Tag: life

Posted in Fiction, Uncategorized, Writing

Writing prompt 6, a poem (ps im not a poet)

Posted on by jennrae

Alphabet Poem

Write a 26-line poem using all the letters of the alphabet. Have the first line start with the

letter “A,” the second “B,” the third “C,” etc.

 

Admiring the view of the sunrise, red star in bloom

Basking in the sunshine and rays of love caressing the skin

Casually examining the mountains reaching for the heavens with icy fingers

Dealing with the absence of a lover feeling the love of the freedom that comes with distance

Effortless beauty of blue skies and blue eyes

Finishing a cup of coffee slowly savoring the bitter taste of being alive

Gazing at the mountain tops examining the white tops of forever

Higher than the tallest trees but oh so far away from me

If only they were nearer I could climb higher and lift myself to a higher place

Journey of the mind’s eye into a paradise where sun meets moon and dances the night away

Knocking on heaven’s door and waiting to be let in

Leaving too soon and back to earth in a rocket ship of my own making

Moon in full glory shining down upon me but oh where has my sunshine gone?

Nowhere and no one to witness this pain of separation of something so simple and true

Only one view at a time cannot have heaven and hell on earth, only one rocket to the moon

Passionately awaiting the sun with its rays of warmth to fill my cold heart

Questioning existence and the point of it all, what if this is all there is?

Reveling in the aroma of coffee mixed with flowers blooming and the endless possibilities of an unwritten future

Striving for equilibrium and security but yearning for passionate adventure

True to ourselves first, others second place which will finish first?

Universal abundance and glory can be had in dreams easily enough

Vitality like sunshine and moonbeams combined to fill my being with true love and eternal hope

Wonder at the beauty of the world and how I could be a part of it all, one piece of a million to make up a whole dream

Existence based on love and loving others while being true to the self

Yelling at society and the rules imposed on the unwilling, individuals over the group can feel the world instead of suppression

Zealous in adventure and life and living and doing and being the sun and the moon

 

 

Posted in Life

My life a Work in Progress– an Update

Posted on by jennrae

I have been posting some short fiction that is pretty rough, it literally is writing prompts and whatever pops in my head, unrefined as it is, it is getting some of the rust off, as I am attempting to rewrite my novel for the 10th time.

So, as far as life goes, all is going pretty well for me.I feel like I am in the best shape of my life, and am even toying with the idea of taking up running. I feel pretty motivated in general right now. I meditate on a regular basis just to feel less stressed and I think it is really working. I feel much better about myself and even feel like I am the gorgeous person I am and that I deserve it. In short, I feel damn good. Financially, still working on getting out of the pit of debt, student loans and the like, but I am finally in a career that I know will pay well, and it will provide me the long term security I need.

I am also going to treat my writing more like a second job. Daily writing, and I am going to try to enter contests see if I can’t get some stories published and in print while I work on re writing. I also eventually would like to do some traveling and maybe learning.

My son takes music lessons, and acting, and swimming again soon, and I feel like you are never too old to learn, you know? I would love voice lessons, maybe learn guitar, maybe learn another language. I have a smattering of French that I think would come back pretty quick if I had someone to talk to. I would also love to go on some hikes, maybe be a bit more adventure-ish. I feel like I have some time to make up for getting caught in the grind a bit too long. I had an unhealthy job for a couple years that drained me, and feel like I have finally got myself back from that abyss.

I finally feel in love with myself, like I don’t need someone else to validate me. I feel beautiful, smart, and sometimes, even funny. I have also embraced positivism to the point where I really enjoy it. If you can choose to live in the sunshine or the shade, wouldn’t you choose the sun? It isn’t always easy, sometimes when I have a mountain of work in front of me I get that split second thought of ‘oh crapola, why me?’ But, I consciously turn it around into ‘job security, yay! ‘

It takes work, but like most things that are worth doing, you get what you put into it.

 

Posted in Life

I am still Among the Living…

Posted on by jennrae

Just wanted to reassure any passersby that I am still around, still kicking, still thinking, writing, and living.

Been internalizing some thoughts, and just taking things day by day. Sometimes it is easy to get caught into the routine of things and I have to make myself stop and think about where I am at, and where I want to go. Figure out what I need to do to get where I would like to be. And now my son factors into any decision short or long-term that I make, because it directly impacts him in many ways. I need to look beyond myself and what I want, and think about the future and what I want for him.

Sometimes life gets complicated, and sometimes things are really simpler than they seem, or don’t have to be as complicated as they are. I think sometimes we can choose to be happy, and choose to be unhappy. I think taking a moment and being grateful for what we have is important, and  I know I need to be reminded to do that now and again.

I am grateful for my health, that I have a job, that I have a roof over my head, that I have a family who loves me, and will be there for me if needed, and for my son, who is a treasure. I am grateful for his health, and the health of my brothers and my parents, and that we are all safe from harm and are lucky to be citizens of the US and live in prosperity. We may not be wealthy, I certainly am not, but we are fortunate to live in a place where for the most part, is safe and sound. Most of my chaos is internal. I can say that I will probably live to see tomorrow, and the next day. That short of a freak occurence, most people I know will be safe and around.

Unfortunately, there have been some occurences in recent times, in my small area, of murders. And it just illustrates to me that we can never be one hundred percent sure of anything. I live in a safer place than some, but anything can happen anywhere. So, be grateful for what you have right now. And love life, because this is the moment. Right now, right here. I do not know what happens after we die, but there may not be a do over. So, don’t live in the past, don’t live in regret, look forward to the future, and plan for now.  I know that is what I plan on doing. Although the best laid plans can and will go awry, the best plans also plan for such things. 🙂

Posted in Uncategorized

We’ll Get There When We Get There…or Why Patience is Everything

Posted on by jennrae

Because I love using cliches as examples because most of them many of us have heard some time or another, here goes another one: Patience is a Virtue. I have heard that one as a kid, and have used it on my kid numerous times. Not sure I ever fully learn the lesson, but saying it seems to help.

None of us likes to wait for anything. Waiting in the grocery store, the bank, drugstore, post office, in traffic. We all end up in the “waiting place.” Like the waiting place in the Dr. Seuss book of wisdom, “Oh the Places You’ll Go,” we all end up sometimes waiting to get unstuck. Like the book says, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for our time to come, moment to shine, just waiting for something to happen.

Patience is more than waiting. Patience is being able to bide your time constructively. It isn’t waiting. It is being content with things as they are right now. It is taking the moment to breathe and think to yourself, “Man, I hate waiting to pick up my prescription, but the sun is shining outside, and I don’t have a terminal illness. I will eventually reach the front of the line and pay the money and get my pills and be on my way.”

Patience is acceptance. Patience is realizing that right now things are out of your control. That getting emotional will not solve anything, and will not make you reach your objective faster. Look for opportunities instead of problems. Waiting in line at the grocery store? Maybe the person in front of you is also bored and would welcome a conversation. Take the time to look at the tabloids and realize how silly they are. Think about all the things you are grateful for in your life, and what your life would be like if you couldn’t afford groceries.

The moral of the story is don’t waste your time, use your time wisely, but accept when you are temporarily out of control and use that mental energy to look within instead of lashing out. Remember, there is no fire. Sometimes good things do come for those who are willing to wait, as long as they are also being constructive and positive.

Happy Easter everyone, by the way, and don’t eat too much chocolate! 🙂

Posted in Life

Tomorrow is Another Day…But Let’s Not Forget About Today

Posted on by jennrae

I have to head out the door and go to work but thought I would do a quick post. I think it is easy for people to get attached to the past, myself included, and tend to forget that today is the day that matters most. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t here yet. I have a list of immediate goals I need to get done today, which will have to wait until after work. Then, I have my macro goals which are in the back of my mind.

Procrastination is one of my areas that I need to work on, so while there is always tomorrow, there is also today, and even a small job becomes overwhelming if you keep putting it off.

So, onwards and upwards! Today is the first day of the rest of your existence.  As I like to tell my son, you have a choice. You can go in as a grumpy bear, or you can march in like a big boy…well, getting the big girl panties on and going to march into work, and make it a great day! Hope you all do the same! 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

It isn’t over til it’s over…or why giving up isn’t as easy as it sounds

Posted on by jennrae

I’m sitting in the coffee shop right now thinking and being all existential-like. Life has meaning, I believe this. If  I have faith in anything, it is that things happen for a reason whether we understand the reason or not. If you were to die tomorrow, and see the events of your life, would you be proud of the life you lived? Or would you be filled with regret?

Right now, I look back and feel that I have done a lot of self discovery but still not accomplished much. If I died tomorrow, I would feel like I let myself down in some ways. I didn’t try hard enough to publish my novel, didn’t get my degree, never got to see the world. But, on the other hand, I did have a beautiful son, I had several good love stories with beautiful moments. I know there are people who would miss me everyday. I treasure these memories, and I know that my time on earth hasn’t been a waste. Every experience helps shape who you are and what you will become. Every person you meet impacts you, and affects you.

It is never truly over. Life is a cycle, and even if someone leaves your life, they will come back, perhaps not in the same form, maybe not to fill the same role. But they aren’t gone. They live on in your thoughts, dreams, and wishes.

Giving up on a future, or a dream of where you thought it was all going is so very hard because you felt so sure, so certain of the destination. But, like the cliche says, the “even the best laid plans go awry.”

Nothing worth doing is easy, and giving up on a dream isn’t either. But the fantasy of being with someone isn’t the same as the dream of writing a novel, of getting a master’s degree, of seeing your child get a master’s degree. The dream of being with someone isn’t something you can make happen. It takes the other person to be in the same dream. When two people are living two separate dreams it cannot work.  And, living in a dream world will prevent you from accomplishing things in life, and increase the chance of looking back with regrets. Regret is wasted energy. The past is gone, it isn’t coming back.

I will always look back in the year I had with fondness, without regret. It was beautiful, and I know that next year will be as well. It will  be different, but that can be good. Part of life is change, and how we deal with change. So, live life, sometimes living means giving up on one dream so you can live another. The future is always hopeful, the past is always finished. The present moment is where we find the most joy, and the most lasting fulfillment, so use your time wisely. Enjoy the moments while you have them, nothing lasts forever.

Posted in Life

Love Never Goes Away…Like Energy It Isn’t Created or Destroyed

Posted on by jennrae

The object of your affection may leave you, permanently or temporarily but what is going through my mind right now is the feeling you feel doesn’t actually leave you. It stays, maybe dims, maybe gets rerouted to someone new, or someone else. But it doesn’t disappear, even your love for a specific person doesn’t die. You have the memories and the times you spent, they are yours like precious diamonds. No one can take them away from you, nor can any situation,not even the death of the person. Your life with them never truly ends. Your memories live on and give them life.

 

If  you fall in love again, and you will, your former partner may dim from your life, but down the line you may remember something they said or some kind gesture. They may not be at the fore front of your thoughts, but in a way they never leave you. They are there in the memories. If a loved one dies, they also remain. Those gems are the most precious. You know they loved you and you know they would still love you if they could. Continuing to love them and their memory is giving them life again. They will live on through us and we will live on through our loved ones when our time comes. All is never lost, merely misplaced.

Posted in Life

Letting Go is Hard, but Necessary

Posted on by jennrae

I drove by where I went to high school near my favorite coffee shop, and remembered how I lost a little ring right before graduation. I never had time to properly look for it, although I tried with the time I did have. It was small, and had a tiny blue sapphire. It wasn’t a real sapphire, just glass and some cheap metal. It was basically a dime store ring.

So, what was so special about this ring? The reason I wore it that day? I had owned that ring since I was five years old. It meant a lot to me, my mom gave it to me but I don’t remember how it came about. Was it my birthday? Was it just because I saw it and liked it? The details are lost, I just knew I had it for a very long time. It became a part of me. It went through all my trials and tribulations up to that point in my life. It transcended being a dime store ring, and became my childhood, culminating in my graduation.

So, what made me suddenly remember combing the concrete path near the old gym/auditorium as I drove by? I can’t say for sure, but a good guess is that I was subconsciously reminding myself that like back then, I am now also undergoing a transition. And, while it may not have been for so many years, I did have someone who journeyed with me for a year, who went through the trials and tribulations of my current life. Someone who I must now let go.

Like the ring, I spent all the time I could retracing my steps, hoping to find what I’d lost. But, eventually I used up all the time, and had to go on with my life, and accept that it was over, that the ring, or in this case, this special person’s journey with me had come to an end. It was time to start a new chapter of my life, one which I have no idea where it ends, or how. It’s an open-ended book, the possibilities are endless.

Don’t waste too much time looking for your dime store ring. The meaning you attach to it, is in the memories and events, not the item itself. Some things and some people disappear from your life, and accepting that they are gone and mourning the loss is a way to transition to better things, better times. Someday you will be able to drive by the area, and passively remember searching for the ring, and it will be just another memory.

Posted in Life

Change is Good…or Great Expectations and Why No Expectations are the Greatest!

Posted on by jennrae

I’m writing this looking forward to the future. I get to get back into dating, this time I will take my time and enjoy the process of getting to know another human being. My goal is not to rush into anything, but at the same time I am excited for a fresh start. A start where someone doesn’t have a preconceived notion of who I am, or who I should be. Someone that will hopefully, have an open mind and possibly grow to love me as I am in this moment. Not for any perceived potential or tweaking, or reinvention. Someone who may just end up being a one time fun date, or a friend, or a lover.

I love going into it without expecting anything in return. It is like I am leaving the answer up to the universe to figure out. I am not hedging all my happiness on one poor soul, but I am looking forward to the experience nonetheless. If I don’t go into it thinking this is my last shot of the love lottery, I am not as likely to be disappointed.

Can I still be disappointed? Of course, there is always the possibility of that. Him cancelling the date, changing his mind, not meeting, not getting to know someone. Those things would be disappointing, but not in a traumatic way. I am not heavily invested. It would be more like, well, that sucks, let’s see who else is out there. Not, OMG, I am UNLOVABLE!! Which is the polar opposite reaction, the reaction that takes every failure personally. My goal is to not take it personally. Whatever will be, will be. My goal is to not stop taking risks, to not let fear be the deciding factor of my life.

A quote from a sweet romantic film done by Baz Luhrman comes to mind, Strictly Ballroom, if you haven’t seen it, you should, “A life Lived in fear is a life half-lived.” The whole movie is about people and how they perceive success and failure, and how that fear of being a failure, or being laughed at, ridiculed, put down makes some people give up on their dreams, their goals. I say, don’t give up! If it is worth doing, it won’t be easy. If you go down without a fight, you will always live your life full of regrets. “Why didn’t I try harder, why did I give up, why didn’t I give it my all?, why didn’t I put myself back out there? Fear of rejection is still just fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let the fear win. Adversity makes us stronger in the end. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Life is Good, or Life is What You Make it

Posted on by jennrae

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading about things like making decisions, how to move on, and how to be happy with how things are. Trying to think positive, and accept things as they are, not how I would like them to be, or how I wish they were. Reality is reality. And, reality isn’t that bad. Life is actually good. It is easy to get trapped into seeing the negative things, and overlook the positive. Even things like having a loved one leave your life abruptly, can actually bring good things into your life.

For me, it has been hard to stay optimistic. There are mornings where I wish I could magically get my old life back. I was happy, content. I really felt good, and didn’t desire more. But, it was perhaps my lack of wanting more that made it stale for the other person. I guess I will never know, and knowing that answer won’t change anything anyway. But, then I realize that the leaving was a catalyst for a lot of things I may not have started doing. Going back to school, starting an exercise regimen, writing more, even feeling flirtatious, and being able to spend time doing other things. Like quality time with my son, or even trying to set up a date, or just going out for the sake of going out. I don’t have to worry about entertaining someone else, or cooking for someone else, except my son and all he wants is mac and cheese or pancakes. It opened a lot of freedom for me, and is forcing me to look into my life and improve it.

The trick is to not get stuck in the past, or the woulda coulda shoulda’s. And I have to fight that every day. It is difficult to accept that someone can love you one day, and leave you the next. You feel like that happens when you do something wrong, for example:  lie, cheat, be disrespectful. You don’t prepare yourself for them just deciding it isn’t a good fit for them. You aren’t a shoe, or a sweater. You are a person. If they loved you, they would try everything in their power to make it work right? Not necessarily. And you will never know what’s going on in their head, and you will never know why. And the really great news is….you don’t need to. Because it doesn’t matter. What matters is you know that you tried, that you gave it your all. That you didn’t give up on them. That you treated them right, and that you deserve better. 🙂