Tag: acceptance

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

What I Used to Be..

Posted on by jennrae

This last writing prompt was hard because I have never really tried my hand at poetry. And there is something inherently intimidating about trying your hand at something you haven’t done before. I have always handicapped myself unnecessarily with wondering whether I am good enough or not, whether I should bother trying or not. If I can’t attain perfection what’s the point?

But then I remind myself it isn’t always about the destination but the journey, I know how cliche, but it is how we learn and grow, how we become the people we are in this moment. I remember signing up for college at UW Tacoma to get my Bachelor’s in Communications. I failed, I let life distract me and get in the way of my goals. I had this dream of becoming an editor maybe even going to Manhattan, publisher’s row as they call it. I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she telling me I was wasting everyone’s time and money. I should give up, I won’t get the degree. To this day I am sorry I didn’t prove her wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t have it in me. It was I got lost along the way. I got wrapped up in the unnecessary drama of life.

I let someone force their way into my life and home and completely destroy me. He also told me I was worthless, a piece of garbage and undeserving of life, an utter failure. I think we do internalize what others say, especially if it mimics our insecurities as this did at the time. I was depressed I know now, and that’s why my grades slipped and I eventually dropped out with nothing to show for it except a mountain of student debt.

But, my mom, this guy, they were wrong about me. I was wrong about me. I know this now. They didn’t really know me, they knew what they thought of me, and I think mirrored their own insecurities onto me. They couldn’t do it. They wouldn’t do it. They would be wasting their time and money. I could have, had I been a stronger person. If I had learned to say no. If I had learned to stand taller, straighter and say, get the hell out of my head, i don’t need any naysayers. I can do whatever I damn well please, within reason. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but they all help to make up me. Who I am and who I will become. Being a life time learner means constant change and growth and never allowing oneself to become stagnant.

So if this poem isn’t a masterpiece, oh well. At least I tried my hand at it, and I didn’t give up. It was simple, and I did try my best and attempt at refining it in my clumsy way. Writing lifts me up to that higher place, where I can be at the mountaintops, where I can go to the moon in a rocket ship or sip coffee from a balcony in Sicily. I can do whatever I want when I am writing and it is nice to have some control when often in life your control is limited.

I am beyond caring about what people think of me but what matters to me is when I close my eyes, I know the person I am, and I care about what I think of me. Being true to myself and others and taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my life. That guy who was momentarily in my life also told me that the world was a dark and dreary place full of evil people and liars and that I wouldn’t stand a chance. I was too much of an idealist. My worldview wasn’t realistic.

I say I don’t want to live in that world, I would rather believe in a fantastical world than believe in his ugly dark world. Perceptions are part of reality and I choose to live in a brighter more beautiful world by choice. I choose to believe people are good at heart when I meet them. I choose to believe there is beauty truth and hope in the world. And, I believe I can attain perfection in a perfect moment at the perfect time. It is momentary, but when it happens you know, and it is the best feeling in the world. The striving is what counts. Keep striving, don’t give up. Knowing is half the battle, from GI Joe. Wisdom from a kid’s cartoon. But I have never forgotten it. Wisdom comes from everywhere.

 

 

 

Posted in Life

My life a Work in Progress– an Update

Posted on by jennrae

I have been posting some short fiction that is pretty rough, it literally is writing prompts and whatever pops in my head, unrefined as it is, it is getting some of the rust off, as I am attempting to rewrite my novel for the 10th time.

So, as far as life goes, all is going pretty well for me.I feel like I am in the best shape of my life, and am even toying with the idea of taking up running. I feel pretty motivated in general right now. I meditate on a regular basis just to feel less stressed and I think it is really working. I feel much better about myself and even feel like I am the gorgeous person I am and that I deserve it. In short, I feel damn good. Financially, still working on getting out of the pit of debt, student loans and the like, but I am finally in a career that I know will pay well, and it will provide me the long term security I need.

I am also going to treat my writing more like a second job. Daily writing, and I am going to try to enter contests see if I can’t get some stories published and in print while I work on re writing. I also eventually would like to do some traveling and maybe learning.

My son takes music lessons, and acting, and swimming again soon, and I feel like you are never too old to learn, you know? I would love voice lessons, maybe learn guitar, maybe learn another language. I have a smattering of French that I think would come back pretty quick if I had someone to talk to. I would also love to go on some hikes, maybe be a bit more adventure-ish. I feel like I have some time to make up for getting caught in the grind a bit too long. I had an unhealthy job for a couple years that drained me, and feel like I have finally got myself back from that abyss.

I finally feel in love with myself, like I don’t need someone else to validate me. I feel beautiful, smart, and sometimes, even funny. I have also embraced positivism to the point where I really enjoy it. If you can choose to live in the sunshine or the shade, wouldn’t you choose the sun? It isn’t always easy, sometimes when I have a mountain of work in front of me I get that split second thought of ‘oh crapola, why me?’ But, I consciously turn it around into ‘job security, yay! ‘

It takes work, but like most things that are worth doing, you get what you put into it.

 

Posted in Life

Letting Go is Hard, but Necessary

Posted on by jennrae

I drove by where I went to high school near my favorite coffee shop, and remembered how I lost a little ring right before graduation. I never had time to properly look for it, although I tried with the time I did have. It was small, and had a tiny blue sapphire. It wasn’t a real sapphire, just glass and some cheap metal. It was basically a dime store ring.

So, what was so special about this ring? The reason I wore it that day? I had owned that ring since I was five years old. It meant a lot to me, my mom gave it to me but I don’t remember how it came about. Was it my birthday? Was it just because I saw it and liked it? The details are lost, I just knew I had it for a very long time. It became a part of me. It went through all my trials and tribulations up to that point in my life. It transcended being a dime store ring, and became my childhood, culminating in my graduation.

So, what made me suddenly remember combing the concrete path near the old gym/auditorium as I drove by? I can’t say for sure, but a good guess is that I was subconsciously reminding myself that like back then, I am now also undergoing a transition. And, while it may not have been for so many years, I did have someone who journeyed with me for a year, who went through the trials and tribulations of my current life. Someone who I must now let go.

Like the ring, I spent all the time I could retracing my steps, hoping to find what I’d lost. But, eventually I used up all the time, and had to go on with my life, and accept that it was over, that the ring, or in this case, this special person’s journey with me had come to an end. It was time to start a new chapter of my life, one which I have no idea where it ends, or how. It’s an open-ended book, the possibilities are endless.

Don’t waste too much time looking for your dime store ring. The meaning you attach to it, is in the memories and events, not the item itself. Some things and some people disappear from your life, and accepting that they are gone and mourning the loss is a way to transition to better things, better times. Someday you will be able to drive by the area, and passively remember searching for the ring, and it will be just another memory.

Posted in Life

Acceptance is the Best Gift you can Give Someone

Posted on by jennrae

This was another idea I had last night, but I nearly forgot it. But it is something I want to touch on, because I think it is important. I think too few people realize it. Or realize it late in life. The greatest gift you can give someone isn’t love. I used to think it was. And, that sounds very romantic. But, it isn’t. Because you can fall for an illusion, or you can think you love someone and not really know them.

I think, before you even worry about love, or giving love, you need to accept yourself, and accept the person, for who they are, as they are. Too often people (myself included, guilty as charged!)think that they can tinker, fix, alter, change, encourage, provoke, cause someone to be what they want. If you want to custom order a lifesize doll as a mate, I think they made a movie about that? Lars and the Real Girl. (i like this movie btw, it is funny, and strangely moving.)

Otherwise, you have to accept people, or not accept people. But if you want to know the greatest thing you can do for someone, accept them as they are, just be happy that they are them, and not someone else, whether they are family, lover, or friend. Just let them be. Don’t try to change them. If you don’t like them, why are you hanging out with them? Accept them, if they are gay, straight, bi, alien, 4 legs, whatever. They are who they are. Love what you love about them, and accept what you don’t. Focus on the positive. And, find inner peace. If you must work on someone, the best person is yourself. Because that is the only person you have any control over, or should have any control over. (there are some abusive types, but obviously this is bad.)

So, when I am asked what I want for Christmas, I am going to say…. Accept me as I am. Do not pick at my faults, embrace them. Do not tear me down, lift me up. Find what it is you like about me, and embrace that. And in return, I will accept you… I will accept you, as you are, as is. Sometimes it is the second hand stores that have the best clothes/furniture. As people, we are all second, third, fortieth hand, we have all been exposed to, and experienced alot of events and other people. Embrace it! *smile* You are on candid camera…well,I’m being candid at least. Not sure about the camera part, just always wanted to say that. hehe.

The other gift you can give yourself….don’t take yourself, or life too seriously….Life is too short,(read other post if you don’t get this.) oops!*Note to self, find another way to say that, please! 😛