Tag: taking time

Posted in Life, Uncategorized, Writing

What I Used to Be..

Posted on by jennrae

This last writing prompt was hard because I have never really tried my hand at poetry. And there is something inherently intimidating about trying your hand at something you haven’t done before. I have always handicapped myself unnecessarily with wondering whether I am good enough or not, whether I should bother trying or not. If I can’t attain perfection what’s the point?

But then I remind myself it isn’t always about the destination but the journey, I know how cliche, but it is how we learn and grow, how we become the people we are in this moment. I remember signing up for college at UW Tacoma to get my Bachelor’s in Communications. I failed, I let life distract me and get in the way of my goals. I had this dream of becoming an editor maybe even going to Manhattan, publisher’s row as they call it. I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she telling me I was wasting everyone’s time and money. I should give up, I won’t get the degree. To this day I am sorry I didn’t prove her wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t have it in me. It was I got lost along the way. I got wrapped up in the unnecessary drama of life.

I let someone force their way into my life and home and completely destroy me. He also told me I was worthless, a piece of garbage and undeserving of life, an utter failure. I think we do internalize what others say, especially if it mimics our insecurities as this did at the time. I was depressed I know now, and that’s why my grades slipped and I eventually dropped out with nothing to show for it except a mountain of student debt.

But, my mom, this guy, they were wrong about me. I was wrong about me. I know this now. They didn’t really know me, they knew what they thought of me, and I think mirrored their own insecurities onto me. They couldn’t do it. They wouldn’t do it. They would be wasting their time and money. I could have, had I been a stronger person. If I had learned to say no. If I had learned to stand taller, straighter and say, get the hell out of my head, i don’t need any naysayers. I can do whatever I damn well please, within reason. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but they all help to make up me. Who I am and who I will become. Being a life time learner means constant change and growth and never allowing oneself to become stagnant.

So if this poem isn’t a masterpiece, oh well. At least I tried my hand at it, and I didn’t give up. It was simple, and I did try my best and attempt at refining it in my clumsy way. Writing lifts me up to that higher place, where I can be at the mountaintops, where I can go to the moon in a rocket ship or sip coffee from a balcony in Sicily. I can do whatever I want when I am writing and it is nice to have some control when often in life your control is limited.

I am beyond caring about what people think of me but what matters to me is when I close my eyes, I know the person I am, and I care about what I think of me. Being true to myself and others and taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my life. That guy who was momentarily in my life also told me that the world was a dark and dreary place full of evil people and liars and that I wouldn’t stand a chance. I was too much of an idealist. My worldview wasn’t realistic.

I say I don’t want to live in that world, I would rather believe in a fantastical world than believe in his ugly dark world. Perceptions are part of reality and I choose to live in a brighter more beautiful world by choice. I choose to believe people are good at heart when I meet them. I choose to believe there is beauty truth and hope in the world. And, I believe I can attain perfection in a perfect moment at the perfect time. It is momentary, but when it happens you know, and it is the best feeling in the world. The striving is what counts. Keep striving, don’t give up. Knowing is half the battle, from GI Joe. Wisdom from a kid’s cartoon. But I have never forgotten it. Wisdom comes from everywhere.

 

 

 

Posted in Life

Those Starving Kids in China…and Other Tales of Woe

Posted on by jennrae

Sometimes it is easy for me to fall into that old trap of wanting what I can’t have and kicking myself when I’m down. Two bad days in a row makes it seem like life is terrible. But, I feel it is important to take the time to stop, breathe, and remember that two days doesn’t make up a person’s lifetime,and two bad days back to back mean nothing except you had two bad days back to back. I think us humans have a tendency to reach for meaning where there isn’t always meaning to be found. Sometimes it is what it appears, and sometimes not, so best to not jump to conclusions.

Anyway, about those starving kids in China. I remember always being told at dinner time to eat all the food on my plate because there were starving kids in China. Maybe China was a safe choice, far away enough to not have it be real, but a real country, so still plausible? Either way, I sometimes struggled to clean my plate. I would be up there at the table sometimes for over an hour. I tend to eat slow, and I eat slower still when I am full, but I was always told not to waste food. It became a problem until one day, I insisted on dishing out my own portions. I lost a lot of weight after doing that too, my mom meant well, but basically she was forcing me to overeat and telling me to do what I was told, didn’t seem to actually figure out that there was a problem with a simple solution.

To this day, I hate wasting food, it feels wrong to me. And, I don’t think waste is good.  But, neither is feeling sick because you ate too much. I guess what my rambling point is, that we don’t always see how good we have it, and we don’t always see the full picture of what’s going on. Sometimes what looks like an insurmountable problem actually has a simple solution. Don’t want your kid to waste food on their plate? Dish up smaller portions, if they are still hungry, they can go back for seconds.  Can’t seem to save money, find a way to set aside money without having to think about it. Don’t like your life right now, try to figure out what you don’t like, and do something about it. (I am still working on this one, sometimes inertia is so much easier than forcing yourself to be proactive.)

We as people often use tales of woe, or saying someone else has it worse off to make ourselves feel better. I say, if it works, go for it! If you need to think on those starving kids to eat your spinach, then picture them in all their bulging eye, rib showing glory.

Different things motivate different people. I actually get more motivated when I feel good. If I feel like I’m on a roll, and the good things keep coming, it is like a high. If I am being badgered, ordered about, reminded daily of my faults and short comings, than, I tend to do the whole fall flat on my face failure plus self fulfilling prophecy bit. The trick that I am trying to learn is to channel and store that good feeling and try to summon it up during the bad times, like my own energy source.

And, to try and take a moment and remember that people are comprised partly on the events that have happened to them throughout their day. Do not give people the power to control your moods, up or down. If you depend on someone to make you feel good, or let someone make you feel bad, you are giving them way too much power over your self-worth.  Besides, even well-meaning people let others down from time to time. If you aren’t emotionally dependent on them, than it isn’t the end of the world when this happens. (I’m still working on this as well, easier said than done!)

In closing, there are starving children somewhere, some not as far away as China, some further, and there are horrible accidents, diseases and disasters being brought to our attention via television everyday. But, in the end, to prevent useless anxiety, it really serves no purpose to worry about the things beyond your control. Find your peace within, and your life won’t seem too bad. It isn’t going to be paradise on earth everyday either, that just isn’t natural, but, nothing is unsalvageable.  🙂