Tag: life

Posted in Life

What’s the First Impression You Want to Give People?

Posted on by jennrae

The first impression I wish I could give people would be one of being inviting and open. In reality I can come across standoffish and reserved and a bit icy. I don’t know how to change how I come across.

I must give out a leave me the hell alone vibe. And, for a long time that is what I wanted. I have moments where I still do. I have a very limited social battery and it runs out fast.

I like to be cheerful and accommodating, but I have to be honest with myself. I do not often have the bandwidth for that, and I hate small talk. I often wish people would just say what they really mean and get to the point.

I am socially awkward at best, outright socially hostile at other times. It is a bizarre miracle that I ended up in customer service. I obviously go out of my way to be charming and sweet when I am at work, but I find I am exhausted when I come home.

Socializing online doesn’t tire me out, but it also isn’t as real. I have had trouble thinking online people were dear friends only to be reminded that they are casual acquaintances in actuality.

It was easier to have a real friend group when I was young and in a school setting. Now, it is just a bunch of friendly but distant faces, knowing and not knowing me at the same time.

I don’t have much closeness. I will be the first to admit a lot of this is my fault. Intimacy scares me, getting hurt scares me. I distance myself to keep myself safe, but I also feel alone most of the time, even in a room full of people.

I used to think of myself as a wandering alien, visiting this planet, trying to understand humankind, and mostly failing. I still feel that way sometimes. I have mistaken friendliness with more and mistaken cruelty for love.

Sometimes up is down, and down is up. Maybe that is why I get frustrated with the dance of words. People asking how I am, and not really wanting to know the answer. Telling me about the weather, when I know all ready.

People wishing me a good day, when they are just saying it out of ingrained habit and don’t really care how my day is or will be going.

I have isolated because in the past I trusted the wrong people. So now I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t trust myself to make a good call on who to let in, or not let in. So, my default is to let no one in.

Or the few in my inner sanctum, but even they don’t know the half of me, I carefully choose my words and thoughts and only give them the curated version. The sanitized version. I don’t know how to stop being so distant.

Sometimes I feel so lost I don’t know who I am, or where I begin or end. I know this much, I do peacemaker middle child role quite well, I also do caretaker doting parent.

I do pained artist quite well, but I do not know how to be happy or successful. I am my own worst enemy. And, I know that. Maybe writing this out is the first step in a new direction where I give myself permission to start over. Here is to hoping, and I honestly hope everyone that passes this way is having the best of days. I really do.

Love, JenRae

Daily writing prompt
What’s the first impression you want to give people?
View all responses

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About the Time I tried to See Frankenstein in the Theater…

Posted on by jennrae

It was late October or early November. My memory likes to play tricks with things like times and dates, so I have to write everything down. It can be annoying or frustrating to say the least.

Either way, I wanted to see Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein in the theater. I had seen Nosferatu, and I hope to see The Bride and Dracula in the theater when they come out.

Since Netflix was producing Frankenstein, it had a very limited theater run, and only two theaters in western Washington were playing it, and I didn’t buy tickets ahead of time. One theater was sold out, so that made the choice for us.

Time for a short road trip to a place called Monroe, Washington which I hadn’t heard of. Apparently, it is kind of close to Woodinville. The weather was hostile and windy, and rainy and rather foreboding. Honestly, it would have been the perfect weather to go see Frankenstein, except for the fact it knocked the power out.

There was debris and broken tree branches all along the road, and over the Hood Canal Bridge the wind was so strong I felt my little car sway and shake.

When we finally got to the theater, we decided we were a bit early, so we went across the street to a Walmart and decided to buy snacks. That was when the power went out.

Walmart had a generator so we managed to buy our snacks, but it didn’t bode well for the Galaxy Theater. Sure enough, it was out there as well. An attendant that vaguely resembled Andrew Garfield apologized to people. An inflatable spooky house lay pooled on the floor.

We didn’t pre pay, so we just left, and as soon as we made it to the Woodinville AMC where Good Fortune was playing, the power was back on in Monroe. So, we decided to drive the thirty minutes back hoping we could still see Frankenstein.

The attendant tells us the servers are still not up, and then the power goes out again. So, it was a tough call, but I had to give up. I knew it would be out on Netflix in early November, so this was my one and last opportunity.

I finally got to see it on my tv. I honestly can say it is visually stunning, and would have been magnificent on the big screen. Here is hoping it is up for some Oscars, sometimes they give the movies and additional theater run. I may yet get another chance. I enjoyed it immensely, it is still worth seeing of course. But some movies look really good on the big screen. And this would have.

We ended up because of the drive back to Monroe, missing Good Fortune at Woodinville, but catching it at the South Center Mall instead because the time lined up with the way home perfectly. And that movie was fun, and I am glad I saw it. I guess things have a funny way of working out how they are meant to.

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What skill would you like to learn?

Posted on by jennrae

There are a lot of skills I would have loved to have known in the past, from horseback riding, to fencing. Currently, I think the one I would most like would be painting or drawing more realistically. I draw and paint kind of when the mood strikes and let my imagination guide me to do whatever it wants.

If I try to draw or paint what I see it always ends up kind of a twisted flat version and not what I was picturing in my mind’s eye. I don’t really have the patience to do photo realistic work.

It takes a lot of time and small movements, and I have always been an outline and broad strokes type of artist. I guess if I wanted to do this badly enough, I could invest time and energy into it and probably get closer to realism.

So, on that note, I would have to say that maybe deep down, my desire for this skill isn’t that deep. Maybe a part of me likes the fact that I just wing it; that I let my mind decide what it wants to draw and that it is more stylistic than realistic.

Maybe a part of me is afraid to live and breathe reality. I have always been a bit of a dreamer and like to speculate and wander in my head to worlds unknown. Maybe realism isn’t really who I am, deep down.

I guess another skill I wish I could learn is managing stress and anxiety. I have learned how to do it somewhat. I certainly could be better at it. I have tools I use, but there are days where I could use a shoulder to cry on, or where I just reached my limit.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to not let people down, and sometimes, I cause that very thing to happen. I don’t like letting people down or making mistakes. But it is part of being human, and something that will happen. I wish it didn’t derail me so much. I wish I could just shrug it off and go about my day.

It bothers me when I let someone down, or make additional work for someone. It bothers me if I add stress or problems when I want to be helpful and take the burdens off people’s shoulders. Ultimately, it doesn’t do me or anyone else any good dwelling on the past or what went wrong. Only learning from it and trying not to make the same mistake is all that I can do.

I know I am far from perfect. I like to think I am quirky and charming in my own nerdy way, but I am not under the illusion that I am perfect, or even special or particularly talented in any one thing. I am and do strive to be a good person, to be kind, and caring, and to do the right thing. I try my best, and sometimes it isn’t good enough, and other times it is. I think it is important to not give up.

There are times where being stubborn isn’t the answer though. There are times when giving up is the right thing. I guess I would love to have the skill to communicate clearly with people and be charming enough that they would listen without the social anxiety or nervousness getting in the way.

I would like to do more than survive, but actually thrive in this world. I want to be seen and appreciated on some level, but I have a lot of fear that holds me back. I would most like to finish what I start. That follow through is really what holds me back sometimes.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Would Your Life Be Like Without Music?

Posted on by jennrae

I am listening to music as I write this. I often use music to write. Sometimes it sets a mood or inspires an idea or even can inspire me to go in a completely different direction. I like shuffling playlists. I enjoy the randomness.

Without music, life would be a lot quieter. My son is in a hard rock/metal/grunge band. So, there are guitar picks and instruments all over the place. So, I suppose I would have more space. I think life would be a lot more dull.

Maybe I would replace it with painting or some other artistic outlet. Maybe I would read more. Right now I am in the middle of so many books. I have like the reading equivalent of ADHD. Maybe I would finish writing a novel and have it be good. I don’t know though, because music is so integral to my process. I can’t imagine how I would do it. Or who I would be for that matter.

People who don’t like any music at all are kind of odd. I guess they have other hobbies. Maybe I would be into Anime. But then there is music in that. Maybe I would be more into color. That is the only thing that makes sense.

I would have to replace it with something else that affects mood. Maybe I’d have more pets. They are positive for mood, although one of my cats doesn’t like me to get any writing or recording done whatsoever. I couldn’t imagine having more like her and getting anything done. I like to listen to music when I clean the house too.

And it makes longer car rides enjoyable. If I still resembled me, I suppose I would go further into my head and just think internal musings and thoughts a lot more. When I rode public transit before I had earbuds I would take a book and sometimes just daydream out the window. I got some good short story ideas that way actually.

Eavesdropping on the other passengers and hearing snippets of their lives and how they interacted. I was like an alien studying earthlings and how they work. I was the type and still am if I am being honest, to put up high walls with most people. I don’t let many in, and it takes me a while to trust people. It is partly my personality, and partly from some not so great past experiences.

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How Do I Relax?

Posted on by jennrae

I can relax in a few different ways. Sometimes it is as simple as taking a nap, or reading a book. Also, taking a hot bath with scented candles and just closing my eyes and letting my mind forget about everything is good.

Meditation can be good for stress relief. It can be hard to shut down my thoughts and it can take a bit to get to a place where I can just be.

When I get there though, it is peaceful and I can just imagine myself laying on a beach listening to the surf come in and out, rhythmically matching my breathing. I can smell the salt in the air and feel the cool breeze from the gentle wind. I can almost hear the seagulls crying.

I have a vivid imagination, but for me that is the most peaceful place I can just exist. Another option is in a wooded clearing with a creek or a brook going by and hearing the water rushing about and the songbirds chirping in the trees. I can just listen to the sounds of nature, very soothing.

Being outside and at the park is good as well. I like anywhere where I won’t be bothered by lots of people. I am not the most sociable. I need a lot of alone time to just chill.

Another way to relax for me is to watch a movie and eat ice cream. Something that is fun but doesn’t require too much thinking if I am stressed. It depends on my mood what I will watch. Sometimes I will binge a tv show if I have a lot of time and don’t feel well.

Or binge it over time, an episode a day. Also, timed writes or just journaling my thoughts or doodling little sketches can be relaxing for me. Sometimes I just need to get the thoughts out and then things are good.

Spending time with the kitties is a good stress reliever too. There is nothing quite like the unconditional love of a pet. They accept you as you are right now, no questions asked. They love you and don’t get annoyed very often, or for very long anyway. And, mine seem to know when I am having a rotten day.

They just know to be sweeter than normal. Especially the older cat. She will let you hug her, and cry into her fur, and she will purr and let you do it. She would have been an amazing therapy cat if she wasn’t so scared of people she doesn’t know. She is like a living stuffed animal, she will let you pick her up and hold her and she loves attention. She is like a Ragdoll breed in temperament.

The other one, is nice when she wants something from you. A little bit more transactional with KitKat, but if I am having a terrible time, she seems to be a bit nicer too.

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What’s Your Favorite Time of Day?

Posted on by jennrae

My favorite time of day will depend on which day of the week. I like Saturday afternoons because I am done with work for sure and have the rest of the day to figure out what I would like to do.

I tend to do a lot of laundry and household stuff on Sunday and can’t stay up late because I work Monday morning, so on Sundays I like when I just get up and get that first cup of coffee. The rest of the day is still ahead and I feel well rested and am just enjoying that early sunshine and kitty cat love. They love to snuggle on Sundays because I never work on Sundays anymore.

The rest of the week my favorite time would be from 6pm to 9pm, I have gotten away from work and the uniform and have dealt with or am dealing with dinner. It is usually when I have time to watch a movie. I do most of the posting on the weekend, and most of my blog posts too. But the actually watching is done sporadically throughout the week.

Mondays are usually extra hectic for me because my son has some activities that he does. Although, the day is coming when he won’t need me to shuttle him around. He hardly does right now. So, I don’t mind.

There are times when my favorite time is the little bit of downtime as I am laying in bed going to sleep. Sometimes I will dream or think of how I would like things to be, sometimes I will try to just not think about anything at all. Just everything being quiet and still. It can be really peaceful no matter what has happened earlier.

Even lunchtime can be great because it isn’t much but I do get to see my son and the cats for a bit and get away from work. It is a nice break. I guess there isn’t one set time that is my favorite. Just time with my kitties and my son is my favorite time no matter where it lands during the day.

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Tell Us About the Last Thing You Got Excited About…

Posted on by jennrae

The first thing that comes to mind is the Spacehog show. I had wanted to see them since I was a teenager, so seeing them now was a better late than never experience. And, it did not disappoint. I truly felt like it was definitely a highlight. They put on a high energy show and hadn’t seemed to have aged a whole lot. It is more of an experience rather than a thing however.

There was this dress at Nordstrom’s in 2007 that was a sort of watercolor floral print that I fell in love with. But it was expensive. Expensive to me at least. Probably 200 to 300 dollars which is more than I have ever paid for an item of clothing by a long shot. Needless to say, I didn’t buy it although I wanted to.

Ever since whenever I am in a thrift store, I look for this dress. Every time. I have gotten close a few times, but it is never quite it. It is like true love, I seek it, and I get close but not quite. I still hope I will run into this dress randomly, at the right time in the right place. I have searched online for it. I have looked into the windows of shops. I have even tried to look at Nordstrom’s website. It is elusive, but it haunts me.

I live in such an isolated area that hoping something magical arrives here is unlikely, but I continue to hope because I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I cannot help it. It is a part of my fabric to dream of the impossible and wish it to become reality. I have done that since I was a child. It is what draws me to writing.

Another thing I was excited about was my novel. When I was writing it I was on air, and I just wanted to write constantly. I was obsessed and if I didn’t have to work and eat I would have probably not stopped. It was only after it was finished that I saw the flaws and problems with it. No one could or would continue to read it. It crushed me. It seemed so wonderful and perfect while I was doing it.

When the dust settled I realized it was a meandering behemoth which could not, would not be corralled or tamed. I could not get it to work. It was thrown in the closet to rot for years. I have only recently dusted it off again. And, oddly, I can see the charm of it again. I can also see the issues. But, there are some gemstones amidst the rubble. I can see a glint here and there of the beauty of it that I had forgotten.

As far as objects go, it has been a while since an item got me excited. Certain people can and do, but stuff is stuff. It is hard for me to get excited about stuff, but when I find a movie I have been searching for, or put together my new shelving unit, it is exciting for a moment in time. I recently acquired Memento, which I had been searching for.

I was excited about that. I had just started to give up hope and then it was there, staring back at me from the shelf at Goodwill. It was kind of like I won a prize. My persistence paid off. It was worth waiting for. I could have just bought it on Amazon. I almost did. It feels better to find it in the wild though. Something about the hunt can be exhilarating. Clicking a button just isn’t the same.

I am still waiting for that dress to turn up, and a certain someone to pop up. I like to think I will know when I find it, and it will be amazing. Life is good. It only gets better from here. I am feeling optimistic. Being patient is hard for me, but I am learning that sometimes that is what I have to do.

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What Do You Love About Where You Live?

Posted on by jennrae

The area I live is very beautiful and close to all kinds of nature. It is the lavender capital of North America, and has three festivals from March to July. August and September are amazing months and the fall is my favorite time of year. If you want to see the city, it isn’t too far away. It is a short drive to Seattle, even shorter to the mall in Silverdale.

There are a lot of bike paths as well and it is pretty walkable. It can be a bit boring for the young people, and house prices are getting kind of expensive around here.

I feel like I’m slowly being priced out of where I grew up because there are so many people here from California, and Portland, and Seattle. Prices have been climbing, even rental prices have went up quite a bit. But, I plan on staying as long as I can afford to. We have mountains, and lakes nearby, on either side of us, plus other towns like Port Angeles and Port Townsend that can be fun to visit. Mostly though, I really like the proximity to the wilderness. I like all the trees. I like all the lavender everywhere.

Do I sometimes wish there were more of a music scene or more things to do? Sure. But, in the end there is a pretty cool park that is free that I can draw or write in, and plenty of coffee shops to bring the laptop to get away from KitKat who is presently demanding that I go to bed, immediately.

It is peaceful for the most part and crime isn’t bad. We are kind of isolated, even by Washington State standards, off on the Olympic Peninsula. But I sort of like that. I like that you have to discover us or get off the beaten path to figure out we’re here. It is like a secret. You have to get a secret invitation or know someone who knows someone to find out about us.

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What is a Word That Too Many People Use?

Posted on by jennrae

There are a few words I can think of off the top of my head. The Word “like” being the obvious one. I hear a lot of people use it as a filler word the way some use the noise “umm” to fill in the space while they look for the word they actually want to use.

I have a lot of issues with “like” as a filler word. The obvious one is it annoys the crap out of me because the word no longer has any meaning, and if you actually are trying to use “like” to mean “like” it can get confusing because of how overused it is. The whole point of communication is to communicate, after all.

My other issue is that it makes the person automatically sound silly and like they are using “valley girl” speech, which is difficult to take seriously.

Some people think southern U.S. accents make people seem unintelligent. I personally don’t think so, I think they take their time, but that doesn’t signify unintelligence to me. Valley girl speech however, does sound unintelligent.

It sounds like you didn’t focus in school, don’t know many words, and that you may be a bit on the younger side. Although I have heard a 40 year old talk like this so this is a stereotype for sure.

So in addition to the overused “like” I have also noticed an uptick in the increasing use of the word “right.” Right is less obnoxious and less likely to cause me to judge you, but I have noticed it trending as a not quite filler word, so much as an “I agree with you so much” term.

For example I was training someone, a perfectly capable, intelligent, very nice person. So, I am not judging them for this, it is just the first example I can recall of this, but I am seeing it more and more in conversations.

Every time I would suggest or say anything, this person would say, “I know, right?” At first it was like, okay, it is a phrase. That’s fine. But it kept happening. Over three days, I would hear, “I know, Right.” Or sometimes, just ‘Right?” Implying, I know, right? And, now I can’t unhear it. Especially at work, I heard it the other day, and it sticks out to me.

It isn’t as overused as “like.” But, it is trending up. I feel like for me it sticks out especially. It is a phrase designed to inspire camaraderie, or agreement. It isn’t bad per se. Just being the way I am, I like to vary my speech a bit. I don’t want to get stuck using the same phrase over and over.

My mind tends to get suspicious of people being nice or kind, and I tend to then think why is this person telegraphing so hard that they are on my side? Why are they agreeing so much? Are they just that agreeable or are they not really listening?

It does seem kind of an autopilot type of phrase, something one might add when they don’t have an opinion or don’t know what to say. It is ultimately harmless. And I feel weird complaining about a phrase that inspires people to agree with one another, and not argue. It seems wholesome.

I guess I am suspicious of those that agree without asking follow up questions. I also am reluctant to fall into a catchphrase type of trap because I like diversity in my words. It seems like it would be easy to fall into this one because it is so agreeable and harmless.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Brings You Peace?

Posted on by jennrae

I am thinking peace of mind. I do not have the power to enact peace on earth, and I have too much peace and quiet these days to want more of that. Sometimes reading a good book, or even a nice nap will bring me momentary peace. Meditation can do wonders as well. Sometimes music can bring me peace.

Lavender oil is very calming and peaceful. I have a ceramic stone I will put drops on for the cats if I know someone is coming over or something major is going on. Fireworks were particularly stressful recently for them.

Sometimes day dreaming can be soothing if I am able to do it, and can bring me peace. Or writing; it can be peaceful. Sometimes the timed writings where you don’t stop and think and correct things are the best for that because there is no pressure to fix anything. It just is.

I feel like I need some more internal peace. I get stressed over financial things easily and tend to want to put my head in the sand even though I know that isn’t helpful or even good idea.

Sometimes a good hearty meal or time with family or loved ones can bring me peace of mind. Just knowing there are people that care about you and think about you can be an amazing feeling. It is easy to overlook or forget this.

It is easy to take people for granted for always being there, until one day they aren’t. And then I am plagued with questions like why didn’t I visit more, or why did I let the minutiae of life get in the way of telling or showing someone I care? And now it is too late. I put off visiting and now I’ll never get to.

How many dear friends have I allowed to drift away because I just stopped reaching out? One is too many, and I have a terrible habit of getting lost in the grind. And, then when I need a shoulder to cry on, everyone has moved on and the dust has settled on all the memories and all I have left is peace and quiet. The kind of peace that I do not need more of.