‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us’ —
J.R.R. Tolkein, excerpt from Fellowship of the Ring
Tag: life
The past is a script we are constantly rewriting.
Michael Moorcock
‘Tis The Season–Or Another Update…
Life is now getting kinda hectic with work getting heavier and heavier. Just checking in so that you all know that I am breathing and writing the new novel. Have actually written over a dozen pages and have more mapped out. Still trying to decide on a couple different endings. One is bittersweet and the other perhaps a trifle ambiguous. And, then there is the third more saccharine sweet option, but unless the characters pull me in an unusual direction it won’t be that one. I rarely do sweet.
Maybe because sweet doesn’t feel real to me. My actual experiences may have started off sweet but they rarely end so. Endings that I enjoy writing and reading are the ones that make you stop and go hmm. They make you think or question yourself, maybe teach you something new or make you look at something in a different light. I also love the ones that make you cry or laugh. The ones that tug at the heart strings. Simple and sweet just doesn’t normally make the cut, but maybe I will take pity on my heroine and give her some love for once.
There’s enough death and destruction in the real world, do I really need to punish my fictional people with it too? Like my other novel, I find I have a plan to follow but the passion takes me in new directions making me question some of the planned ideas. The end result will be a mix between the two as I am determined not to let this one derail. I have some handwritten notes to type up and some decisions to be made and I have to write around work and the kid, so, it will be slow going but I will get there. Thanks to all for the support. I hope you are all writing well and had more success at NaNoWriMo than I did.
I will be returning in January for a profile on J.R.R. Tolkein. I will post a short post around the 18th or try to, to say happy birthday to Michael Moorcock, another of my fantasy finds a la thrift store. I will also do a post around the 16th, I may make them the same post, for Philip K Dick. One of my favorite sci-fi authors, I will probably touch on Blade Runner, and Total Recall as they were based on his short stories, as well as Minority Report.
January birthdays that I will cover also include Edgar Allen Poe on the 19th, and Philip Jose Farmer on the 26th. Both pioneers, one in horror/suspense, the other in sci-fi. Whew, going to be a busy couple of months! Happy Holidays to any that pass this way, and good fortune to you and your loved ones! *hugs* JenRae.
Giving Thanks
As I recover from over eating and begin to think about this holiday of Thanksgiving, which was made a national holiday by Abraham Lincoln in an attempt to heal a fractured nation, I ask did it work? I’m not sure, but I do like the essence of this holiday regardless.
I believe gratitude is important and giving thanks is one way of expressing gratitude which I try to do for at least a few minutes each day. I think it is very important to stop and take stock of what you have, why you have it, and to remind ourselves that we are blessed.
That no matter how little material things you may have, the fact that you can read this, that you most likely have electricity and access to the internet, that hopefully you had food in your belly and water to drink is in fact something wondrous. Something as simple as being able to breathe can be taken for granted, but it is something we unconsciously do thousands and thousands of times each day.
Even if we are more privileged than this basic level, if we have a job, and an income, a vehicle or the ability to support a family, that is significant. There is someone out there who wishes they could do this or had that, that is just a dream of theirs but a reality for some. Others are even more blessed and have a surplus income and what seems like a dream life.
Whether they are happy or not only they can know. I do not have this blessing. Sometimes I wish I had more money because I feel the stress of paycheck to paycheck survival and no matter if I get a raise or a windfall, something seems to always happen where these reserves are suddenly needed and therefore need to be used up.
Life does have a funny way of working out, and I truly believe if you practice gratitude every day you are less likely to take your life for granted, are more likely to appreciate what you have, and are more likely to be happy with your life because you know how lucky you are, or how things could always be worse.
We are all survivors of our own maze which is customized specifically for our trials and tribulations. One person’s journey will not be like another’s, so even if someone lives in a mansion and seems happily married and seems to have everything going for them, it is important to know you do not know their journey, you can’t know what they are going through or where they came from or where they will be in the future. Someone that is begging on the streets may actually be happier and appreciate the sandwich in their hand at that very moment from a kind stranger, whereas the person in the mansion could be a prisoner of a debilitating depression.
I believe true wisdom comes from learning from our mistakes and withholding judgment. Knowing our own journey, and being the best we can be every day. Doing the right thing even if it isn’t the easy thing, and always thinking of the consequences of our actions and who they might effect and how. But withholding judgment of another’s actions while we refocus on our own.
So what am I grateful for? I am grateful for a family that loves me even when I make a poor choice. They may berate me or roll their eyes, but I know when I am broken down someplace they will answer their phones and help me out in a moment’s notice. Not everyone has that.
I am grateful for a healthy, wonderful ,smart son, even though he can be a challenge but there are some who have not been as lucky. I am blessed that he is healthy. I can only imagine the pain of parents who aren’t as fortunate.
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head with heat and light, a working fridge and food to eat, water to drink, a working car, a decent job, and the ability to write words. And an audience willing to read these words.
I am grateful for my health, for still feeling young at heart, for being able to still love and be loved. I know I am capable of it and able to accept it which is something. I have not been hardened or jaded by the past. Not everyone can say that. I am alive. Every day is a gift. I will try harder not to waste this gift because it is precious and not something which can be replaced.
*Hugs to all. And Happy Thanksgiving!*
What would you tell your younger self?
Writers Prompt.What would I tell my younger self?
This one is easy. Don’t be stupid. Think before you act. Don’t stay with an a hole. Don’t let an a hole move in with you. Don’t be distracted by a holes. Don’t marry Dave. He’s immature and will spend all his money at Shari’s restaurant. Always.
Finish a degree…accounting communications. Just stick with it til it’s done. See: don’t be distracted. Don’t leave a nice guy for an a hole.
Believe in yourself. Don’t do anything against your values to seem edgy or cool to others. It never ends well and it never works. Be you. Stay strong. Don’t be an a hole. You’re better than that. 🙂
Restarting, Renewal, and Birthdays
So it is that time of year again. I seem to always do a new year’s post, and a birthday post. New Years is a time for starting fresh, setting goals and starting over, birthdays for me are also a time of change, of realizing that time has past me by, that another year is on its way out, and around my birthday I usually will do something drastic to my hair, or get some clothes that are different, maybe even try some new music. It is a time to rediscover me.
I did the hair cut, and It is a bit subtle, for a birthday haircut, but it looks nice. That day I felt and looked like a million bucks. But now I’ve come down to earth and still feel a little bit empty.
When you are a kid you can’t wait to grow up. Each birthday is a milestone an age where you can do more, be more. Somewhere after 25 this stops. Sure, you can rent a car but that isn’t that exciting is it? And then you turn 26, and you get what? nothing. You turn 30, you get, well to be 30. Hopefully, you are in some sort of career path so you can accomplish some financial goals or start paying off school debt. Or maybe you are getting into more debt trying to find your path still.
Past 35 and I see the white hairs. I feel tired in the morning. I just feel older. I can’t pull an all nighter like I used to. I can actually hurt myself and it takes time to recover.
I am trying to be my sunny optimistic self. I probably shouldn’t blog when I feel a little meh. Things aren’t bad. I am honestly in great health. I am writing on a regular basis, upgraded this blog.Things have been going up not down.
I guess if I had to put my finger on why I’m feeling meh I could have some guesses. I spend a lot of time alone or with my son, and I tend to overthink, and birthdays do remind you of your own mortality. I mean I felt like I was in my twenties yesterday, and now 40 isn’t that far off. I am turning 38 to be precise in exactly a week. I would like to celebrate but I am not sure what I am celebrating? Life so far? That I am getting older? That I still feel like things are a struggle personally and financially?
I get up most mornings feeling like I can conquer the world. Feeling like I can not only do this, I can own this. But by the end of the day I feel like my energy has been siphoned off and it is harder to be motivated. I feel frustrated. I should be grateful and happy with what I have but I always seem to hope for more and that is the recipe for unhappiness. Just like expecting things to go a certain way also adds frustration and stress.
I need to relearn to be happy with me. As I am right now. I am on a journey of self improvement and I am a work in progress. But right now in this moment, I am me and I am pretty damn good. I need to learn to love and accept myself with all my flaws before I can truly be happy and that has been a struggle as it is for people who were bullied as children.
It is just harder to trust your own judgment. You have to stop negative thoughts as they appear and stamp them out. It can be tiring. And, year after year, I still have to refocus on the positive things. The blessings of everyday life that are there to be cherished. Every day might not be sunshine and rainbows but neither is it raining.
What I Used to Be..
This last writing prompt was hard because I have never really tried my hand at poetry. And there is something inherently intimidating about trying your hand at something you haven’t done before. I have always handicapped myself unnecessarily with wondering whether I am good enough or not, whether I should bother trying or not. If I can’t attain perfection what’s the point?
But then I remind myself it isn’t always about the destination but the journey, I know how cliche, but it is how we learn and grow, how we become the people we are in this moment. I remember signing up for college at UW Tacoma to get my Bachelor’s in Communications. I failed, I let life distract me and get in the way of my goals. I had this dream of becoming an editor maybe even going to Manhattan, publisher’s row as they call it. I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she telling me I was wasting everyone’s time and money. I should give up, I won’t get the degree. To this day I am sorry I didn’t prove her wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t have it in me. It was I got lost along the way. I got wrapped up in the unnecessary drama of life.
I let someone force their way into my life and home and completely destroy me. He also told me I was worthless, a piece of garbage and undeserving of life, an utter failure. I think we do internalize what others say, especially if it mimics our insecurities as this did at the time. I was depressed I know now, and that’s why my grades slipped and I eventually dropped out with nothing to show for it except a mountain of student debt.
But, my mom, this guy, they were wrong about me. I was wrong about me. I know this now. They didn’t really know me, they knew what they thought of me, and I think mirrored their own insecurities onto me. They couldn’t do it. They wouldn’t do it. They would be wasting their time and money. I could have, had I been a stronger person. If I had learned to say no. If I had learned to stand taller, straighter and say, get the hell out of my head, i don’t need any naysayers. I can do whatever I damn well please, within reason. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but they all help to make up me. Who I am and who I will become. Being a life time learner means constant change and growth and never allowing oneself to become stagnant.
So if this poem isn’t a masterpiece, oh well. At least I tried my hand at it, and I didn’t give up. It was simple, and I did try my best and attempt at refining it in my clumsy way. Writing lifts me up to that higher place, where I can be at the mountaintops, where I can go to the moon in a rocket ship or sip coffee from a balcony in Sicily. I can do whatever I want when I am writing and it is nice to have some control when often in life your control is limited.
I am beyond caring about what people think of me but what matters to me is when I close my eyes, I know the person I am, and I care about what I think of me. Being true to myself and others and taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my life. That guy who was momentarily in my life also told me that the world was a dark and dreary place full of evil people and liars and that I wouldn’t stand a chance. I was too much of an idealist. My worldview wasn’t realistic.
I say I don’t want to live in that world, I would rather believe in a fantastical world than believe in his ugly dark world. Perceptions are part of reality and I choose to live in a brighter more beautiful world by choice. I choose to believe people are good at heart when I meet them. I choose to believe there is beauty truth and hope in the world. And, I believe I can attain perfection in a perfect moment at the perfect time. It is momentary, but when it happens you know, and it is the best feeling in the world. The striving is what counts. Keep striving, don’t give up. Knowing is half the battle, from GI Joe. Wisdom from a kid’s cartoon. But I have never forgotten it. Wisdom comes from everywhere.
Writing prompt 6, a poem (ps im not a poet)
Alphabet Poem
Write a 26-line poem using all the letters of the alphabet. Have the first line start with the
letter “A,” the second “B,” the third “C,” etc.
Admiring the view of the sunrise, red star in bloom
Basking in the sunshine and rays of love caressing the skin
Casually examining the mountains reaching for the heavens with icy fingers
Dealing with the absence of a lover feeling the love of the freedom that comes with distance
Effortless beauty of blue skies and blue eyes
Finishing a cup of coffee slowly savoring the bitter taste of being alive
Gazing at the mountain tops examining the white tops of forever
Higher than the tallest trees but oh so far away from me
If only they were nearer I could climb higher and lift myself to a higher place
Journey of the mind’s eye into a paradise where sun meets moon and dances the night away
Knocking on heaven’s door and waiting to be let in
Leaving too soon and back to earth in a rocket ship of my own making
Moon in full glory shining down upon me but oh where has my sunshine gone?
Nowhere and no one to witness this pain of separation of something so simple and true
Only one view at a time cannot have heaven and hell on earth, only one rocket to the moon
Passionately awaiting the sun with its rays of warmth to fill my cold heart
Questioning existence and the point of it all, what if this is all there is?
Reveling in the aroma of coffee mixed with flowers blooming and the endless possibilities of an unwritten future
Striving for equilibrium and security but yearning for passionate adventure
True to ourselves first, others second place which will finish first?
Universal abundance and glory can be had in dreams easily enough
Vitality like sunshine and moonbeams combined to fill my being with true love and eternal hope
Wonder at the beauty of the world and how I could be a part of it all, one piece of a million to make up a whole dream
Existence based on love and loving others while being true to the self
Yelling at society and the rules imposed on the unwilling, individuals over the group can feel the world instead of suppression
Zealous in adventure and life and living and doing and being the sun and the moon
My life a Work in Progress– an Update
I have been posting some short fiction that is pretty rough, it literally is writing prompts and whatever pops in my head, unrefined as it is, it is getting some of the rust off, as I am attempting to rewrite my novel for the 10th time.
So, as far as life goes, all is going pretty well for me.I feel like I am in the best shape of my life, and am even toying with the idea of taking up running. I feel pretty motivated in general right now. I meditate on a regular basis just to feel less stressed and I think it is really working. I feel much better about myself and even feel like I am the gorgeous person I am and that I deserve it. In short, I feel damn good. Financially, still working on getting out of the pit of debt, student loans and the like, but I am finally in a career that I know will pay well, and it will provide me the long term security I need.
I am also going to treat my writing more like a second job. Daily writing, and I am going to try to enter contests see if I can’t get some stories published and in print while I work on re writing. I also eventually would like to do some traveling and maybe learning.
My son takes music lessons, and acting, and swimming again soon, and I feel like you are never too old to learn, you know? I would love voice lessons, maybe learn guitar, maybe learn another language. I have a smattering of French that I think would come back pretty quick if I had someone to talk to. I would also love to go on some hikes, maybe be a bit more adventure-ish. I feel like I have some time to make up for getting caught in the grind a bit too long. I had an unhealthy job for a couple years that drained me, and feel like I have finally got myself back from that abyss.
I finally feel in love with myself, like I don’t need someone else to validate me. I feel beautiful, smart, and sometimes, even funny. I have also embraced positivism to the point where I really enjoy it. If you can choose to live in the sunshine or the shade, wouldn’t you choose the sun? It isn’t always easy, sometimes when I have a mountain of work in front of me I get that split second thought of ‘oh crapola, why me?’ But, I consciously turn it around into ‘job security, yay! ‘
It takes work, but like most things that are worth doing, you get what you put into it.
I am still Among the Living…
Just wanted to reassure any passersby that I am still around, still kicking, still thinking, writing, and living.
Been internalizing some thoughts, and just taking things day by day. Sometimes it is easy to get caught into the routine of things and I have to make myself stop and think about where I am at, and where I want to go. Figure out what I need to do to get where I would like to be. And now my son factors into any decision short or long-term that I make, because it directly impacts him in many ways. I need to look beyond myself and what I want, and think about the future and what I want for him.
Sometimes life gets complicated, and sometimes things are really simpler than they seem, or don’t have to be as complicated as they are. I think sometimes we can choose to be happy, and choose to be unhappy. I think taking a moment and being grateful for what we have is important, and I know I need to be reminded to do that now and again.
I am grateful for my health, that I have a job, that I have a roof over my head, that I have a family who loves me, and will be there for me if needed, and for my son, who is a treasure. I am grateful for his health, and the health of my brothers and my parents, and that we are all safe from harm and are lucky to be citizens of the US and live in prosperity. We may not be wealthy, I certainly am not, but we are fortunate to live in a place where for the most part, is safe and sound. Most of my chaos is internal. I can say that I will probably live to see tomorrow, and the next day. That short of a freak occurence, most people I know will be safe and around.
Unfortunately, there have been some occurences in recent times, in my small area, of murders. And it just illustrates to me that we can never be one hundred percent sure of anything. I live in a safer place than some, but anything can happen anywhere. So, be grateful for what you have right now. And love life, because this is the moment. Right now, right here. I do not know what happens after we die, but there may not be a do over. So, don’t live in the past, don’t live in regret, look forward to the future, and plan for now. I know that is what I plan on doing. Although the best laid plans can and will go awry, the best plans also plan for such things. 🙂
The Infamous Jennisfora Strikes Again...or something like that 