Tag: blog

Posted in Life

What’s the First Impression You Want to Give People?

Posted on by jennrae

The first impression I wish I could give people would be one of being inviting and open. In reality I can come across standoffish and reserved and a bit icy. I don’t know how to change how I come across.

I must give out a leave me the hell alone vibe. And, for a long time that is what I wanted. I have moments where I still do. I have a very limited social battery and it runs out fast.

I like to be cheerful and accommodating, but I have to be honest with myself. I do not often have the bandwidth for that, and I hate small talk. I often wish people would just say what they really mean and get to the point.

I am socially awkward at best, outright socially hostile at other times. It is a bizarre miracle that I ended up in customer service. I obviously go out of my way to be charming and sweet when I am at work, but I find I am exhausted when I come home.

Socializing online doesn’t tire me out, but it also isn’t as real. I have had trouble thinking online people were dear friends only to be reminded that they are casual acquaintances in actuality.

It was easier to have a real friend group when I was young and in a school setting. Now, it is just a bunch of friendly but distant faces, knowing and not knowing me at the same time.

I don’t have much closeness. I will be the first to admit a lot of this is my fault. Intimacy scares me, getting hurt scares me. I distance myself to keep myself safe, but I also feel alone most of the time, even in a room full of people.

I used to think of myself as a wandering alien, visiting this planet, trying to understand humankind, and mostly failing. I still feel that way sometimes. I have mistaken friendliness with more and mistaken cruelty for love.

Sometimes up is down, and down is up. Maybe that is why I get frustrated with the dance of words. People asking how I am, and not really wanting to know the answer. Telling me about the weather, when I know all ready.

People wishing me a good day, when they are just saying it out of ingrained habit and don’t really care how my day is or will be going.

I have isolated because in the past I trusted the wrong people. So now I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t trust myself to make a good call on who to let in, or not let in. So, my default is to let no one in.

Or the few in my inner sanctum, but even they don’t know the half of me, I carefully choose my words and thoughts and only give them the curated version. The sanitized version. I don’t know how to stop being so distant.

Sometimes I feel so lost I don’t know who I am, or where I begin or end. I know this much, I do peacemaker middle child role quite well, I also do caretaker doting parent.

I do pained artist quite well, but I do not know how to be happy or successful. I am my own worst enemy. And, I know that. Maybe writing this out is the first step in a new direction where I give myself permission to start over. Here is to hoping, and I honestly hope everyone that passes this way is having the best of days. I really do.

Love, JenRae

Daily writing prompt
What’s the first impression you want to give people?
View all responses

Posted in Uncategorized

What skill would you like to learn?

Posted on by jennrae

There are a lot of skills I would have loved to have known in the past, from horseback riding, to fencing. Currently, I think the one I would most like would be painting or drawing more realistically. I draw and paint kind of when the mood strikes and let my imagination guide me to do whatever it wants.

If I try to draw or paint what I see it always ends up kind of a twisted flat version and not what I was picturing in my mind’s eye. I don’t really have the patience to do photo realistic work.

It takes a lot of time and small movements, and I have always been an outline and broad strokes type of artist. I guess if I wanted to do this badly enough, I could invest time and energy into it and probably get closer to realism.

So, on that note, I would have to say that maybe deep down, my desire for this skill isn’t that deep. Maybe a part of me likes the fact that I just wing it; that I let my mind decide what it wants to draw and that it is more stylistic than realistic.

Maybe a part of me is afraid to live and breathe reality. I have always been a bit of a dreamer and like to speculate and wander in my head to worlds unknown. Maybe realism isn’t really who I am, deep down.

I guess another skill I wish I could learn is managing stress and anxiety. I have learned how to do it somewhat. I certainly could be better at it. I have tools I use, but there are days where I could use a shoulder to cry on, or where I just reached my limit.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to not let people down, and sometimes, I cause that very thing to happen. I don’t like letting people down or making mistakes. But it is part of being human, and something that will happen. I wish it didn’t derail me so much. I wish I could just shrug it off and go about my day.

It bothers me when I let someone down, or make additional work for someone. It bothers me if I add stress or problems when I want to be helpful and take the burdens off people’s shoulders. Ultimately, it doesn’t do me or anyone else any good dwelling on the past or what went wrong. Only learning from it and trying not to make the same mistake is all that I can do.

I know I am far from perfect. I like to think I am quirky and charming in my own nerdy way, but I am not under the illusion that I am perfect, or even special or particularly talented in any one thing. I am and do strive to be a good person, to be kind, and caring, and to do the right thing. I try my best, and sometimes it isn’t good enough, and other times it is. I think it is important to not give up.

There are times where being stubborn isn’t the answer though. There are times when giving up is the right thing. I guess I would love to have the skill to communicate clearly with people and be charming enough that they would listen without the social anxiety or nervousness getting in the way.

I would like to do more than survive, but actually thrive in this world. I want to be seen and appreciated on some level, but I have a lot of fear that holds me back. I would most like to finish what I start. That follow through is really what holds me back sometimes.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Would Your Life Be Like Without Music?

Posted on by jennrae

I am listening to music as I write this. I often use music to write. Sometimes it sets a mood or inspires an idea or even can inspire me to go in a completely different direction. I like shuffling playlists. I enjoy the randomness.

Without music, life would be a lot quieter. My son is in a hard rock/metal/grunge band. So, there are guitar picks and instruments all over the place. So, I suppose I would have more space. I think life would be a lot more dull.

Maybe I would replace it with painting or some other artistic outlet. Maybe I would read more. Right now I am in the middle of so many books. I have like the reading equivalent of ADHD. Maybe I would finish writing a novel and have it be good. I don’t know though, because music is so integral to my process. I can’t imagine how I would do it. Or who I would be for that matter.

People who don’t like any music at all are kind of odd. I guess they have other hobbies. Maybe I would be into Anime. But then there is music in that. Maybe I would be more into color. That is the only thing that makes sense.

I would have to replace it with something else that affects mood. Maybe I’d have more pets. They are positive for mood, although one of my cats doesn’t like me to get any writing or recording done whatsoever. I couldn’t imagine having more like her and getting anything done. I like to listen to music when I clean the house too.

And it makes longer car rides enjoyable. If I still resembled me, I suppose I would go further into my head and just think internal musings and thoughts a lot more. When I rode public transit before I had earbuds I would take a book and sometimes just daydream out the window. I got some good short story ideas that way actually.

Eavesdropping on the other passengers and hearing snippets of their lives and how they interacted. I was like an alien studying earthlings and how they work. I was the type and still am if I am being honest, to put up high walls with most people. I don’t let many in, and it takes me a while to trust people. It is partly my personality, and partly from some not so great past experiences.

Posted in Uncategorized

Tell Us About the Last Thing You Got Excited About…

Posted on by jennrae

The first thing that comes to mind is the Spacehog show. I had wanted to see them since I was a teenager, so seeing them now was a better late than never experience. And, it did not disappoint. I truly felt like it was definitely a highlight. They put on a high energy show and hadn’t seemed to have aged a whole lot. It is more of an experience rather than a thing however.

There was this dress at Nordstrom’s in 2007 that was a sort of watercolor floral print that I fell in love with. But it was expensive. Expensive to me at least. Probably 200 to 300 dollars which is more than I have ever paid for an item of clothing by a long shot. Needless to say, I didn’t buy it although I wanted to.

Ever since whenever I am in a thrift store, I look for this dress. Every time. I have gotten close a few times, but it is never quite it. It is like true love, I seek it, and I get close but not quite. I still hope I will run into this dress randomly, at the right time in the right place. I have searched online for it. I have looked into the windows of shops. I have even tried to look at Nordstrom’s website. It is elusive, but it haunts me.

I live in such an isolated area that hoping something magical arrives here is unlikely, but I continue to hope because I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I cannot help it. It is a part of my fabric to dream of the impossible and wish it to become reality. I have done that since I was a child. It is what draws me to writing.

Another thing I was excited about was my novel. When I was writing it I was on air, and I just wanted to write constantly. I was obsessed and if I didn’t have to work and eat I would have probably not stopped. It was only after it was finished that I saw the flaws and problems with it. No one could or would continue to read it. It crushed me. It seemed so wonderful and perfect while I was doing it.

When the dust settled I realized it was a meandering behemoth which could not, would not be corralled or tamed. I could not get it to work. It was thrown in the closet to rot for years. I have only recently dusted it off again. And, oddly, I can see the charm of it again. I can also see the issues. But, there are some gemstones amidst the rubble. I can see a glint here and there of the beauty of it that I had forgotten.

As far as objects go, it has been a while since an item got me excited. Certain people can and do, but stuff is stuff. It is hard for me to get excited about stuff, but when I find a movie I have been searching for, or put together my new shelving unit, it is exciting for a moment in time. I recently acquired Memento, which I had been searching for.

I was excited about that. I had just started to give up hope and then it was there, staring back at me from the shelf at Goodwill. It was kind of like I won a prize. My persistence paid off. It was worth waiting for. I could have just bought it on Amazon. I almost did. It feels better to find it in the wild though. Something about the hunt can be exhilarating. Clicking a button just isn’t the same.

I am still waiting for that dress to turn up, and a certain someone to pop up. I like to think I will know when I find it, and it will be amazing. Life is good. It only gets better from here. I am feeling optimistic. Being patient is hard for me, but I am learning that sometimes that is what I have to do.

Posted in Uncategorized

What Do You Love About Where You Live?

Posted on by jennrae

The area I live is very beautiful and close to all kinds of nature. It is the lavender capital of North America, and has three festivals from March to July. August and September are amazing months and the fall is my favorite time of year. If you want to see the city, it isn’t too far away. It is a short drive to Seattle, even shorter to the mall in Silverdale.

There are a lot of bike paths as well and it is pretty walkable. It can be a bit boring for the young people, and house prices are getting kind of expensive around here.

I feel like I’m slowly being priced out of where I grew up because there are so many people here from California, and Portland, and Seattle. Prices have been climbing, even rental prices have went up quite a bit. But, I plan on staying as long as I can afford to. We have mountains, and lakes nearby, on either side of us, plus other towns like Port Angeles and Port Townsend that can be fun to visit. Mostly though, I really like the proximity to the wilderness. I like all the trees. I like all the lavender everywhere.

Do I sometimes wish there were more of a music scene or more things to do? Sure. But, in the end there is a pretty cool park that is free that I can draw or write in, and plenty of coffee shops to bring the laptop to get away from KitKat who is presently demanding that I go to bed, immediately.

It is peaceful for the most part and crime isn’t bad. We are kind of isolated, even by Washington State standards, off on the Olympic Peninsula. But I sort of like that. I like that you have to discover us or get off the beaten path to figure out we’re here. It is like a secret. You have to get a secret invitation or know someone who knows someone to find out about us.

Posted in Life, Writing

Describe One Habit That Brings You Joy

Posted on by jennrae

The obvious answer would be writing, but if that were true I would have a lot more done. I have a love hate thing with writing. While I am doing it in the moment it is the best feeling in the world. Getting me there is like the most difficult thing.

Once I am doing it, I am great, but getting there is difficult. I can’t explain why this is, it just is. I will put it off, and distract myself with a million other things all the while knowing I would feel better if I did some writing today. Even a timed write can brighten my mood. So, I don’t understand my reluctance or resistance that I feel before actually sitting down and writing.

I suppose it is related to my feelings of inadequacy. That my writing is terrible, or that the environment isn’t set up just so, or the mood is a little off. Or I just am not feeling what I am currently writing. I will find a way to make it not work or not worthwhile.

But if I can get sucked into the moment, then it is pure bliss. If I can get in the rhythm then there really is nothing else like it. When I am typing or writing it all seems inspired by the muses. It is only when I go back and look at it that I am like this is all nonsense crapola.

I have suffered from the perfectionist curse all my life, of nothing being good enough, so I just can’t do it at all. It is something I am fighting with still. On one level I know it is ridiculous and stupid. Doing anything is better than nothing. A half good project is better than a blank page. But, my brain isn’t run on pure logic. I am not an AI. So, the fact that I know this, but am still stuck by it, is part of the human experience that is being me.

Writing does bring me joy, so does listening to music, and driving my car with the window rolled down and feeling the wind blow my hair. Even if it is just for a moment before it gets annoying having my hair in my face. Little moments bring me joy all the time. When someone notices that I try to do my best or takes the time to complement my work even if it is mundane and boring. I do try to put thought and care into everything I do.

It is rare but sometimes people notice. Sometimes just going for a walk on a nice day enjoying the sunshine is enough to bring me joy, or having a conversation after watching a movie.

Sometimes just waking up in the morning and stretching and feeling all warm and cozy. Before you have to actually get up, that brief moment where things just seem fine and nothing has happened yet and you haven’t yet looked at the news on your phone. Just that warm feeling of waking up in a warm bed. I love that feeling.

Posted in Life, Writing

What’s a Job You Would Like to Do for Just One Day?

Posted on by jennrae

That’s hard to say for me because most jobs I would like to do, I would want more than one day. I suppose it would be interesting to be a magazine editor for a day. I wouldn’t get stressed out by deadlines or worry about messing anything up because I wouldn’t be around for the fallout but the process and how it works would be interesting to me.

Same with a newspaper editor or a publisher. Although being an indie publisher sounds like fun to me, I wouldn’t know how to get it up and running.

I always wanted to run my own bookstore, when I retire someday, assuming I get to retire, maybe I will. I just can’t see myself sitting around doing nothing. I like books, and movies, and would like to continue to be around them forever.

I am interested in the cultural discourse they provide. I also like to notice how things change over time. I like the history of it, and I like to see how technology alters it.

I guess being a film history professor would be fun for a day as well, as long as I don’t have to grade papers. I enjoy deep diving on things that some may not care about.

I like seeing the differences between the 1960 Magnificent 7 and the 2016 one, or even Seven Samurai which both are based on. I like watching all these Nicolas Cage movies, and writing short stories about what if situations that may or may not happen. I enjoy this sort of thing and like to think about how it works, why it works, and who it is aimed at.

I also would love being a product tester. I am one anyway, just not being paid for it. I am one of those people that has to try the Blackberry Dr Pepper. Doesn’t matter if someone tells me it is awful, I have to try it. Summer sausage Pringles, yep, gotta try it. PB and J Reese’s cups, yep, gotta try it. I am a sucker for that sort of thing. Not sure I would want to do it all the time, but one day would be fun.

Daily writing prompt
What’s a job you would like to do for just one day?
View all responses

Posted in Fiction, Life, Writing

What Job Would I Do For Free?

Posted on by jennrae

Well, I think writing I do do for free, but do I consider it a job? It is more of a past time at the moment, if something becomes a job it tends not to be fun anymore. In my experience anyhow. I am also a wannabee film critic for free. It is also not a job but something I do for fun. Technically, it costs me money because I will buy a DVD just to have the ability to compare it to another.

I suppose I do both of these for free, or at a cost because I pay for the website. The hope is someday I will get my act together and publish something and I will have a promotion network set up for it, and it will pay for itself. I am not looking to get rich, I just want to do something I enjoy and am passionate about. Movies and books are just two of the more obvious things.

It is a beautiful day here today, and I am writing from a coffee shop just to get out of the house and out of my own head a bit. I need a break from myself.

I am going to see Metropolis later and am excited to do that in a room of other like minded people. I will record a video on that experience later. I am behind uploading them. I have a ton of videos that need to live somewhere.

I have been putting them on twitter just because I have a bigger audience on there and they seem to upload faster. But I am getting disenchanted with the site lately. It is hard to get into social media after the program limits your reach and flags you for being a bot.

Plus, Elon is a constant presence there, and you can’t ignore him either. So, that has made me seriously consider Youtube. But I am such an amateur compared to the people on there. Not sure I can compete there, and I hate starting over from scratch. That is the quandary folks. Start over, or dig in. Not sure what the best option is. I suppose I could do both.

Daily writing prompt
What job would you do for free?
View all responses