” Who wills,
Can.
Who tries,
Does.
Who loves,
Lives.—- Anne McCaffery
Tag: life
Birthday Vlog Post –McCaffrey and My Slow Progress on Multiple Novels…
Have Laptop Will Travel…
So I am taking a week off from work to get my groove back, creatively and emotionally. Been working a lot of six day weeks and even though it isn’t labor intensive work, working with the public does after a while, unravel the mind. So, I decided I needed some R and R, and also some time to re organize and do some deep cleaning. Need to make my environment more conducive to productive living and help me channel more productive thoughts. Been just surviving when I want to do so much more.
I have a mental list of things to get done, among them, writing. So, I took the laptop out with me today and went to a local coffee shop. I think I will do this throughout the week, maybe going to different ones.
This time I chose Rainshadow Coffee, because honestly I have been here before and it just has a great vibe to it. I feel like I get a lot done and it is just perfect. There is food if you are hungry, fresh locally roasted coffee which is awesome, and plenty of electrical outlets which is invaluable when you are using a laptop from 2009. Which I am.
One thing about old laptops, it has had a ton of its parts upgraded so it isn’t that slow actually, but yeah, it lasts for maybe 15 seconds unplugged from the wall, so, yeah, need an outlet, battery will not take you far with this one.
But, in defense of using an ancient laptop, a lot of the newer models you cannot upgrade at all, they fuse the parts to the motherboard. Apple started this trend, so blame them, they have been doing this for years.
Shame on IBM/Lenovo and others for joining them in their desire to force people to buy an entirely new machine every few years instead of replacing parts.
I mean, how wasteful! Think about it? Perfectly good computers that just don’t have the video cards to handle modern games or applications, go into the trash because they can’t run anything anymore, but most of the parts work just fine.
GRRRR. My laptop has a fairly new hard drive, which I installed myself, along with a WiFi card, and new better dual channel ram. All for much less than a new laptop would have cost me. Much less. Plus, the monitor and casing isn’t in a landfill somewhere, or the toxic motherboard isn’t poisoning children in India tasked with getting the mercury or some such evil thing. Doing my part, no matter how small.
Anyway, yeah, good food, great coffee, and WiFi plus electricity equals the perfect equation for a happy writer. Thumbs way up to Rainshadow.
I hope the competition is half this good, although I know of at least two other places that are in range. Scooter’s coffee, has WiFi, and an abundance of outlets, food and coffee. They actually have Rainshadow roasted beans, ironically. All locally produced deli items which is amazing.
Hurricane Coffee is another place I frequent. They have an advantage that when I am with my son they are the only one with ice cream.
So, if you have a child, immediately Hurricane has an edge. This edge is also a minus however, as it is also a local hang out spot for teens, so after school hours, they kinda take over half the place and tend to be kinda noisy.
You need some good sound canceling head phones to work in there at those times. Rainshadow is the most spacious of the the three by far, all three are in proximity of down town and are convenient. They are all good, and the food is decent at all places, although I would give Rainshadow the top marks on food because they offer breakfast burritos and hot foods while the other two are more sandwiches and bagels and that kind of thing.
Price wise, I think Scooter’s is the most economical if you are sticking with drip coffee. If you are getting food or espresso, I would say they are all within range of each other. All are great places for inspiration and public writing spaces. There is something to be said for being in your own world while simultaneously surrounded by people. It is just a completely different feeling than being at home in your jammies with your computer. although that is good too.
There is also Starbucks, of course, but Starbucks is the same wherever you are pretty much. The McDonald’s of Coffeeshops, unless you count McDonalds which also has free Wifi and coffee, so, yeah, also an option. But I prefer to support the independents when I can. The little guys have the best atmosphere, the best vibe, and you can’t replicate or buy that, it just is.
And some places have it and some places don’t. I can’t explain it. It is an emotion not something quantifiable. I just know it isn’t something chain stores can cultivate. Starbucks culture is so snobbish and highbrow. It is kinda artificial and forced. It isn’t a natural culture. It is something marketed to itself by somebody in Seattle somewhere.
They try, just when you become big, something happens. You lose the dynamic culture of something crafted for a small audience, you start to cater to the masses, and the masses are a lot more blase and boring than a more specific audience ever is.
The smaller place will always have a more eclectic and interesting feel. I need to try Suzon’s as well. I remember it being cozy and having decent coffee but being more quiet and contemplative. Not a good option to take a kid, but those without children might prefer a quiet space. There is a place for everyone it seems even in a small town.
Writing Prompt– One Man’s Story
Inspired by James Mascia’s Other Worlds:Writing Prompts for the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer, kindle edition.
The man opened the door, slowly sliding in and taking a seat seeing the line in front of him. The phones were ringing and could not be answered fast enough. Policemen hurried about and left leaving staff frantically answering phones and taking messages on those little post it notes and stationary, whatever happened to be close to their hand at that moment.
The man knew why this was happening. And he knew it was time to tell his story. There is no point in telling a story without an audience to react to it, so time would be limited. He needed an audience. This was his masterpiece and he wanted to be recognized for it before it was too late. His worn shoes and tattered coat misled people into thinking he was powerless. They were all wrong, so very wrong.
He watched the people edge closer to the counter one at a time, being told to take a seat and as soon as someone was available they would be seen to. He waited. People continued to stream in, in a worried frantic way, only to wait. Hurry up and wait folks. Time’s almost up.
The man looked at his cracked beaten watch and smiled. So close now. He took a deep breath in through his nose, almost tasting the fear, the sense of impending doom in the air. He could almost feel the vibration like a massive bomb going off, of all the anxious energy of all the people around him. To be in a police station when the end was nigh. That was how to be in the center of the storm. To feel the nuclear blast at its core. Would he survive this? Did it matter?
He started tapping his foot. He almost jumped out of his chair. He had been carrying a sign for so long warning people of the end times. People laughed at him, spit in his face, shoved him, but it was the laughing that hurt most. Now who is laughing, he thought.
He was a part of this chaos. He knew he started this cyclone spiraling down with his powerful mind. He would watch the world burn and it go down the toilet bowl. Would he get sucked in with it? Maybe? But it was so worth it. Just to hear all those jeers and taunts, the pity change thrown at his feet like he was a common beggar.
How dare they! He meant it as a serious warning but no one took heed. He smiled smugly to himself. His ex wife and estranged kids cut him out of their life long ago. He lost his house and property to the evil empire. He all ready lost everything that mattered including his pride and dignity.
This was his calling, his duty to warn mankind of the angels of destruction and the end of the world. But it was a onerous task, one which cost him everything. A man with nothing to lose is the most dangerous. He believed this. He knew this. He was that man.
Finally the lobby was filled with people muttering and sitting and some still standing defiantly, all demanding answers. He stood up and walked up to the counter pushing some people aside, others looked at him perplexed but still moved aside. His purpose was now. This would be his audience, his big moment.
“All these storms, these disasters. All this natural destruction that y’all are experiencing right now. It is the will of God. But it is also my vengeance. I was tasked by the angels to warn you all of this time that was a coming. But you all laughed at me, pitied me, shook your head and kept on a walking. Well, now is the time to pay the piper. Now it is the end times.
“And, I hope you all suffer as I have suffered. I hope everyone you loved leaves you high and dry. I hope government types come and take your house, and your car, and tell you what to do. I hope when you get so down and you can’t buy yourself food and clothes that when people laugh and chuckle and throw a penny or a nickel at your face that you think it is actually funny. I hope that you get dirty looks when you scrape enough change together to buy a pack of cigs or a single beer.
“I hope people judge you by how you smell, and what you look like. I hope you fall apart and when the voices do come, cause they will, I hope you listen real hard. I hope you all go in one big group and throw yourselves off the cliff like lemmings. I won’t do it. But I will be watching. And, maybe I will have a beer while I do.” And he spat on the ground, people looking at him like he was crazy. Nothing new there. They will see. They would all see. No one made a move to grab him, or hurt him.
They just all stared at him blankly like they didn’t understand English. Maybe he was still a big joke to them. He breathed in deeply one more time, focusing his mind on the final destruction, seeing it, believing it. Making it happen, now. He spread his arms out, people backed away still muttering. But he could no longer hear them.
” Please God, make me an instrument of your will. Please, end my suffering, and all the suffering of those around me. I cannot stand this evil world anymore. I tried to do your bidding, but it was hard. People are cruel. I do not know if they are ready for your love, yet. They are still full of arrogance, pride, jealousy, envy. Revenge. Yes, I am also full of revenge. I am also not worthy. But let me be the undoing. My fate is sealed, I know that now. I made my choices, I am ready to pay. Let it be now.”
A large rumble shook the room. People gripped the counter, and ducked down. Windows shattered, the personnel behind the counter took cover, trying to call out to no avail. Lines went down lights flickered and went out. People started to panic running in all kinds of directions. He simply watched, un-moving, a slight smile on his dirty face. It was just like he pictured it. Exactly. His mind was ridiculously powerful. The fear, the fear, it was intoxicating. They were scared, and he was not.
And then suddenly his eyes opened, and he was in a hospital bed, surrounded by faces he didn’t know. “What happened? Is this heaven?”
“No, this isn’t heaven. You were in an accident. A hit and run driver. These people found you and called 911. Do you remember what happened at all?” The doctor had a notepad and a pencil and wore a concerned expression on his face like a costume. A pretend to care face, he knew that look too well.
“Do you want the truth? Or what you want to hear? I was living my dream. And what a beautiful dream it was. I wish I had not woken up. I hate this world.”
“When was the last time you saw a doctor? Who is your next of kin?”
“Does it matter? I am like an egg carton, like one of those oily burger wrapper things that doesn’t make it into the trash. No one takes care of me, yet I stick around. No one wants me, but I’m still here.”
He saw the doctor scribble something down. He would guess Depression with a capital D. No one knew the truth, no one wanted to know. He closed his eyes again. Still not worthy to fulfill his destiny. He had to go back to warning people again. Someday he would be worthy to fulfill his purpose. Then they would all see. They would all tremble before him. The laughing would finally stop.
The Infamous Jennisfora strikes back at her allergies…and loses?
Been suffering from allergies or a cold or something for a few days now and I am all ready sick of it. Can’t seem to find anything that really works at getting rid of the symptoms which are not life threatening by any means.
They are just a hindrance. I am taking some time off but I have to catch up on some things and am also doing a fair amount of sleeping which seems to help me get over these things. Just grateful I can be writing and drinking coffee today. I’m over due for a post. I think I will follow this up with a writing prompt and then I may start working on one of my novels. Maybe both. For once I have time. Been working a lot so, I am going to try and not take time too much for granted. You only have so much of it, and when it is gone, it’s gone.
Spring Is Here… Or Another Post on Renewal
It is now Sunday evening and I have a long week ahead of me working in a new environment which always makes me strangely nervous. I am always most comfortable with routine and the expected but I know part of growing as a person is being able and willing to take risks. Which means getting uncomfortable at times.
I generally like spring. It is a time of renewal, a time for change, and growth and new things coming up out of the ground. The days start to get a little longer, it rains a lot which can be soothing. It isn’t hot or cold, although it can be windy here. It is another opportunity to check in with your life, where you are at and where you want to get to.
Spring cleaning and starting over and getting organized is something I always attempt. Every year I tell myself I am going to do better and more than the year before, but I always seem to fall short. I think this year I will set my goals more realistically. I want to organize my desk, and grow this blog and make progress on both novels.
Even if it is just a few pages or a few hundred people more, that is something. I am going in the right direction. I would love to eventually make an income with my writing instead of working myself to death. Here’s to the future. May it be bright and give you all happiness and success to any that pass this way.
I believe in being grateful and hopeful for myself and others. I really believe that a person’s thoughts and actions can have a real effect and power on what happens around them. It certainly can’t hurt, so I do my best at spreading positivity wherever I can.
*Hugs* JennRae.
Inspiration and the Idea of the Muse
I am sure all the writers out there have different ways for finding inspiration. It isn’t a one size fits all type of thing. For me, I often use headphones and music to help me get in the mood. For action scenes I often use tunes that are taken from soundtracks. These soundtracks are often movies, but also video games or even television shows. Defiance has an amazing score that I can listen to looped. Bear McCreary also did the soundtrack for the Battlestar Galactica Reboot, and I just love how he uses instrumentation with synth type sounds. It just says, “this is sci-fi, buckle your seats.” Defiance Soundtrack.
If I want a more fantasy style drama, anything Lord of the Rings will do. Or Enya, or Yanni, or anything by Yasunori Mitsuda, the composer responsible for the unforgettable and unbelievably amazing ChronoCross score. For those that are not into video games, or older video games, ChronoCross was a game for the Playstation, a Sony console that came out around the same time as the Nintendo 64. This was the system that launched Sony into gaming and finally gave Nintendo some competition other than Sega.
Mitsuda often mixes almost Celtic style sounds with American Indian, mixed with Japanese and a hint of new age. And it works. Amazingly well. So well, you can still get the soundtrack even though the game itself is not that popular, plus it is like twenty years old or more now. For those that may be curious : Chrono Cross OST
There are a few orchestral versions out there as well, that are very well done. Video Games Live put out a Through Time and Space compilation that has a beautiful version of Scars of Time, one of the defining songs of the game. Of course, Final Fantasy also has a ton of amazing music that I listen to as well, especially orchestral versions of FF7 and older. I just prefer the oldies. But Chronocross has a special place in my heart perhaps because it is a little more obscure. Video Games Live Scars of Time.
Now, if I want something like a tragic love scene, I listen to everything from Adele, to the Carpenters. I have a sad love song playlist just for this. And, a happy love song list, and a dramatic list, and a more action like list. The headphones also help block out the distractions of the television, the cat and whatever else may be going on. It kinda makes me focus and set aside time that is undivided and just for writing which I find useful.
How do you get inspired? What helps kick start your writing? Do you believe something or someone can be your muse? I have been inspired by people more than once, sometimes they don’t even know they actually inspired me. Actually, that is usually the case.
Overhearing bits and pieces of conversations at coffee shops or in the laundromat is why I love writing in public spaces. But sometimes, a certain person will inspire me more than most. That is my muse, and the music of course always helps. I find I am most inspired when I get inspired by people and the music and life experiences. It all helps. I would say not one person or thing is my muse, but the collective environment around me is usually my muse.
Happy Valentine’s Day — The Day After
I have mixed feelings this time of year. I miss having a partner or a shoulder to lean on and this particular day always seems to make me more self conscious that I am a single mom. I know if I wanted someone with a pulse I could have someone easily.
I am not bad to look at, I would even call me pretty. I am fairly intelligent. Not the smartest person I know, but I would still think I am above average for sure. I try to be kind, respectful and understanding. Do I always succeed? No, but that is part of being human.
We are flawed, but I have always believed doing your best was good enough and all one can expect. I like to reach for the stars, but I don’t beat myself up for not quite getting there. Because I know that isn’t realistic.
But somehow when it comes to dating and finding someone; I am way too picky, and I just don’t find many people I can relate to. And, often when I do, they are either taken, or not interested, or somehow unavailable emotionally or somehow unable to show affection in some capacity.
I guess my picker is broken as they say. I guess I feel I have to be picky because the last serious relationship I had ended unexpectedly and suddenly for me. The signs were there, if I had been paying attention. Little hints, comments mixed within casual conversation, a sudden edginess or irritability that when I asked what was wrong I was told repeatedly “nothing.”
Of course, something was wrong, but the communication pathways were all ready being shut. The escape plan was all ready set in motion. The replacement was all ready found. When the end came, I didn’t see it. Maybe because I didn’t want to, maybe because he didn’t want me to.
People often don’t want to hurt my feelings because I seem nice. What they fail to understand is, not telling me, not explaining things, walking away without explanation or any sort of closure, does way more damage than hurting my feelings.
Your mind does crazy things when you have no answers. You tend to fill in the blanks with reasons and excuses. You tend to make up reasons, and you wonder what is happening and how all this came to be.
Eventually things fade, and go away, but the damage in this instance was pretty bad. The collateral damage done to my young son lasted years, as the thoughtless promise “I always come back” the young toddler took literally. He waited years for this person to come back. No explanation from me seemed to work, only time has helped and I am still left with some separation anxiety, and worries about abandonment.
I have been on dates since that time. Get back on the horse and try again and all that. But, I am reluctant to get serious because of what happened and have found myself increasingly picky about who passes muster. Perhaps gravitating toward unavailable people is a way of protecting myself from getting hurt, but it hurts all the same.
I hope this year enables me to find someone willing to work with me and see the diamond underneath the damaged exterior and is willing to stand by me as I rediscover my strengths because I do have a lot to offer and I do believe in true love.
I am an optimist at heart and I can’t stop believing somewhere there are people out there who can appreciate a sensitive kind soul who just wants to love and be loved in return. Not looking for someone with wealth or to be taken care of, just someone to share the journey.
Good luck to all, and much happiness to any that pass this way. I love love, but it is a difficult topic for me at times. Most of the time I am not lonely, but this time of year just seems to bring up the bad as well as the good.
But if I have learned anything, it is that things can always change and that the future is full of hope and that life is what you make of it and I am proud of how much writing I have been doing and of what a wonderful person my son is becoming.
Life can be hard but it can also be beautiful and I am learning to treasure the moments and see the light instead of the darkness. Because my life has been pretty blessed and I have to make myself stop and think how it could be always be worse and that my life is only getting better. I have a roof over my head and food and the love of my family and a decent income. My life is actually pretty good. Perhaps I work too much, perhaps I tend to take things for granted, perhaps I could be wiser, or more frugal at times.
Perhaps I can improve. I am trying to focus on me and improve my physical health and organize around the house, and I have been meditating and trying to learn patience and generally be a better person. I don’t know the future, but I know I have learned from my past and I feel it is time to let the past baggage go and try again. So, I am going to be braver, and take more risks.
I am also going to be smarter and think carefully before jumping into things. I am going to take my time. Time is precious but you tend to miss warning signs when you are in a hurry. And, I feel that love is very important. I want to make good memories and have no regrets.
Happy New Year! And a Quick Overview of My Goals and My Fight with Social Anxiety
Another year will die tonight and the new year will be born. I love New Year’s because I love the ability to start over and renew myself and who I am. I always feel like it is a good time to embrace change and forgive myself for my failings. It is a good time; a new time. And, I usually embrace it.
I feel pretty happy with life in general right now. Sometimes I feel perhaps a bit too isolated due to my constant fight with social anxiety and the ability to enjoy life and working way too much. It is funny but I love one on one interactions, it is the larger groups of people that make me nervous. I know that the crowd won’t hurt me, but the anxiety can be so intense that I have the desire to flee running from the building, and I have. I have actually ran out of more than one building. If I stay, I must really really care. A lot. Because it is sheer terror, so, if I stay for you, yeah, it is something monumental. It means a lot, I don’t do that for many people.
I have been forcing myself to be braver and take more risks and force myself to sit in crowds in church, and other places. It is a struggle, like always, but dealing with irrational phobias usually is because they are irrational by nature.
Sometimes writing in a coffee shop can be energizing because of the conversations swirling around me but then I am separate from the crowd. I am safely ensconced by my computer while they engage in human interaction as I silently observe and take mental notes for future dialogue possibilities or character traits.
Somehow I can stay, maybe the laptop is magical. Or maybe it is my shield from the world encroaching on me, suffocating me. I am going to attempt to attend a New Year’s party, wish me luck, and partly I am doing this to attempt to end the phobia by exposure to the cause of the fear. Maybe it has helped, but the anxious feeling seems to always be there, it never goes away completely. Maybe it never will.
My motto for this year and my goals are simple. Write more, at least something daily, stay in shape, and strive to be a better human by conquering my fears and experiencing success. I also hope to find love, preferably amazing true love, but you know, maybe I am asking for a bit too much for one year. To all that pass this way, good fortune, and may your dreams come true and much success for you and your loved ones!
*hugs* from JennRae
The Infamous Jennisfora Strikes Again...or something like that 