The obvious answer would be writing, but if that were true I would have a lot more done. I have a love hate thing with writing. While I am doing it in the moment it is the best feeling in the world. Getting me there is like the most difficult thing.
Once I am doing it, I am great, but getting there is difficult. I can’t explain why this is, it just is. I will put it off, and distract myself with a million other things all the while knowing I would feel better if I did some writing today. Even a timed write can brighten my mood. So, I don’t understand my reluctance or resistance that I feel before actually sitting down and writing.
I suppose it is related to my feelings of inadequacy. That my writing is terrible, or that the environment isn’t set up just so, or the mood is a little off. Or I just am not feeling what I am currently writing. I will find a way to make it not work or not worthwhile.
But if I can get sucked into the moment, then it is pure bliss. If I can get in the rhythm then there really is nothing else like it. When I am typing or writing it all seems inspired by the muses. It is only when I go back and look at it that I am like this is all nonsense crapola.
I have suffered from the perfectionist curse all my life, of nothing being good enough, so I just can’t do it at all. It is something I am fighting with still. On one level I know it is ridiculous and stupid. Doing anything is better than nothing. A half good project is better than a blank page. But, my brain isn’t run on pure logic. I am not an AI. So, the fact that I know this, but am still stuck by it, is part of the human experience that is being me.
Writing does bring me joy, so does listening to music, and driving my car with the window rolled down and feeling the wind blow my hair. Even if it is just for a moment before it gets annoying having my hair in my face. Little moments bring me joy all the time. When someone notices that I try to do my best or takes the time to complement my work even if it is mundane and boring. I do try to put thought and care into everything I do.
It is rare but sometimes people notice. Sometimes just going for a walk on a nice day enjoying the sunshine is enough to bring me joy, or having a conversation after watching a movie.
Sometimes just waking up in the morning and stretching and feeling all warm and cozy. Before you have to actually get up, that brief moment where things just seem fine and nothing has happened yet and you haven’t yet looked at the news on your phone. Just that warm feeling of waking up in a warm bed. I love that feeling.
The Infamous Jennisfora Strikes Again...or something like that 