Posted in Uncategorized

Tell Us About the Last Thing You Got Excited About…

The first thing that comes to mind is the Spacehog show. I had wanted to see them since I was a teenager, so seeing them now was a better late than never experience. And, it did not disappoint. I truly felt like it was definitely a highlight. They put on a high energy show and hadn’t seemed to have aged a whole lot. It is more of an experience rather than a thing however.

There was this dress at Nordstrom’s in 2007 that was a sort of watercolor floral print that I fell in love with. But it was expensive. Expensive to me at least. Probably 200 to 300 dollars which is more than I have ever paid for an item of clothing by a long shot. Needless to say, I didn’t buy it although I wanted to.

Ever since whenever I am in a thrift store, I look for this dress. Every time. I have gotten close a few times, but it is never quite it. It is like true love, I seek it, and I get close but not quite. I still hope I will run into this dress randomly, at the right time in the right place. I have searched online for it. I have looked into the windows of shops. I have even tried to look at Nordstrom’s website. It is elusive, but it haunts me.

I live in such an isolated area that hoping something magical arrives here is unlikely, but I continue to hope because I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I cannot help it. It is a part of my fabric to dream of the impossible and wish it to become reality. I have done that since I was a child. It is what draws me to writing.

Another thing I was excited about was my novel. When I was writing it I was on air, and I just wanted to write constantly. I was obsessed and if I didn’t have to work and eat I would have probably not stopped. It was only after it was finished that I saw the flaws and problems with it. No one could or would continue to read it. It crushed me. It seemed so wonderful and perfect while I was doing it.

When the dust settled I realized it was a meandering behemoth which could not, would not be corralled or tamed. I could not get it to work. It was thrown in the closet to rot for years. I have only recently dusted it off again. And, oddly, I can see the charm of it again. I can also see the issues. But, there are some gemstones amidst the rubble. I can see a glint here and there of the beauty of it that I had forgotten.

As far as objects go, it has been a while since an item got me excited. Certain people can and do, but stuff is stuff. It is hard for me to get excited about stuff, but when I find a movie I have been searching for, or put together my new shelving unit, it is exciting for a moment in time. I recently acquired Memento, which I had been searching for.

I was excited about that. I had just started to give up hope and then it was there, staring back at me from the shelf at Goodwill. It was kind of like I won a prize. My persistence paid off. It was worth waiting for. I could have just bought it on Amazon. I almost did. It feels better to find it in the wild though. Something about the hunt can be exhilarating. Clicking a button just isn’t the same.

I am still waiting for that dress to turn up, and a certain someone to pop up. I like to think I will know when I find it, and it will be amazing. Life is good. It only gets better from here. I am feeling optimistic. Being patient is hard for me, but I am learning that sometimes that is what I have to do.

Posted in Fiction, Uncategorized, Writing

The Search For Happiness

She knew she had to return to the village soon, before anyone worried too much. She sighed, wiping the wetness from her face looking away from the sky, refocusing on the earth at her feet. Dreaming was the slow death. Time drifts slower in a dream, but there are so many happy moments there making reality seem so careless.

“You dream too much”, her mother chided her, “Some day you won’t wake up, and then what will we do? We will miss our beautiful daughter, lost to the winds and clouds forever. One must stay rooted in the ground. This is where people belong, not in silly dreams.”

She felt at home in the dreams. In the dreams there were many people, and they all tipped their hats, and curtsied to her. She had the best food and there was a boy who would dance with her, and make the light dance between them. Out of the dream, this person didn’t exist, or perhaps she just hadn’t met him yet. But she could dream.

In the dream she lived in a castle with spires, and tapestries, and full of other magical things. In the dream everyone was courteous. Sometimes her dreaming would get in the way of her chores, and she would be scolded by a sharp word or even a slap. But this didn’t bother her too much. Every chance she got she would sleep, even for only a little while, and once her eyes were closed, she could dance, and smile, and laugh.

Her life was simple, and she was happy with her dreaming. Her mother shook her head, but other than that, said nothing. Her teachers in school shook their heads, and would tell her to concentrate on this world, and she would blush as laughter from the other students erupted around her.

“One day this would change”, her father said, “You will grow out of dreaming, and make a decent wife to a good man, and have children. And maybe tend a garden like most women. Or perhaps you will become a learned scholar traveling the world, oh wait, that sounded way too dreamish, never mind that.”

Everyone knew she got the crazy dreaming from his family. Sometimes her father dreamt too, but his dreams were different from hers, mostly filled with monuments, and machines and a crazy urban landscape far removed from the country life style around the mountain.

Her mother dreamt of her children’s future. The grandchildren would be perfect in every way, her daughter would not only marry a good man, but a rich one who would treat the family as his own, showering them with gifts at every turn. It was a good dream, but her mother was secretly ashamed to dream such silly nonsense.

“Adults shouldn’t dream at all”, she said,”Merely do their duty, and make sure everything goes in its same steady stream. Dreams interrupt life, take away from it, dreams could be dangerous.” Her mother was against anything that was dangerous.

It was on an ordinary day where everyone did everything they had been doing, same as the day before, when some strangers came into town. These strangers declared that there was gold down the river, a lot of gold to any who had the hands to grab it, and life was good in the valley. Much better than on the mountain.

The girl listened to the wind, and it sounded like it was crying. Her mother just shook her head, but there was something sad about her eyes. Her father saw his machines, but not the monuments and stayed with the mountain. The girl went to the men with the gold, while her family watched transfixed as if in a dream, and she climbed into their carriage with a helping hand, headed  for the valley, leaving her family and school behind.

Her thoughts were simple enough. Perhaps the boy lived in the valley, and that was why she hadn’t met him and danced with the light in the castle. There would never be a castle on the mountain, she knew that with a certainty that made any reservations subside.

The men gave her bright cheery apples to eat, and she kicked her legs freely from the back of the wagon, watching her parents recede ever smaller. They made their way to the valley quickly, night falling about the same time they entered the gates. The valley had a river bleeding through it, as if from a deep wound to the earth, or like the earth was crying over the loss of the sky, forever parted, yet so terribly near.

She thanked the men, and jumped off the carriage without a care in the world. She knew there would be no turning back, she could not go home and expect to find her mother shaking her head. It was much too late for that.

She went looking for love, along the river, while the men looked for gold. The men got some of what they wanted, but never seemed to be content with the amount of gold from the river, and it gave less and less with each passing day. Soon the men started talking of developing the mountain, that the real gems would be found there. By the time the girl heard of this she was all ready too far removed from the men and their dreams of gold.

She was looking for something else, and hadn’t found it yet. She went to the valley town, and introduced herself politely enough, they handed her a broom, and told her to earn her living, and that nothing came for free.

She soon became disappointed, there were no castles here. She cried at night missing her family, her friends, and even the men with the carriage. But she could not go back. She knew that road was barred to her. She didn’t dream that night, and the boy did not come to dance with her.

The next night. there was no dream. Years past, and she was merely a woman instead of a girl, and she couldn’t dream. Dream of what? Gold? Men? Neither were what they seemed. Once had, she needed more, this wasn’t what she was looking for. She no longer knew the face of the boy, or the many people who would curtsy or tip their hats.

She began to feel sadness, and walked along the barren street, with her broom. When she looked up, she found a young man looking at her funny. “Why are you looking at me, like that?”

“Hmm?” he mumbled. “I thought I was dreaming. Is there anything to do here?” Dreaming. Of course, she remembered now, and she felt she was way too old, but then, maybe she wasn’t. She looked at her hands, and was startled to remember that she was still a young woman, not a girl, but far from old. When she stopped dreaming, she had aged years, but the young man reminded her of what it was to live in the realm of ideas, and she was grateful.

It was only after he left that she realized he was the boy, the one from her dream. She knew nothing about him, and she could see her mother shaking her head, dangerous. Still, she followed, wondering why he was here, and where he was going.

He was civil to her, and talked to her freely once she caught up to him. He seemed truly content with what he had, and she was amazed. She had never met anyone content before, just those striving for more. When asked about where he was from he turned to her in astonishment, “Have you not heard of the land to the West? It is where the dreamers live looking for knowledge of those who came before.”

She asked softly, “Can you take me there?”

He looked at her anew, and said, “What is it you do here? Sweep?”

“Yes,” she answered, blushing toward the ground. It was then, that he introduced her to his friends, and his wife, and she stopped in mid dream, horror struck.

How could someone else claim her dream? Yet, he was content with what he had, and wasn’t a dream at all, but a person. He told her he couldn’t take her to the land in the west, but that maybe someone could show her the way. He left her there, not knowing of her dreams,  which seemed so silly to her now, all the dancing was gone, and she suddenly felt very old.

She looked to the west, and began to walk down the river, away from the valley town, in the direction he had pointed. She couldn’t help dreaming again.

Seeing the young man in the flesh had forced her to remember what the dreams were like as she walked away letting the broom fall to the ground. Perhaps there was another young man, and that one could be her dream. She knew that wasn’t right, that it was a matter of timing, and place, and she would also have to learn how to be content with what she had in order to find him. Meanwhile, she would look for the land of dreams to the west.

 

 

 

Posted in Life, Writing

Spring Is Here… Or Another Post on Renewal

It is now Sunday evening and I have a long week ahead of me working in a new environment which always makes me strangely nervous. I am always most comfortable with routine and the expected but I know part of growing as a person is being able and willing to take risks. Which means getting uncomfortable at times.

I generally like spring. It is a time of renewal, a time for change, and growth and new things coming up out of the ground. The days start to get a little longer, it rains a lot which can be soothing. It isn’t hot or cold, although it can be windy here. It is another opportunity to check in with your life, where you are at and where you want to get to.

Spring cleaning and starting over and getting organized is something I always attempt. Every year I tell myself I am going to do better and more than the year before, but I always seem to fall short. I think this year I will set my goals  more realistically. I want to organize my desk, and grow this blog and make progress on both novels.

Even if it is just a few pages or a few hundred people more, that is something. I am going in the right direction. I would love to eventually make an income with  my writing instead of working myself to death. Here’s to the future. May it be bright and give you all happiness and success to any that pass this way.

I believe in being grateful and hopeful for myself and others. I really believe that a person’s thoughts and actions can have a real effect and power on what happens around them. It certainly can’t hurt, so I do my best at spreading positivity wherever I can.

*Hugs* JennRae.

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Happy Valentine’s Day — The Day After

I have  mixed feelings this time of year. I miss having a partner or a shoulder to lean on and this particular day always seems to make me more self conscious that I am a single mom. I know if I wanted someone with a pulse I could have someone easily.

I am not bad to look at, I would even call me pretty. I am fairly intelligent. Not the smartest person I know, but I would still think I am above average for sure. I try to be kind, respectful and understanding. Do I always succeed? No, but that is part of being human.

We are flawed, but I have always believed doing your best was good enough and all one can expect. I like to reach for the stars, but I don’t beat myself up for not quite getting there. Because I know that isn’t realistic.

But somehow when it comes to dating and finding someone; I am way too picky, and I just don’t find many people I can relate to. And, often when I do, they are either taken, or not interested, or somehow unavailable emotionally or somehow unable to show affection in some capacity.

I guess my picker is broken as they say. I guess I feel I have to be picky because the last serious relationship I had ended unexpectedly and suddenly for me. The signs were there, if I had been paying attention. Little hints, comments mixed within casual conversation, a sudden edginess or irritability that when I asked what was wrong I was told repeatedly “nothing.”

Of course, something was wrong, but the communication pathways were all ready being shut. The escape plan was all ready set in motion. The replacement was all ready found. When the end came, I didn’t see it. Maybe because I didn’t want to, maybe because he didn’t want me to.

People often don’t want to hurt my feelings because I seem nice. What they fail to understand is, not telling me, not explaining things, walking away without explanation or any sort of closure, does way more damage than hurting my feelings.

Your mind does crazy things when you have no answers. You tend to fill in the blanks with reasons and excuses. You tend to make up reasons, and you wonder what is happening and how all this came to be.

Eventually things fade, and go away, but the damage in this instance was pretty bad. The collateral damage done to my young son lasted years, as the thoughtless promise “I always come back” the young toddler took literally. He waited years for this person to come back. No explanation from me seemed to work, only time has helped and I am still left with some separation anxiety, and worries about abandonment.

I have been on dates since that time. Get back on the horse and try again and all that. But, I am reluctant to get serious because of what happened and have found myself increasingly picky about who passes muster. Perhaps gravitating toward unavailable people is a way of protecting myself from getting hurt, but it hurts all the same.

I hope this year enables me to find someone willing to work with me and see the diamond underneath the damaged exterior and is willing to stand by me as I rediscover my strengths because I do have a lot to offer and I do believe in true love.

I am an optimist at heart and I can’t stop believing somewhere there are people out there who can appreciate a sensitive kind soul who just wants to love and be loved in return. Not looking for someone with wealth or to be taken care of, just someone to share the journey.

Good luck to all, and much happiness to any that pass this way. I love love, but it is a difficult topic for me at times. Most of the time I am not lonely, but this time of year just seems to bring up the bad as well as the good.

But if I have learned anything, it is that things can always change and that the future is full of hope and that life is what you make of it and I am proud of how much writing I have been doing and of what a wonderful person my son is becoming.

Life can be hard but it can also be beautiful and I am learning to treasure the moments and see the light instead of the darkness. Because my life has been pretty blessed and I have to make myself stop and think how it could be always be worse and that my life is only getting better. I have a roof over my head and food and the love of my family and a decent income. My life is actually pretty good. Perhaps I work too much, perhaps I tend to take things for granted, perhaps I could be wiser, or more frugal at times.

Perhaps I can improve. I am trying to focus on me and improve my physical health and organize around the house, and I have been meditating and trying to learn patience and generally be a better person. I don’t know the future, but I know I have learned from my past and I feel it is time to let the past baggage go and try again. So, I am going to be braver, and take more risks.

I am also going to be smarter and think carefully before jumping into things. I am going to take my time. Time is precious but you tend to miss warning signs when you are in a hurry. And, I feel that love is very important. I want to make good memories and have no regrets.

Posted in Fiction, Uncategorized, Writing

A belated Birthday post for Edgar Allen Poe and Philip Jose Farmer

philip-jose-farmerBoth gentlemen were born in late January. Poe on the 19th and Farmer on the 26th. Both have influenced the genre of Science Fiction, and both were very interesting individuals.

The real cause of Poe’s death is still unknown, although alcoholism is the one that I hear the most. Still, his short stories along with his contemporary Nathaniel Hawthorne, influenced my own quite a bit. Most of them tended to be “Gothic” a precursor to horror and suspense. But he did write a few that could be called science fiction-like and actually he did influence Jules Verne. Poe was actually more popular in Europe than America. He was a literary critic, so he made some enemies of his fellow American writers. Longfellow was an example of this.

I once edited the science-fiction section of an E zine which no longer exists called Nevermore Magazine, named after the line in his poem The Raven, probably his best known work still. Even “The Simpson’s” covered it in a Halloween special. His contribution to genre fiction extends to the detective genre as he influenced Sir Arthur Conan Doyle who wrote the Sherlock Holmes stories.

I always found his short stories, another thing he popularized in America, to be dark, brooding and a little bit melancholy. “The Fall of the House of Usher” has always been one of my favorites. It is just haunting, and tragic, and it is like all the characters are destined to this final ending, which they can’t avoid. They are all stuck, inexorably drawn into the destruction of the house and the family all in that one moment.

The Raven is also rather sad. Death is a frequent theme in his work. I think the reason I like Hawthorne, is a lot of his short stories in “Twice Told Tales” are a bit more light-hearted, or magical. They aren’t all doom and gloom, although some deal with ghosts and the like, his writing tends to be more hopeful. Less dark. When there is darkness, it is mostly attributed to the Puritans, and their religion interestingly.

Poe seems to have this darkness in the background, this sadness permeating most of his Gothic stories. I have to assume he influenced Lovecraft with the idea of making the setting itself creepy, the family residence of Usher and the town in The Shadow Over Innsmouth both take on a creepiness beyond any action of the characters themselves.

The Masque of the Red Death is another classic, dealing with the plague and how death once let in, chooses its victims at random. Of course the Pit and the Pendulum and The Black Cat deal with suspense. Using the sound of scratching in the wall to reveal the body  buried in the wall was pure genius. Poe often used sounds to further the horror and action.

In Usher, the scratching of the lady of the house on her coffin attempting to get out, causes the suspense. Perhaps his background of reading and writing poetry caused a  preference for sound instead of merely sight being the most important driving force of the action in these works.

Premature burial was a common thing he used to instill horror and suspense and it actually did happen back then as people could be presumed dead and buried and not actually be dead. Sometimes the most horrific fictional things can be inspired by actual events.

Part 2: Farmer, a modernizing influence on Sci-fi.

Philip Jose Farmer wrote in the sixties and seventies and beyond. He died in 2009. I have bought a few of his books in the past but I think they were all lost in my paperback trade in fiasco. He is known for introducing sex to science fiction. He also would deal with religion and would write stories under pseudonyms of fictional characters, most infamously, he used Kilgore Trout for Venus on the Half-Shell.

He had originally got permission from Vonnegut to use his character, but offended him in the end, so he couldn’t use it again. There is a daring in his choosing to write this way, and he also did mash-ups of genres, blending Melville’s Moby Dick into science fiction, using a descendant of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Nothing was sacred. He used Jesus as a character as well.

Heinlein thanks him in the forward to A Stranger in a Strange Land, which deals with sexual themes as well, and that makes sense as I learn more about Farmer. I read Stranger, and when I first read it I wasn’t sure I liked it, when I read it again, and then read Left Hand of Darkness again as well, it all sort of clicked with me. Farmer opened some doors that were closed to sci-fi before. He broke barriers on what was considered off limits or taboo.

Some considered him a great writer in the genre, others just another sci-fi writer among many like Frederick Pohl, Lester Del Rey, and half a dozen others who some may know or not know today.

I think I read part of one of his paperbacks before the great trade in fail, but it has been so many years. I may have to venture to my local library and see what I can find. Or perhaps find one of those awesome anthologies of works that I adore. I feel like learning about Farmer helps fill in some of the many gaps in my science fiction education  between H.G.Wells and Jack Vance. So much to learn, so little time.

We are all just adding our own stories to the human story, and the more we know where we came from, the more we can know where we are going. The pioneers of the past assist the pioneers of the future. I truly believe knowledge is power. We are influenced by the past and we influence the future and I believe additional knowledge and resources into past writers actually inspires us to push the envelope and to keep on creating this tapestry of many ideas and colors and people. I believe speculative fiction is the key to understanding the human psyche.

Speculative fiction is the descendant of philosophy or the step child of literature and philosophy. That infamous red haired step child that causes so much turmoil and activity. Causing people to think and use their brains to further thought to see what we are doing and where we are going. Not peacefully but with all the voice raising and shouting that has to be done in times like these. Keep the ideas flowing and keep writing my fellow writers.

Any of you could be the future Poe, or Farmer, or Heinlein, or Verne, or Le Guin. But best of all, you can be the best version of You, and I would like to think there will be an aspiring writer maybe writing about me and what I accomplished someday, or maybe one of you that is passing this way. I have great hope for the future. For all of us. For humanity.

 

Posted in Fiction, Uncategorized, Writing

Writing prompt 6, a poem (ps im not a poet)

Alphabet Poem

Write a 26-line poem using all the letters of the alphabet. Have the first line start with the

letter “A,” the second “B,” the third “C,” etc.

 

Admiring the view of the sunrise, red star in bloom

Basking in the sunshine and rays of love caressing the skin

Casually examining the mountains reaching for the heavens with icy fingers

Dealing with the absence of a lover feeling the love of the freedom that comes with distance

Effortless beauty of blue skies and blue eyes

Finishing a cup of coffee slowly savoring the bitter taste of being alive

Gazing at the mountain tops examining the white tops of forever

Higher than the tallest trees but oh so far away from me

If only they were nearer I could climb higher and lift myself to a higher place

Journey of the mind’s eye into a paradise where sun meets moon and dances the night away

Knocking on heaven’s door and waiting to be let in

Leaving too soon and back to earth in a rocket ship of my own making

Moon in full glory shining down upon me but oh where has my sunshine gone?

Nowhere and no one to witness this pain of separation of something so simple and true

Only one view at a time cannot have heaven and hell on earth, only one rocket to the moon

Passionately awaiting the sun with its rays of warmth to fill my cold heart

Questioning existence and the point of it all, what if this is all there is?

Reveling in the aroma of coffee mixed with flowers blooming and the endless possibilities of an unwritten future

Striving for equilibrium and security but yearning for passionate adventure

True to ourselves first, others second place which will finish first?

Universal abundance and glory can be had in dreams easily enough

Vitality like sunshine and moonbeams combined to fill my being with true love and eternal hope

Wonder at the beauty of the world and how I could be a part of it all, one piece of a million to make up a whole dream

Existence based on love and loving others while being true to the self

Yelling at society and the rules imposed on the unwilling, individuals over the group can feel the world instead of suppression

Zealous in adventure and life and living and doing and being the sun and the moon

 

 

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Automatons and Service Industry Workers, or Machines vs. the Minimum Wage Worker

Just an idea I had, as my online school had a passage on the Luddite movement. Kind of an interesting phenomenon that occurred in the early 1800s and had to do with a backlash of the industrial revolution. These Luddites as they were called were english textile workers who felt they were being replaced by less skilled workers because of new technology. No longer did business  need their skills, when they just needed someone to help run the machine.

This got me thinking to my old job at Blockbuster. As I am sure most of you are aware, finding brick and mortar video stores is getting more and more difficult. I look at the “Redbox” that is by most drugstores, and at services like Netflix as being primarily responsible. Luckily for me, I left that job before it disappeared, but still, I have a feeling of deja vu in my current employment when I completed a shift at another branch of my bank that has a younger clientele. I spent a good portion of the day watching customers go to the ATM machine. At one point theye waited in line, despite the lobby in the bank being empty. The older people would go into the bank, and deal with actual live people. But most of the younger people preferred the machine.

Another example I have seen is the self check out lines. Sure, they are quirky and you need an employee to stand there, and oversee them, and train the customer how to use them, and get them unstuck. But what happens when people are trained to use them, and it becomes a no brainer? Like using an ATM, or a Redbox? What if the glitches are all but eliminated? Where does that retail worker go?

Sure, there are workers somewhere that are employed to help build these machines. Although machine building itself is becoming increasingly automated, still someone has to make the molds to make the parts, assembly line workers need to put them together right?

Back to the Luddites then. These assembly line workers, what kind of skill do they really need? What kind of wages can a corporation get away with paying them? Are people with this skill set hard to find, or replace? I would argue no, they aren’t. Which is why companies outsource this type of work to countries where there is either no minimum wage, or the wage is much lower than the U.S. These jobs do disappear from here, and the service jobs, do become rarer.

Someday everyone will be comfortable with the ATM, which is now envelope free and can do everything from print statements, to email your balance to you. The next generation will have to figure out another way to make a living as a lot of these jobs will be gone, and the basic factory jobs will be elsewhere.

This all reminds me of one thing, which does give me some hope. There is a scene in the Fifth Element, where the main villain breaks something, and all these little robots come out to clean up the mess. he is making the argument that he is creating life out of destruction, and that he is creating more jobs by using these machines in the end. But, when he chokes on a piece of fruit, the priest points out, “Where is the robot to pat you on the back?”  As long as we still need people, all hope is not lost.