, and I think New Year’s symbolizes for many of us a fresh start, or a reset on our lives, a reevaluation of what and how we are doing. I know it has been for me. I think this past year I got caught up in trying too hard to make things work out how I wanted them to, instead of just letting things work themselves out how they are meant to be.

Life can be short, long, or inbetween. But, either way life has a funny way of working out. Sometimes it is unexpected. Sometimes not. But, whatever happens, happens. You can only control so much, so focus on the things that you can change, and allow the greater changes to enfold in the ways they will. I think I wasted a lot of energy in futility, because I was stubborn, and a hopeless romantic. I am still a romantic, but now I have some hope. The future is bright, I just went through a tunnel. The light at the end of it shines as bright as ever.

Life is what you make of it, and I know I have made it harder on myself in some ways, not always made the best decisions or thought things through enough. But, the past is the past, and I think it is important to give the present and the future its due. The past cannot be changed. Only the future, and it isn’t up to a mystical fate. It is up to each of us to create our fate. If there is something you want to do before you die, get on it! There is no time like the present. I am going to try to do some writing everyday. It helps me reach my equilibrium, when my equilibrium  is off, everything seems to fall apart, when I feel balanced, things seem tranquil. So I am going to take the time to find myself, and my destiny. I can’t know the future, and I can’t control what happens outside of my immediate influence. But, I can choose how I react to it, and I can make choices that will determine it in the long run.

On that note, I would like to wish everyone a very happy New Year, and take care of your loved ones, and the people in your lives. It is the memories of the holidays that children remember the most, so make them happy times. That is also a choice. 🙂

Posted in Life

Those Starving Kids in China…and Other Tales of Woe

Posted on by jennrae

Sometimes it is easy for me to fall into that old trap of wanting what I can’t have and kicking myself when I’m down. Two bad days in a row makes it seem like life is terrible. But, I feel it is important to take the time to stop, breathe, and remember that two days doesn’t make up a person’s lifetime,and two bad days back to back mean nothing except you had two bad days back to back. I think us humans have a tendency to reach for meaning where there isn’t always meaning to be found. Sometimes it is what it appears, and sometimes not, so best to not jump to conclusions.

Anyway, about those starving kids in China. I remember always being told at dinner time to eat all the food on my plate because there were starving kids in China. Maybe China was a safe choice, far away enough to not have it be real, but a real country, so still plausible? Either way, I sometimes struggled to clean my plate. I would be up there at the table sometimes for over an hour. I tend to eat slow, and I eat slower still when I am full, but I was always told not to waste food. It became a problem until one day, I insisted on dishing out my own portions. I lost a lot of weight after doing that too, my mom meant well, but basically she was forcing me to overeat and telling me to do what I was told, didn’t seem to actually figure out that there was a problem with a simple solution.

To this day, I hate wasting food, it feels wrong to me. And, I don’t think waste is good.  But, neither is feeling sick because you ate too much. I guess what my rambling point is, that we don’t always see how good we have it, and we don’t always see the full picture of what’s going on. Sometimes what looks like an insurmountable problem actually has a simple solution. Don’t want your kid to waste food on their plate? Dish up smaller portions, if they are still hungry, they can go back for seconds.  Can’t seem to save money, find a way to set aside money without having to think about it. Don’t like your life right now, try to figure out what you don’t like, and do something about it. (I am still working on this one, sometimes inertia is so much easier than forcing yourself to be proactive.)

We as people often use tales of woe, or saying someone else has it worse off to make ourselves feel better. I say, if it works, go for it! If you need to think on those starving kids to eat your spinach, then picture them in all their bulging eye, rib showing glory.

Different things motivate different people. I actually get more motivated when I feel good. If I feel like I’m on a roll, and the good things keep coming, it is like a high. If I am being badgered, ordered about, reminded daily of my faults and short comings, than, I tend to do the whole fall flat on my face failure plus self fulfilling prophecy bit. The trick that I am trying to learn is to channel and store that good feeling and try to summon it up during the bad times, like my own energy source.

And, to try and take a moment and remember that people are comprised partly on the events that have happened to them throughout their day. Do not give people the power to control your moods, up or down. If you depend on someone to make you feel good, or let someone make you feel bad, you are giving them way too much power over your self-worth.  Besides, even well-meaning people let others down from time to time. If you aren’t emotionally dependent on them, than it isn’t the end of the world when this happens. (I’m still working on this as well, easier said than done!)

In closing, there are starving children somewhere, some not as far away as China, some further, and there are horrible accidents, diseases and disasters being brought to our attention via television everyday. But, in the end, to prevent useless anxiety, it really serves no purpose to worry about the things beyond your control. Find your peace within, and your life won’t seem too bad. It isn’t going to be paradise on earth everyday either, that just isn’t natural, but, nothing is unsalvageable.  🙂

Posted in Life

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Posted on by jennrae

And, if you aren’t an American, than happy whatever the equivalent holiday, and well wishes to you regardless! 🙂

To everyone that is celebrating, celebrate! Celebrate your family, your loved ones, the fact that there is a time for togetherness set aside as a National Holiday. Many places will be closed and allow us to stop our busy lives momentarily and just be. So, regardless of how close you are to your family or loved ones, hopefully you will set aside some time today to think of them, and how lucky you were to have them in your lives and to send well wishes their way in whatever way you can. I know the weather is keeping some families apart on this day, but it isn’t the day, it is the time spent.  If you can’t get together until Monday, don’t fret, your love isn’t worth more on Thursday… it is worth the same.

So cherish the people in your lives, and feel good. Celebrate your life, and think on the good times, not the bad, and remember to smile! it is contagious much like yawning!

I am determined to be a mood enhancer instead of a downer. I am not going to let any drama get in my way, whether of my creation or not. Nothing will stop me from enjoying the moments with those that really care for me. And, to the ones I care for that are far away, I hope your time with your families has went well, and that it is a good experience for you. Know that you are in my thoughts, and that I wish you well!

Now that I got all that out of the way, I’d like to say I am drifting toward being too serious again. I don’t want to lose the lightness, charm, and silliness. I think part of enjoying life is being able to laugh it off, and shrug. I want to keep the good feelings going, and I don’t want to get into the old trap of freaking out. So, I am going to make an effort to stay light, and not tell people what they should do, because how do I know? What is good advice to one person, is horrible advice to another, and I don’t want to become one of those writers that acts like they have all the answers.  I learn as I go along, by trial and error same as the rest of you.

I am far from wise, and I know it.  I do believe knowledge is power. Whether we choose to use that power or not, is never a given.  Sometimes knowing is enough, sometimes we have to act on our knowledge to get anything from it.  Maybe some knowledge is like the atom bomb, not to be used but just the idea of having it can be used as a weapon, and some knowledge is trivial, and won’t affect much, and everything in between. Either way, I hope everyone takes care of each other and gives their dear ones a big hug sometime today.  A hug never hurt anyone, unlike the A-bomb. 🙂

Posted in Life, Writing

Uncertainty and Personal Responsibility…and The White Fluffy Stuff

Posted on by jennrae

So I am bored and snowed in. Got so much snow, not sure if I am working tomorrow or not, or what’s going on. This of course gets me thinking about that dreaded feeling of uncertainty we all get when we don’t know what’s going to happen next. In a movie it is called suspense, and generally is considered a good thing, keeps the interest going. In your life, it is often stressful, and causes anxiety, not a good thing. I also want to touch on personal responsibility, as it appears to be harder to find people who actually accept and use it.

As far as uncertainty goes, we all have some of it in our lives. Nothing is set in stone, nothing is ever one hundred percent guaranteed. There is always an element of risk, it is all about how much you are willing to take, and whether the reward is worth it to you.

Ultimately, in my experience, the additional anxiety caused by worrying about possible futures that may or may not happen is a big waste of time. Often the end result that we suffer so much worrying about doesn’t even come to pass. It is good to be prepared, and to use your knowledge and past experiences to avoid repeating mistakes. There is a time and place for blind faith, but, it would be foolhardy to risk it all constantly. There becomes a point where gambling becomes less fun and more irresponsible and dangerous. Still, you can’t always play it safe, or you will miss out on alot of potential things in life. Promotions at work, people as friends, lovers, or even business contacts, or life in general. Our lives are made up of our experiences, good and bad. Both of these kinds of experiences partially create the person we are in this moment.

For example, I would be a much different person today if I had stayed in my marriage, or if  I had never gotten married. I might have been plagued by pointless “what if”ing, or maybe not. I will never know, but unless you are planning on writing an alternative history novel, I don’t see the point of dwelling on the past. You should deal with the past, not bury it, but once dealt with, you have to move on to greener pastures. You cannot time travel and fix it. And, if you could, how do you know if things would be better? You will never know, so instead, channel the what ifs, and the maybe’s into some passion of yours. For me, it is writing. I borrow pieces of people who I have met, and known over the years and mix them up with invented traits, and pieces of me. It is like venting, but kinda productive.  Makes for a rich cast of fictional people because there is an element of the non fiction in all writing. It is based on our experiences. Just as there is an element of fiction in most non fiction, via writer bias and flawed memories.

As far as taking responsibility goes, I get tired of people passing the buck, or blaming everyone else. Time to own up. And, if you do manage to mess up, clean up your mess. Don’t just shrug and go oh well, that is too bad. Someone has to do it, might as well be the person responsible. Oh, there is that word again, responsibility. Now, to tie these two things together isn’t actually as difficult as it appears. They go hand in hand. If you don’t take responsiblity for your actions, you will continue to find yourself in various crises, and also will most likely have a trail of past mistakes trailing after you.

Until you own it, and make amends for your past, take responsibility for what you messed up on, you are destined to repeat it. I have found it freed up my conscious to admit to myself my mistakes, how I contributed to how things have went in my life. It is freeing to know where you goofed, and it is nice to know not to do that again. Now, don’t take all the responsibility on your shoulders. There are always more than one reason for how things go. But, I do feel it is important for people to own their part of it.

As far as uncertainty goes, embrace it! It is part of being alive. We would all be so bored if we had all the answers and knew the screenplay of our lives by heart. If you don’t want to be plagued by the road less traveled, then get off the path a little. Maybe you are playing it too safe.

*May everyone who lives where it is snowing drive carefully, and be safe! Ice is nothing to gamble on! 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

What My Toddler Taught Me the Other Day…

Posted on by jennrae

I have been experimenting with my webcam, as my Facebook friends are well aware, and I was going to upload an intro video for here, but ran into the whole, uh, no you can’t do that without paying money thing. So, I won’t be doing that after all, and I was kinda looking forward to it. I guess for this entry, I will be touching on disappointment. Because I was disappointed that I couldn’t upload a video, but also, I have been running into a lot of things that could be disappointing, or have been disappointing, but, you can choose to not let it get you down.

For example, last night I had some good quality time with the family, and my young son was in a bad mood, he had missed his nap and he is only two years old. Soon, my mom was grumpy, then I was grumpy, then my dad, then my brothers, and pretty soon it was kinda tense.  It illustrated to me, how negative emotions, feelings can spread, from one person to the next. It was kinda amazing looking back, when I wasn’t in the cloud anymore, and realizing it all started with my son being grumpy. Of course, the situation got so tense, that we started making jokes, changing the subject, and eventually the tension was relieved, and later, even, my son was in a great mood, very happy. and we were all smiling, and laughing. Positive emotions are also infectious.  It’s nice to know it works both ways.

However, why am I telling you all this? This wasn’t disappointing? Well, I was disappointed in myself, for allowing myself to be drawn into the negativity, for slipping into snappiness, for being a part of the problem. I have been so happy lately, I thought nothing could bring me down. And, this just awakened in me the realization that contentment is fragile. That you can get drawn into the chaos, and you have to take a moment, and try to step back from the situation. Don’t let it escalate, don’t become a part of the problem. I realized this later, although at the time, I did make a conscious choice to stop contributing, and I am glad that I had the sense to do that.

The real disappointment came later, my son seemed to be ready to go. He willingly got his coat and shoes on, said something about a field trip. I just kinda said, yeah, sure, why not. I had no idea that he thought we were actually going on a  field trip at 8pm. Needless to say, when we pulled into our parking spot, he flipped out on me, refused to leave the car, and cried, “FIELD TRIPPPPPP!!!!!” I was completely taken aback. I had no idea he thought we were going someplace, when I thought he was on my page, that it was time to go home. I eventually hauled him upstairs, pointed out that the stars were out, and that it was too late for a field trip, and that we could go on one tomorrow. He wasn’t mollified by this.  Eventually, I waited it out, and he took off his coat, and let me rock him in the rocking chair, until he fell asleep. He was disappointed and he handled it like a typical toddler, by throwing a tantrum. As adults, we can’t handle it this way, and still be  considered as  functional in society. We have to swallow it, or confess it, or bury it, or deal with it. Dealing with it, is usually the best way, although it can be the most unpleasant at the time.

I guess my point is, no matter what you are kicking yourself in the behind about, you can always go on that field trip tomorrow, there is always hope, there is always another try.  If you are disappointed, don’t let it ruin things, know that as long as you are breathing and able, there is always a chance it will work out down the line. Sometimes, timing is everything, and sometimes, we get caught up in our own cloud of negativity, and it is hard to see that you are in it until you are out.