Tag: choices

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What Experiences In Life Helped You Grow The Most?

Posted on by jennrae

The experiences that helped me grow the most were the times where I was forced to make a choice. Like when I had to leave that abusive relationship, I saw two pathways clearly, and knew I had to make a choice. When I was pregnant with my son, and I had to reach out and ask for help, something I hate doing. I don’t like being a burden, or being in a position of weakness at all, ever. So, that was difficult but I had to deal with the reality that I couldn’t do this alone.

I am a loner, I can belong to communities in games or online, but there is a safe distance there. Being with people is still hard for me. I have the utmost respect for people that find it easy to be around crowds. That has never been my thing. I have gotten better at not giving into panic. That is a conscious decision I have had to make many times.

To get where I need to be I need to be able to at least fake it until I make it. I have gotten better at promoting myself, now I just need to get the product out there. I am not looking for fame or money, although enough to not worry would be optimal, I am trying to put my ideas out there. That will be my legacy. And, my son who has a lot of potential, he is a special person who I believe will leave a legacy of his own.

Daily writing prompt
What experiences in life helped you grow the most?
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Write About Your First Name: It’s Meaning, Significance, Etymology, etc.

Posted on by jennrae

My first name is actually Jennifer. I do not go by it generally. At Doctor’s offices, or a substitute teacher may call me that, but I have always been a Jenny for as long as I can remember. I was actually named after a Virginia, who went by Ginny. So, it was confusing as a kid when my Mom would be talking on the phone to her sister, and I would hear Ginny and to me it sounded a lot like Jenny, and I would be like huh? And then she would be like, I am on the phone!

But, technically, it is Jennifer which I had always read was Teutonic, Germanic, meaning white wave, whatever that means. And then later when I was in my twenties or thirties, someone told me it is actually the Germanic translation of the name Guinevere, which is the French translation of the Welsh name Wanaver. I was into Arthurian legend, of course, so, yeah King Arthur’s wife obviously the most well known Guinevere there is was the ultimate Jennifer.

That did make me like my name more. Part of the reason I hated it, is I only started getting called it when I started school, and the other part was that in the seventies everybody collectively decided to name their daughter Jennifer so there were several in every class I attended in school so I had to go by Jenny N, because there all ready was a Jennifer S, and a Jenni R, and a couple Jenn’s.

It was the name, and I always wanted to be unique and different, so it was sort of a downer that I had the most common name ever. Of course, now it isn’t. My son doesn’t have a single one in his class. But at the time, it was all over the place. I tried to go by my middle name in high school but it never stuck. Although, my family does call me by it sometimes.

Jennisfora is actually one of my oldest characters I ever made up, and I realize now a pretty obvious fantasy stand in for me anyway, so my first email was jennisfora@hotmail.com, still use it. So, I have been Jennisfora for a very long time as well, although it is not my legal name.

I have always had a hate love thing for the name Jennifer, but I have made my peace with it. I used to get angry at people calling me it, my name badge at work even says Jenny, but people will still do it anyway, and now I get it. It is a decent name and it is mine. Even if it isn’t my preferred choice.

Daily writing prompt
Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
View all responses
Posted in Life, Uncategorized

It isn’t over til it’s over…or why giving up isn’t as easy as it sounds

Posted on by jennrae

I’m sitting in the coffee shop right now thinking and being all existential-like. Life has meaning, I believe this. If  I have faith in anything, it is that things happen for a reason whether we understand the reason or not. If you were to die tomorrow, and see the events of your life, would you be proud of the life you lived? Or would you be filled with regret?

Right now, I look back and feel that I have done a lot of self discovery but still not accomplished much. If I died tomorrow, I would feel like I let myself down in some ways. I didn’t try hard enough to publish my novel, didn’t get my degree, never got to see the world. But, on the other hand, I did have a beautiful son, I had several good love stories with beautiful moments. I know there are people who would miss me everyday. I treasure these memories, and I know that my time on earth hasn’t been a waste. Every experience helps shape who you are and what you will become. Every person you meet impacts you, and affects you.

It is never truly over. Life is a cycle, and even if someone leaves your life, they will come back, perhaps not in the same form, maybe not to fill the same role. But they aren’t gone. They live on in your thoughts, dreams, and wishes.

Giving up on a future, or a dream of where you thought it was all going is so very hard because you felt so sure, so certain of the destination. But, like the cliche says, the “even the best laid plans go awry.”

Nothing worth doing is easy, and giving up on a dream isn’t either. But the fantasy of being with someone isn’t the same as the dream of writing a novel, of getting a master’s degree, of seeing your child get a master’s degree. The dream of being with someone isn’t something you can make happen. It takes the other person to be in the same dream. When two people are living two separate dreams it cannot work.  And, living in a dream world will prevent you from accomplishing things in life, and increase the chance of looking back with regrets. Regret is wasted energy. The past is gone, it isn’t coming back.

I will always look back in the year I had with fondness, without regret. It was beautiful, and I know that next year will be as well. It will  be different, but that can be good. Part of life is change, and how we deal with change. So, live life, sometimes living means giving up on one dream so you can live another. The future is always hopeful, the past is always finished. The present moment is where we find the most joy, and the most lasting fulfillment, so use your time wisely. Enjoy the moments while you have them, nothing lasts forever.