Tag: new paths

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

What I Used to Be..

Posted on by jennrae

This last writing prompt was hard because I have never really tried my hand at poetry. And there is something inherently intimidating about trying your hand at something you haven’t done before. I have always handicapped myself unnecessarily with wondering whether I am good enough or not, whether I should bother trying or not. If I can’t attain perfection what’s the point?

But then I remind myself it isn’t always about the destination but the journey, I know how cliche, but it is how we learn and grow, how we become the people we are in this moment. I remember signing up for college at UW Tacoma to get my Bachelor’s in Communications. I failed, I let life distract me and get in the way of my goals. I had this dream of becoming an editor maybe even going to Manhattan, publisher’s row as they call it. I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she telling me I was wasting everyone’s time and money. I should give up, I won’t get the degree. To this day I am sorry I didn’t prove her wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t have it in me. It was I got lost along the way. I got wrapped up in the unnecessary drama of life.

I let someone force their way into my life and home and completely destroy me. He also told me I was worthless, a piece of garbage and undeserving of life, an utter failure. I think we do internalize what others say, especially if it mimics our insecurities as this did at the time. I was depressed I know now, and that’s why my grades slipped and I eventually dropped out with nothing to show for it except a mountain of student debt.

But, my mom, this guy, they were wrong about me. I was wrong about me. I know this now. They didn’t really know me, they knew what they thought of me, and I think mirrored their own insecurities onto me. They couldn’t do it. They wouldn’t do it. They would be wasting their time and money. I could have, had I been a stronger person. If I had learned to say no. If I had learned to stand taller, straighter and say, get the hell out of my head, i don’t need any naysayers. I can do whatever I damn well please, within reason. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but they all help to make up me. Who I am and who I will become. Being a life time learner means constant change and growth and never allowing oneself to become stagnant.

So if this poem isn’t a masterpiece, oh well. At least I tried my hand at it, and I didn’t give up. It was simple, and I did try my best and attempt at refining it in my clumsy way. Writing lifts me up to that higher place, where I can be at the mountaintops, where I can go to the moon in a rocket ship or sip coffee from a balcony in Sicily. I can do whatever I want when I am writing and it is nice to have some control when often in life your control is limited.

I am beyond caring about what people think of me but what matters to me is when I close my eyes, I know the person I am, and I care about what I think of me. Being true to myself and others and taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my life. That guy who was momentarily in my life also told me that the world was a dark and dreary place full of evil people and liars and that I wouldn’t stand a chance. I was too much of an idealist. My worldview wasn’t realistic.

I say I don’t want to live in that world, I would rather believe in a fantastical world than believe in his ugly dark world. Perceptions are part of reality and I choose to live in a brighter more beautiful world by choice. I choose to believe people are good at heart when I meet them. I choose to believe there is beauty truth and hope in the world. And, I believe I can attain perfection in a perfect moment at the perfect time. It is momentary, but when it happens you know, and it is the best feeling in the world. The striving is what counts. Keep striving, don’t give up. Knowing is half the battle, from GI Joe. Wisdom from a kid’s cartoon. But I have never forgotten it. Wisdom comes from everywhere.

 

 

 

Posted in Life

My life a Work in Progress– an Update

Posted on by jennrae

I have been posting some short fiction that is pretty rough, it literally is writing prompts and whatever pops in my head, unrefined as it is, it is getting some of the rust off, as I am attempting to rewrite my novel for the 10th time.

So, as far as life goes, all is going pretty well for me.I feel like I am in the best shape of my life, and am even toying with the idea of taking up running. I feel pretty motivated in general right now. I meditate on a regular basis just to feel less stressed and I think it is really working. I feel much better about myself and even feel like I am the gorgeous person I am and that I deserve it. In short, I feel damn good. Financially, still working on getting out of the pit of debt, student loans and the like, but I am finally in a career that I know will pay well, and it will provide me the long term security I need.

I am also going to treat my writing more like a second job. Daily writing, and I am going to try to enter contests see if I can’t get some stories published and in print while I work on re writing. I also eventually would like to do some traveling and maybe learning.

My son takes music lessons, and acting, and swimming again soon, and I feel like you are never too old to learn, you know? I would love voice lessons, maybe learn guitar, maybe learn another language. I have a smattering of French that I think would come back pretty quick if I had someone to talk to. I would also love to go on some hikes, maybe be a bit more adventure-ish. I feel like I have some time to make up for getting caught in the grind a bit too long. I had an unhealthy job for a couple years that drained me, and feel like I have finally got myself back from that abyss.

I finally feel in love with myself, like I don’t need someone else to validate me. I feel beautiful, smart, and sometimes, even funny. I have also embraced positivism to the point where I really enjoy it. If you can choose to live in the sunshine or the shade, wouldn’t you choose the sun? It isn’t always easy, sometimes when I have a mountain of work in front of me I get that split second thought of ‘oh crapola, why me?’ But, I consciously turn it around into ‘job security, yay! ‘

It takes work, but like most things that are worth doing, you get what you put into it.

 

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

To have a beginning there has to be an end…

Posted on by jennrae

It’s been a while since i made a blog post. Partly I just wasn’t feeling a good vibe for the last posts. They came off too preachy, and who am I really? I am just another soul on a journey experiencing highs, lows and everything in between. I know I don’t have all the answers, I am not even sure I have a few of them anymore. I am questioning things I took for granted. What is happiness? Is it attainable for the long term, or is it just a temporary satisfaction to be followed by a fall? Is it something I should search for, or should I be content to be healthy, and alive? Is that enough?

I really don’t know. I suppose I have to start with being me, and being happy with that and go from there. Work on improving my mind, and body, and soul. I thought I found someone that I could be partners with for the rest of my life. But I was wrong. I felt it, I was happy. It felt right to me, I trusted him, I believed in him. I wanted to cheer him on, I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on on hard days, and to be a person he could go to for anything. I wanted him to be happy, and to be himself with me. I wanted to give all this, because I felt I got all this from him. he had my back, and I had his. That’s what i thought I knew. I didn’t really get to know him, I knew the person he showed me, the person i thought loved me, and that I loved. In reality, he was unhappy, unfulfilled, going through the motions, taking it day by day, existing. Somewhere, somehow he figured out he didn’t want what we had anymore, and needed to leave. The thinking process, the things that led up to it, weren’t discussed with me. I was living a fairy tale, I had no idea the other shoe was about to crash on my head. I had no idea he didn’t want this. I thought, I assumed he was on my page.

Now I think maybe I was reading the wrong book, and I don’t know where to start. I have to redirect all this energy back to me and my son. I am on the start of a new journey, which is scary and exciting at the same time. In order to have a beginning, you must have an ending. It wasn’t the ending that I wanted, but then I am not the author of my own story. I have to deal with what is, not what I would like, or what could have been, or should have been. Reality is that he is gone, and won’t be back, i have to be here, and find the person who wants what I want. I am not there yet, first I have to find my place in the book, before I go seeking between the pages. but when I am ready, I know I will be better, stronger, and more determined for having gone through this. I can handle whatever is thrown my way, and bounce back twice as strong. This is a blip on the radar of life, a pebble in my shoe that has been removed. now, to keep on walking.

Posted in Life

OCD and is that grass really greener over there? or is that a big pile of dog poo?

Posted on by jennrae

Inspiration just hit me, so I felt compelled to write this down. In fact, this particular entry is about compulsion. I was thinking to myself, as I was attempting to fall asleep, how so manypeople, myself included, get caught up in the grass is greener syndrome. I should totally make a post completely devoted to that concept. But instead of doing that, my brain went on a tangent. ( You will notice that this will happen often.)

I recalled an instance from a book I read years ago. I believe it was Xenocide by Orson Scott Card, part of his Ender cycle, for people that are his fans. (I kinda like him despite him being anti coffee and all, yet another idea for another post!) In this particular book, unless I am getting it mixed up with another book, there is an OCD girl, on a planet of OCD people, where being OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is considered close to divinity, that traces the pattern on the floor over and over.  And, she teaches herself to do this, over years. At first it isn’t naturally occurring OCD, it is something that she forces herself to get in the habit of doing, but eventually it becomes a hardwired habit. Somewhere down the line, it’s been years since I read this book so I don’t really remember exactly, but, the problem that caused the people to be OCD is reversed, and the girl’s father is trying to get her to stop tracing the floor, because she should be cured. And, she won’t stop.

Okay, you are saying, that’s an odd tangent, but I’m not sure what your point is, or how this ties into the whole grass is greener idea?

Well, basically, this illustrates how you can get so used to doing the same thing over and over, to the point that even when you should be “cured”, you’re not, because you have trained yourself to do this, and it makes it hard to stop, and you may not even want to, because you are so used to the routine. As far as the grass is greener, I have been on both sides of that fence, and I can tell you, to quote Soundgarden, “the grass is greener where the dogs have been sh***ing.”  Basically, there is a cost to everything. Nothing is completely free. But you get so used to jumping the fence, that even if you know the grass isn’t greener over there, or that it might be filled with dog poo, you jump anyway like a tiger through a flaming hulu hoop at the circus. Only, in your case, or in my case, I am the one holding the whip, and jumping through the fire.  So, to make a long story a little bit longer, it’s time to stop tracing that floor and start doing something more constructive!

Thoughts? Did any of this make any sense at all?