Posted in Life

OCD and is that grass really greener over there? or is that a big pile of dog poo?

Inspiration just hit me, so I felt compelled to write this down. In fact, this particular entry is about compulsion. I was thinking to myself, as I was attempting to fall asleep, how so manypeople, myself included, get caught up in the grass is greener syndrome. I should totally make a post completely devoted to that concept. But instead of doing that, my brain went on a tangent. ( You will notice that this will happen often.)

I recalled an instance from a book I read years ago. I believe it was Xenocide by Orson Scott Card, part of his Ender cycle, for people that are his fans. (I kinda like him despite him being anti coffee and all, yet another idea for another post!) In this particular book, unless I am getting it mixed up with another book, there is an OCD girl, on a planet of OCD people, where being OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is considered close to divinity, that traces the pattern on the floor over and over.  And, she teaches herself to do this, over years. At first it isn’t naturally occurring OCD, it is something that she forces herself to get in the habit of doing, but eventually it becomes a hardwired habit. Somewhere down the line, it’s been years since I read this book so I don’t really remember exactly, but, the problem that caused the people to be OCD is reversed, and the girl’s father is trying to get her to stop tracing the floor, because she should be cured. And, she won’t stop.

Okay, you are saying, that’s an odd tangent, but I’m not sure what your point is, or how this ties into the whole grass is greener idea?

Well, basically, this illustrates how you can get so used to doing the same thing over and over, to the point that even when you should be “cured”, you’re not, because you have trained yourself to do this, and it makes it hard to stop, and you may not even want to, because you are so used to the routine. As far as the grass is greener, I have been on both sides of that fence, and I can tell you, to quote Soundgarden, “the grass is greener where the dogs have been sh***ing.”  Basically, there is a cost to everything. Nothing is completely free. But you get so used to jumping the fence, that even if you know the grass isn’t greener over there, or that it might be filled with dog poo, you jump anyway like a tiger through a flaming hulu hoop at the circus. Only, in your case, or in my case, I am the one holding the whip, and jumping through the fire.  So, to make a long story a little bit longer, it’s time to stop tracing that floor and start doing something more constructive!

Thoughts? Did any of this make any sense at all?

Posted in Life

Welcome to my life…what I am willing to share anyway :)

in jail

The past few years I have begun to realize sometimes my life reads like a badly written soap opera. Very badly written, as cliche as they come. Minus the evil twins and plane crashes and people thought to be dead reentering the small town I dwell in. (Although, that last part might make for a good story, hmm…)

Sometimes I have felt trapped, always seeming like if I am getting anywhere, magically I end up back at square one. I have started to realize that what I consider important in life, really important, doesn’t revolve around success, or a college degree, or even lots of money. I would just simply like to find true love, and meet the man of my dreams, and live happily ever after, into the sunset, Oh wait, did I say something about things being cliche? Oops. Okay, maybe I would be willing to settle for a good guy who is willing to love me back, forget the riding into the sunset nonsense, as I think I am old and wise enough to know that things are cyclical. Nothing stops at happily ever after, things go up and down until you die, or as many believe, even after you die. I could speculate on life after death, but, I think I will save that for another day. As, the only way to verify that conjecture, well, would be to have a near death experience, and while it might tentatively be on the to-do list, it certainly isn’t something I wish to experience anytime soon. …

Okay, end of that tangent. The reason love is on my mind is because I am trying to fall out of love, and it is harder than it sounds.  It is hard to explain, but sometimes when you can’t have something, that is the only thing you want. Or if you are told, now don’t tell so and so about the ending of that M. Night Shyamalan movie…and, you do. Because now it is on your mind. and you know you were told not to tell, but somehow it slips out, because you were told not to tell? Does that make sense?

So, knowing that it didn’t work out, and it is over, is one thing, but giving up the feelings, nearly impossible. If I stay away, and don’t talk to him, message him, text him, call him, find a sad excuse to contact him in any way, shape or form, I will get over it. It is just the hardest thing to do right now, because I know, I need to do it.  *sigh*