It’s been a while since i made a blog post. Partly I just wasn’t feeling a good vibe for the last posts. They came off too preachy, and who am I really? I am just another soul on a journey experiencing highs, lows and everything in between. I know I don’t have all the answers, I am not even sure I have a few of them anymore. I am questioning things I took for granted. What is happiness? Is it attainable for the long term, or is it just a temporary satisfaction to be followed by a fall? Is it something I should search for, or should I be content to be healthy, and alive? Is that enough?
I really don’t know. I suppose I have to start with being me, and being happy with that and go from there. Work on improving my mind, and body, and soul. I thought I found someone that I could be partners with for the rest of my life. But I was wrong. I felt it, I was happy. It felt right to me, I trusted him, I believed in him. I wanted to cheer him on, I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on on hard days, and to be a person he could go to for anything. I wanted him to be happy, and to be himself with me. I wanted to give all this, because I felt I got all this from him. he had my back, and I had his. That’s what i thought I knew. I didn’t really get to know him, I knew the person he showed me, the person i thought loved me, and that I loved. In reality, he was unhappy, unfulfilled, going through the motions, taking it day by day, existing. Somewhere, somehow he figured out he didn’t want what we had anymore, and needed to leave. The thinking process, the things that led up to it, weren’t discussed with me. I was living a fairy tale, I had no idea the other shoe was about to crash on my head. I had no idea he didn’t want this. I thought, I assumed he was on my page.
Now I think maybe I was reading the wrong book, and I don’t know where to start. I have to redirect all this energy back to me and my son. I am on the start of a new journey, which is scary and exciting at the same time. In order to have a beginning, you must have an ending. It wasn’t the ending that I wanted, but then I am not the author of my own story. I have to deal with what is, not what I would like, or what could have been, or should have been. Reality is that he is gone, and won’t be back, i have to be here, and find the person who wants what I want. I am not there yet, first I have to find my place in the book, before I go seeking between the pages. but when I am ready, I know I will be better, stronger, and more determined for having gone through this. I can handle whatever is thrown my way, and bounce back twice as strong. This is a blip on the radar of life, a pebble in my shoe that has been removed. now, to keep on walking.