Tag: understanding

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

What I Used to Be..

Posted on by jennrae

This last writing prompt was hard because I have never really tried my hand at poetry. And there is something inherently intimidating about trying your hand at something you haven’t done before. I have always handicapped myself unnecessarily with wondering whether I am good enough or not, whether I should bother trying or not. If I can’t attain perfection what’s the point?

But then I remind myself it isn’t always about the destination but the journey, I know how cliche, but it is how we learn and grow, how we become the people we are in this moment. I remember signing up for college at UW Tacoma to get my Bachelor’s in Communications. I failed, I let life distract me and get in the way of my goals. I had this dream of becoming an editor maybe even going to Manhattan, publisher’s row as they call it. I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she telling me I was wasting everyone’s time and money. I should give up, I won’t get the degree. To this day I am sorry I didn’t prove her wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t have it in me. It was I got lost along the way. I got wrapped up in the unnecessary drama of life.

I let someone force their way into my life and home and completely destroy me. He also told me I was worthless, a piece of garbage and undeserving of life, an utter failure. I think we do internalize what others say, especially if it mimics our insecurities as this did at the time. I was depressed I know now, and that’s why my grades slipped and I eventually dropped out with nothing to show for it except a mountain of student debt.

But, my mom, this guy, they were wrong about me. I was wrong about me. I know this now. They didn’t really know me, they knew what they thought of me, and I think mirrored their own insecurities onto me. They couldn’t do it. They wouldn’t do it. They would be wasting their time and money. I could have, had I been a stronger person. If I had learned to say no. If I had learned to stand taller, straighter and say, get the hell out of my head, i don’t need any naysayers. I can do whatever I damn well please, within reason. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but they all help to make up me. Who I am and who I will become. Being a life time learner means constant change and growth and never allowing oneself to become stagnant.

So if this poem isn’t a masterpiece, oh well. At least I tried my hand at it, and I didn’t give up. It was simple, and I did try my best and attempt at refining it in my clumsy way. Writing lifts me up to that higher place, where I can be at the mountaintops, where I can go to the moon in a rocket ship or sip coffee from a balcony in Sicily. I can do whatever I want when I am writing and it is nice to have some control when often in life your control is limited.

I am beyond caring about what people think of me but what matters to me is when I close my eyes, I know the person I am, and I care about what I think of me. Being true to myself and others and taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my life. That guy who was momentarily in my life also told me that the world was a dark and dreary place full of evil people and liars and that I wouldn’t stand a chance. I was too much of an idealist. My worldview wasn’t realistic.

I say I don’t want to live in that world, I would rather believe in a fantastical world than believe in his ugly dark world. Perceptions are part of reality and I choose to live in a brighter more beautiful world by choice. I choose to believe people are good at heart when I meet them. I choose to believe there is beauty truth and hope in the world. And, I believe I can attain perfection in a perfect moment at the perfect time. It is momentary, but when it happens you know, and it is the best feeling in the world. The striving is what counts. Keep striving, don’t give up. Knowing is half the battle, from GI Joe. Wisdom from a kid’s cartoon. But I have never forgotten it. Wisdom comes from everywhere.

 

 

 

Posted in Life

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Posted on by jennrae

I found out through the tangled grapevine that someone from my building passed away, and I feel bad about it, because I can’t count the times I passed by her hurriedly, saying hi, and my mind being elsewhere. She wasn’t elderly either, and she had some issues. I feel now, that it is too late to go back and do things differently, I wish I had been a little nicer, reached out a little more; listened and paid attention to what she was trying to tell me.  I think she was shouting, “Help!” It just came out in different words. And, my brain didn’t translate it as such. It reminds me of a poem I wrote down once, because it struck me as being kinda true. And the last line of the poem was, “I wasn’t waving, but drowning.” I think that was what she was doing, not saying hi, but crying for help.  It’s easy to forget she was someones mother, sister, daughter, grandmother. She was a person, who was actually very sweet, just a little mixed up. I didn’t realize she was in such trouble, I had no idea she would end her life. I wish I had listened more.

But there comes a point where you have to admit, you aren’t a time traveler. You can’t fix things, it is beyond your control. What I can do is think positive, and hope her family is strong. And learn to pay more attention to the signs so next time I can say, yes, I did all I could.

At the same time I’m going through this, I feel guilty for being happy. I feel like I am finally off the treadmill and things seem to be progressing, and then I feel guilty that I’m leaving someone behind that I would’ve moved mountains for. But you can only do so much without the person reciprocating. I did do all I could. I gave it everything I had, I tried enough for two people for months. I did all I could, but he never took my hand. I never wanted to cause him any pain. But you can’t drag a horse to water. They have to want to drink.  And, if that one isn’t thirsty, and you have tried everything, it might be time to find a horse that is thirsty. I can’t swim upstream forever with no hope of anything coming of it.

To the not thirsty one: Please stop making me feel bad for letting go, when you were shoving me out the door! If you want me to be happy, let me be happy. Stop reliving the past. The past is gone. There could have been a future, but you made the choice. You made the decision to not take the risk, to not reach out. Now, you have to live with that. I can say that I gave it my all, and that makes it easier for me. Because I know I tried. I tried so hard for so long. But, I am done crying over you. I’m sorry.