Category: Uncategorized

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

It isn’t over til it’s over…or why giving up isn’t as easy as it sounds

Posted on by jennrae

I’m sitting in the coffee shop right now thinking and being all existential-like. Life has meaning, I believe this. If  I have faith in anything, it is that things happen for a reason whether we understand the reason or not. If you were to die tomorrow, and see the events of your life, would you be proud of the life you lived? Or would you be filled with regret?

Right now, I look back and feel that I have done a lot of self discovery but still not accomplished much. If I died tomorrow, I would feel like I let myself down in some ways. I didn’t try hard enough to publish my novel, didn’t get my degree, never got to see the world. But, on the other hand, I did have a beautiful son, I had several good love stories with beautiful moments. I know there are people who would miss me everyday. I treasure these memories, and I know that my time on earth hasn’t been a waste. Every experience helps shape who you are and what you will become. Every person you meet impacts you, and affects you.

It is never truly over. Life is a cycle, and even if someone leaves your life, they will come back, perhaps not in the same form, maybe not to fill the same role. But they aren’t gone. They live on in your thoughts, dreams, and wishes.

Giving up on a future, or a dream of where you thought it was all going is so very hard because you felt so sure, so certain of the destination. But, like the cliche says, the “even the best laid plans go awry.”

Nothing worth doing is easy, and giving up on a dream isn’t either. But the fantasy of being with someone isn’t the same as the dream of writing a novel, of getting a master’s degree, of seeing your child get a master’s degree. The dream of being with someone isn’t something you can make happen. It takes the other person to be in the same dream. When two people are living two separate dreams it cannot work.  And, living in a dream world will prevent you from accomplishing things in life, and increase the chance of looking back with regrets. Regret is wasted energy. The past is gone, it isn’t coming back.

I will always look back in the year I had with fondness, without regret. It was beautiful, and I know that next year will be as well. It will  be different, but that can be good. Part of life is change, and how we deal with change. So, live life, sometimes living means giving up on one dream so you can live another. The future is always hopeful, the past is always finished. The present moment is where we find the most joy, and the most lasting fulfillment, so use your time wisely. Enjoy the moments while you have them, nothing lasts forever.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Life is Good, or Life is What You Make it

Posted on by jennrae

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading about things like making decisions, how to move on, and how to be happy with how things are. Trying to think positive, and accept things as they are, not how I would like them to be, or how I wish they were. Reality is reality. And, reality isn’t that bad. Life is actually good. It is easy to get trapped into seeing the negative things, and overlook the positive. Even things like having a loved one leave your life abruptly, can actually bring good things into your life.

For me, it has been hard to stay optimistic. There are mornings where I wish I could magically get my old life back. I was happy, content. I really felt good, and didn’t desire more. But, it was perhaps my lack of wanting more that made it stale for the other person. I guess I will never know, and knowing that answer won’t change anything anyway. But, then I realize that the leaving was a catalyst for a lot of things I may not have started doing. Going back to school, starting an exercise regimen, writing more, even feeling flirtatious, and being able to spend time doing other things. Like quality time with my son, or even trying to set up a date, or just going out for the sake of going out. I don’t have to worry about entertaining someone else, or cooking for someone else, except my son and all he wants is mac and cheese or pancakes. It opened a lot of freedom for me, and is forcing me to look into my life and improve it.

The trick is to not get stuck in the past, or the woulda coulda shoulda’s. And I have to fight that every day. It is difficult to accept that someone can love you one day, and leave you the next. You feel like that happens when you do something wrong, for example:  lie, cheat, be disrespectful. You don’t prepare yourself for them just deciding it isn’t a good fit for them. You aren’t a shoe, or a sweater. You are a person. If they loved you, they would try everything in their power to make it work right? Not necessarily. And you will never know what’s going on in their head, and you will never know why. And the really great news is….you don’t need to. Because it doesn’t matter. What matters is you know that you tried, that you gave it your all. That you didn’t give up on them. That you treated them right, and that you deserve better. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

To have a beginning there has to be an end…

Posted on by jennrae

It’s been a while since i made a blog post. Partly I just wasn’t feeling a good vibe for the last posts. They came off too preachy, and who am I really? I am just another soul on a journey experiencing highs, lows and everything in between. I know I don’t have all the answers, I am not even sure I have a few of them anymore. I am questioning things I took for granted. What is happiness? Is it attainable for the long term, or is it just a temporary satisfaction to be followed by a fall? Is it something I should search for, or should I be content to be healthy, and alive? Is that enough?

I really don’t know. I suppose I have to start with being me, and being happy with that and go from there. Work on improving my mind, and body, and soul. I thought I found someone that I could be partners with for the rest of my life. But I was wrong. I felt it, I was happy. It felt right to me, I trusted him, I believed in him. I wanted to cheer him on, I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on on hard days, and to be a person he could go to for anything. I wanted him to be happy, and to be himself with me. I wanted to give all this, because I felt I got all this from him. he had my back, and I had his. That’s what i thought I knew. I didn’t really get to know him, I knew the person he showed me, the person i thought loved me, and that I loved. In reality, he was unhappy, unfulfilled, going through the motions, taking it day by day, existing. Somewhere, somehow he figured out he didn’t want what we had anymore, and needed to leave. The thinking process, the things that led up to it, weren’t discussed with me. I was living a fairy tale, I had no idea the other shoe was about to crash on my head. I had no idea he didn’t want this. I thought, I assumed he was on my page.

Now I think maybe I was reading the wrong book, and I don’t know where to start. I have to redirect all this energy back to me and my son. I am on the start of a new journey, which is scary and exciting at the same time. In order to have a beginning, you must have an ending. It wasn’t the ending that I wanted, but then I am not the author of my own story. I have to deal with what is, not what I would like, or what could have been, or should have been. Reality is that he is gone, and won’t be back, i have to be here, and find the person who wants what I want. I am not there yet, first I have to find my place in the book, before I go seeking between the pages. but when I am ready, I know I will be better, stronger, and more determined for having gone through this. I can handle whatever is thrown my way, and bounce back twice as strong. This is a blip on the radar of life, a pebble in my shoe that has been removed. now, to keep on walking.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

What My Toddler Taught Me the Other Day…

Posted on by jennrae

I have been experimenting with my webcam, as my Facebook friends are well aware, and I was going to upload an intro video for here, but ran into the whole, uh, no you can’t do that without paying money thing. So, I won’t be doing that after all, and I was kinda looking forward to it. I guess for this entry, I will be touching on disappointment. Because I was disappointed that I couldn’t upload a video, but also, I have been running into a lot of things that could be disappointing, or have been disappointing, but, you can choose to not let it get you down.

For example, last night I had some good quality time with the family, and my young son was in a bad mood, he had missed his nap and he is only two years old. Soon, my mom was grumpy, then I was grumpy, then my dad, then my brothers, and pretty soon it was kinda tense.  It illustrated to me, how negative emotions, feelings can spread, from one person to the next. It was kinda amazing looking back, when I wasn’t in the cloud anymore, and realizing it all started with my son being grumpy. Of course, the situation got so tense, that we started making jokes, changing the subject, and eventually the tension was relieved, and later, even, my son was in a great mood, very happy. and we were all smiling, and laughing. Positive emotions are also infectious.  It’s nice to know it works both ways.

However, why am I telling you all this? This wasn’t disappointing? Well, I was disappointed in myself, for allowing myself to be drawn into the negativity, for slipping into snappiness, for being a part of the problem. I have been so happy lately, I thought nothing could bring me down. And, this just awakened in me the realization that contentment is fragile. That you can get drawn into the chaos, and you have to take a moment, and try to step back from the situation. Don’t let it escalate, don’t become a part of the problem. I realized this later, although at the time, I did make a conscious choice to stop contributing, and I am glad that I had the sense to do that.

The real disappointment came later, my son seemed to be ready to go. He willingly got his coat and shoes on, said something about a field trip. I just kinda said, yeah, sure, why not. I had no idea that he thought we were actually going on a  field trip at 8pm. Needless to say, when we pulled into our parking spot, he flipped out on me, refused to leave the car, and cried, “FIELD TRIPPPPPP!!!!!” I was completely taken aback. I had no idea he thought we were going someplace, when I thought he was on my page, that it was time to go home. I eventually hauled him upstairs, pointed out that the stars were out, and that it was too late for a field trip, and that we could go on one tomorrow. He wasn’t mollified by this.  Eventually, I waited it out, and he took off his coat, and let me rock him in the rocking chair, until he fell asleep. He was disappointed and he handled it like a typical toddler, by throwing a tantrum. As adults, we can’t handle it this way, and still be  considered as  functional in society. We have to swallow it, or confess it, or bury it, or deal with it. Dealing with it, is usually the best way, although it can be the most unpleasant at the time.

I guess my point is, no matter what you are kicking yourself in the behind about, you can always go on that field trip tomorrow, there is always hope, there is always another try.  If you are disappointed, don’t let it ruin things, know that as long as you are breathing and able, there is always a chance it will work out down the line. Sometimes, timing is everything, and sometimes, we get caught up in our own cloud of negativity, and it is hard to see that you are in it until you are out.