Tag: faith

Posted in Life

What’s a Moment you Wish you Could freeze and Live in Forever?

Posted on by jennrae

The phrase Live Forever makes me think of Oasis and the song. A song I listened to as a young person when all young people acted as if they would live forever in this moment. I feel like moments being finite gives them more meaning and makes them more precious.

Even memories fade and change with time. They get fuzzy and you start to fill in the blanks you don’t remember with what you wished or wanted them to be, not what they actually were. If I had just one moment that I could freeze and live in forever there are a few candidates. The one moment I would want most hasn’t happened for me yet. But I am hopeful for the future. I can almost see it and taste it.

I see myself on a beach in a certain dress with a certain pair of shoes and I look up and lock eyes with the person I know with a certainty is meant for me. That would be the moment. That moment while things aren’t real yet, but aren’t just a fantasy. The moment between reality and a dream.

The moment I know its real but the real world hasn’t compromised it or ruined it yet. I don’t know when or if that moment will happen. But I look forward to it and it would be enough for me.

As far as a moment that has all ready happened in my past, I would probably choose when I got to hold my son for the first time. I was scared and didn’t know what I was doing or what I would do.

I was overwhelmed with responsibility and fear that I would somehow screw this little person up. But after or before all the panicked thoughts, when I was too tired to comprehend the immensity of it all, still tired but strangely calm. The little snuffling noises and the tiny hands wanting to scratch his little face up.

The crying every time he was swaddled. I had the one baby that didn’t like his limbs pinned together. He wanted to scratch his face so badly. I had to keep these tiny mittens on his hands. I don’t know why he was into his face, maybe he didn’t like being swaddled because he couldn’t move his hands to his face.

I finally had to tell the nurse to stop doing it, because he would be upset unless it was loose enough to get his arms free. He would smack his lips like an old man. I would like that moment when he was just a warm lump on me. A peaceful moment when nothing else mattered or would matter as much again. That is a forever moment and one I will cherish until I die.

Posted in Life, Writing

Do You Believe In Destiny Or Fate?

Posted on by jennrae

I went from not really thinking about it at all, to being cynical and jaded and thinking “Is this All There is?”, back to thinking yes, there is something behind it all after all. Currently, yes, I do believe in fate or destiny. I think things happen for a reason even if we don’t understand that reason, and there does seem to be a point to it all. There have been times where I thought I should be dead now, but something intervened, somehow it wasn’t my time.

If you had told me I would still be here in my mid forties to me in my twenties, I wouldn’t have believed you. I thought I would die young, not sure how, or why, but I just didn’t feel like I belonged in this world. I never felt like I fit into any particular mold. I had trouble relating to people or making close friendships. I had trust issues that have only gotten worse.

So, why would I believe in destiny or fate now? If you asked me a few months ago I probably would have told you I don’t. But, sometimes things, or dominoes fall a certain way and change your view or thought process. And, that happened to me in November. I can’t fully explain it, not without sounding insane, but I will say, much like the butterfly effect, little things lead to bigger things, and alter one’s life path. However much I try to choose or do down a different path, I am always brought back to a certain place. I do not know the future. But, I do know what I should be doing.

There is a reason I say I am a writer, and not a published author. I am not a published author, although I would like to be someday. The good thing about that is it is a pathway that isn’t limited by age or looks, but ideas. I have ideas, I just need to follow through and put them down. I do believe I have a destiny, and I do believe there is a point to all this. I don’t claim to know it, or understand it, but I know it is there. I know where my path is supposed to lead if I can get out of my own way.