Category: Life

Posted in Life

What’s the First Impression You Want to Give People?

Posted on by jennrae

The first impression I wish I could give people would be one of being inviting and open. In reality I can come across standoffish and reserved and a bit icy. I don’t know how to change how I come across.

I must give out a leave me the hell alone vibe. And, for a long time that is what I wanted. I have moments where I still do. I have a very limited social battery and it runs out fast.

I like to be cheerful and accommodating, but I have to be honest with myself. I do not often have the bandwidth for that, and I hate small talk. I often wish people would just say what they really mean and get to the point.

I am socially awkward at best, outright socially hostile at other times. It is a bizarre miracle that I ended up in customer service. I obviously go out of my way to be charming and sweet when I am at work, but I find I am exhausted when I come home.

Socializing online doesn’t tire me out, but it also isn’t as real. I have had trouble thinking online people were dear friends only to be reminded that they are casual acquaintances in actuality.

It was easier to have a real friend group when I was young and in a school setting. Now, it is just a bunch of friendly but distant faces, knowing and not knowing me at the same time.

I don’t have much closeness. I will be the first to admit a lot of this is my fault. Intimacy scares me, getting hurt scares me. I distance myself to keep myself safe, but I also feel alone most of the time, even in a room full of people.

I used to think of myself as a wandering alien, visiting this planet, trying to understand humankind, and mostly failing. I still feel that way sometimes. I have mistaken friendliness with more and mistaken cruelty for love.

Sometimes up is down, and down is up. Maybe that is why I get frustrated with the dance of words. People asking how I am, and not really wanting to know the answer. Telling me about the weather, when I know all ready.

People wishing me a good day, when they are just saying it out of ingrained habit and don’t really care how my day is or will be going.

I have isolated because in the past I trusted the wrong people. So now I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t trust myself to make a good call on who to let in, or not let in. So, my default is to let no one in.

Or the few in my inner sanctum, but even they don’t know the half of me, I carefully choose my words and thoughts and only give them the curated version. The sanitized version. I don’t know how to stop being so distant.

Sometimes I feel so lost I don’t know who I am, or where I begin or end. I know this much, I do peacemaker middle child role quite well, I also do caretaker doting parent.

I do pained artist quite well, but I do not know how to be happy or successful. I am my own worst enemy. And, I know that. Maybe writing this out is the first step in a new direction where I give myself permission to start over. Here is to hoping, and I honestly hope everyone that passes this way is having the best of days. I really do.

Love, JenRae

Daily writing prompt
What’s the first impression you want to give people?
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Posted in Life, Writing

What Would Your Life Be Like Without Music?

Posted on by jennrae

I am listening to music as I write this. I often use music to write. Sometimes it sets a mood or inspires an idea or even can inspire me to go in a completely different direction. I like shuffling playlists. I enjoy the randomness.

Without music, life would be a lot quieter. My son is in a hard rock/metal/grunge band. So, there are guitar picks and instruments all over the place. So, I suppose I would have more space. I think life would be a lot more dull.

Maybe I would replace it with painting or some other artistic outlet. Maybe I would read more. Right now I am in the middle of so many books. I have like the reading equivalent of ADHD. Maybe I would finish writing a novel and have it be good. I don’t know though, because music is so integral to my process. I can’t imagine how I would do it. Or who I would be for that matter.

People who don’t like any music at all are kind of odd. I guess they have other hobbies. Maybe I would be into Anime. But then there is music in that. Maybe I would be more into color. That is the only thing that makes sense.

I would have to replace it with something else that affects mood. Maybe I’d have more pets. They are positive for mood, although one of my cats doesn’t like me to get any writing or recording done whatsoever. I couldn’t imagine having more like her and getting anything done. I like to listen to music when I clean the house too.

And it makes longer car rides enjoyable. If I still resembled me, I suppose I would go further into my head and just think internal musings and thoughts a lot more. When I rode public transit before I had earbuds I would take a book and sometimes just daydream out the window. I got some good short story ideas that way actually.

Eavesdropping on the other passengers and hearing snippets of their lives and how they interacted. I was like an alien studying earthlings and how they work. I was the type and still am if I am being honest, to put up high walls with most people. I don’t let many in, and it takes me a while to trust people. It is partly my personality, and partly from some not so great past experiences.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Brings You Peace?

Posted on by jennrae

I am thinking peace of mind. I do not have the power to enact peace on earth, and I have too much peace and quiet these days to want more of that. Sometimes reading a good book, or even a nice nap will bring me momentary peace. Meditation can do wonders as well. Sometimes music can bring me peace.

Lavender oil is very calming and peaceful. I have a ceramic stone I will put drops on for the cats if I know someone is coming over or something major is going on. Fireworks were particularly stressful recently for them.

Sometimes day dreaming can be soothing if I am able to do it, and can bring me peace. Or writing; it can be peaceful. Sometimes the timed writings where you don’t stop and think and correct things are the best for that because there is no pressure to fix anything. It just is.

I feel like I need some more internal peace. I get stressed over financial things easily and tend to want to put my head in the sand even though I know that isn’t helpful or even good idea.

Sometimes a good hearty meal or time with family or loved ones can bring me peace of mind. Just knowing there are people that care about you and think about you can be an amazing feeling. It is easy to overlook or forget this.

It is easy to take people for granted for always being there, until one day they aren’t. And then I am plagued with questions like why didn’t I visit more, or why did I let the minutiae of life get in the way of telling or showing someone I care? And now it is too late. I put off visiting and now I’ll never get to.

How many dear friends have I allowed to drift away because I just stopped reaching out? One is too many, and I have a terrible habit of getting lost in the grind. And, then when I need a shoulder to cry on, everyone has moved on and the dust has settled on all the memories and all I have left is peace and quiet. The kind of peace that I do not need more of.

Posted in Life, Writing

Describe One Habit That Brings You Joy

Posted on by jennrae

The obvious answer would be writing, but if that were true I would have a lot more done. I have a love hate thing with writing. While I am doing it in the moment it is the best feeling in the world. Getting me there is like the most difficult thing.

Once I am doing it, I am great, but getting there is difficult. I can’t explain why this is, it just is. I will put it off, and distract myself with a million other things all the while knowing I would feel better if I did some writing today. Even a timed write can brighten my mood. So, I don’t understand my reluctance or resistance that I feel before actually sitting down and writing.

I suppose it is related to my feelings of inadequacy. That my writing is terrible, or that the environment isn’t set up just so, or the mood is a little off. Or I just am not feeling what I am currently writing. I will find a way to make it not work or not worthwhile.

But if I can get sucked into the moment, then it is pure bliss. If I can get in the rhythm then there really is nothing else like it. When I am typing or writing it all seems inspired by the muses. It is only when I go back and look at it that I am like this is all nonsense crapola.

I have suffered from the perfectionist curse all my life, of nothing being good enough, so I just can’t do it at all. It is something I am fighting with still. On one level I know it is ridiculous and stupid. Doing anything is better than nothing. A half good project is better than a blank page. But, my brain isn’t run on pure logic. I am not an AI. So, the fact that I know this, but am still stuck by it, is part of the human experience that is being me.

Writing does bring me joy, so does listening to music, and driving my car with the window rolled down and feeling the wind blow my hair. Even if it is just for a moment before it gets annoying having my hair in my face. Little moments bring me joy all the time. When someone notices that I try to do my best or takes the time to complement my work even if it is mundane and boring. I do try to put thought and care into everything I do.

It is rare but sometimes people notice. Sometimes just going for a walk on a nice day enjoying the sunshine is enough to bring me joy, or having a conversation after watching a movie.

Sometimes just waking up in the morning and stretching and feeling all warm and cozy. Before you have to actually get up, that brief moment where things just seem fine and nothing has happened yet and you haven’t yet looked at the news on your phone. Just that warm feeling of waking up in a warm bed. I love that feeling.

Posted in Life, Writing

What Are Your Daily Habits?

Posted on by jennrae

Well, there are the boring ones, getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, brewing a pot of coffee if I have the day off. If I work I just use a Keurig pod and take a cup to go. I started taking a liquid vitamin to see if it helps with my hair. It appears to be working. My hair is amazing today. Of course, I brush my hair. I use a Waterpik flosser on my teeth.

I sometimes shower in the morning but I am more likely to shower in the evening before bed. I have to feed my Cat KitKat treats in her Kong ball before I go to work. She looks like a tiny kitten but is actually five years old. I feed them a can of meat around lunchtime which for me is eleven-ish most of the time, unless I am working out of town, in which case I can’t go home for lunch.

I also feed them a can of meat in the evening around 7pm. I usually make a sandwich for my lunch and brew another cup of coffee if I am going to work.

In the evening I either cook dinner or get something quick depending on the situation. Mondays are especially hectic, as my son is still in Scouts, and he sometimes has other commitments to his band, or football or now his own work since he is old enough.

Brush and floss teeth before bed, after a shower, brush my hair again. I brush my hair around lunch time too before going back to work, it can get frizzy, especially if it is humid.

At least once a week I go for a walk. Typically I go to the gym Tuesday through Friday for about an hour. I sometimes skip Friday. I’d say, I go Fri only half the time if I am being honest.

I also try to put moisturizer on my face in the morning, I have pm stuff I use if I shower at night. I try to post a video or post a blog at least once a day, although I have been failing the poor blog.

I want to get back to writing daily but I haven’t been the best at that. Working out of town threw my routine off and It is hard to get back to it.

I usually watch something in the evening that I end up recording a video on. Definitely on the weekends. I need to schedule something fun, or different.

I have plans to rearrange my room to make it feel more cozy. If I have a good place to write I think I would write more. If I am being honest, I probably read garbage on my phone way too much. If I wasted less time, I could get a lot more done.

Daily writing prompt
What are your daily habits?
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Posted in Fiction, Life, Writing

List 3 Books That Have Had An Impact On You..Why?

Posted on by jennrae

To choose only three makes this a challenge. I would probably have to go with The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis for the first one. A teacher read it aloud to us in the fifth grade I believe and I think it was the first fantasy book I was exposed to unless you count television where I had seen cartoons of The Hobbit and The Last Unicorn. And a cartoon of The Swan Princess that made me fall in love with Tchaikovsky. I haven’t been able to find this cartoon, there is a newer version that isn’t it, but this one had a haunting melody of Swan Lake, which also reminds me of The Last Unicorn, it wouldn’t surprise me if my mind didn’t combine the two to create a cartoon that never existed, because my memories as a child were very fluid and were rarely accurate. I seemed to live in a fantasy most of the time so telling what was real and what wasn’t is hard for me.

The second book would have to be Dragonriders of Pern my Anne McCaffery. I got it in the library when I ran out of Margaret Henry horse books to read, I loved Misty of Chincoteague, so that would have been my first foray into science fiction. Following that I would go on to discover Andre Norton and Ursula K LeGuin, and eventually, Jack Vance and a whole bunch of amazing writers.

The third book I am going to go with Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, because it made me feel like I could read anything, it was the unabridged edition. It was a very thick volume, and ignited a love for classical literature and a fortitude to read to the end no matter the size of the book. It also taught me what not to do, because there are spots where it is difficult for a modern reader, and I know what doesn’t work and what does. Even great writers can make mistakes.

This was a tough call, because a lot of books have influenced me greatly. Jack Vance’s Lyonesse, George RR Martin’s A Game of Thrones, Ursula K LeGuin’s The Left Hand of Darkness, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which I read also in the fifth grade and did a book report on, Sir Thomas Mallory’s Le Morte D’Arthur, my love for Arthurian legends, and Roger Zelazny’s Chronicles of Amber. Cj Cherryh’s Cyteen. And many, many more. I could keep going.

I used to peruse thrift stores for old sci-fi fantasy books, anything with Del Rey, or Ballantine, or DAW, or Fawcett, or Tor. I had old editions of the Lord of the Rings from the 60s, a copy of 1984 from the 50s and Dune by Frank Herbert from the 70s. All of these are gone because I couldn’t go through my books when I moved and had to get rid of them in a hurry.

I still have my 60s copy of the Silmarillion because it was in my purse at the time. But that is it. I feel the loss everyday, wish I could have planned more and panicked less. But the past is the past, and I have the memories and can find the stories easily enough.

Daily writing prompt
List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?
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Posted in Life

How Do I Feel About Cold Weather?

Posted on by jennrae

I don’t mind the cold, in general. I don’t like to be out in freezing weather, but I always favor cold over heat. You can layer to keep warm or get blankets out. If you have access to a wood fire place, I always liked the imagery of snuggling near a fire drinking hot chocolate.

I can almost smell the wood smoke smell, and it reminds me of my childhood. Helping to bring in and chop firewood. Smelling the smell, feeling the warmth while it snowed outside. Having to pour buckets of hot water on the water dishes of our exotic birds so they could get something to drink.

Summer heat makes me feel lethargic; lacking energy or the will power to do anything. Getting into water is the only respite from the heat and too many times have a forgotten that one area on my forehead or the tip of my nose, or even the top of my head to cover in sunscreen, and I would have a painful sun burn that would make it uncomfortable to shower later.

I like warm days, but when it is super hot, it is oppressive to me and I just want to take a long nap and drink a ton of water. I also hate that artificial smell that comes with air conditioning, and the weirdly fake coolness it has. Not like a real breeze from an open window, but like a fake coldness. Mechanical in some way, artificial.

I will say this, I hate driving a vehicle in cold weather. Ice is worse than snow, but the lack of complete control and the other people on the road that could swerve into you at any moment makes it stressful and not pleasant. I think I loved snow as a child, making a snow man, or just messing about in it. But, now, it is pretty to look at from inside the house.

I do still like the sound of it crunching beneath my feet if it is freshly fallen snow. I do not know why, but I like the sensation. The weather lately, where I live, has been rainy. Not surprising as I am in the Pacific Northwest, which is known for rain, although I am in a town that is supposed to get less of it.

In the end, it is still Northwestern Washington state, near Canada. And rain will and does happen here. I do not mind the rain though. The sound of rain hitting a roof at night is kind of soothing.

Daily writing prompt
How do you feel about cold weather?
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Posted in Life, Writing

What’s a Job You Would Like to Do for Just One Day?

Posted on by jennrae

That’s hard to say for me because most jobs I would like to do, I would want more than one day. I suppose it would be interesting to be a magazine editor for a day. I wouldn’t get stressed out by deadlines or worry about messing anything up because I wouldn’t be around for the fallout but the process and how it works would be interesting to me.

Same with a newspaper editor or a publisher. Although being an indie publisher sounds like fun to me, I wouldn’t know how to get it up and running.

I always wanted to run my own bookstore, when I retire someday, assuming I get to retire, maybe I will. I just can’t see myself sitting around doing nothing. I like books, and movies, and would like to continue to be around them forever.

I am interested in the cultural discourse they provide. I also like to notice how things change over time. I like the history of it, and I like to see how technology alters it.

I guess being a film history professor would be fun for a day as well, as long as I don’t have to grade papers. I enjoy deep diving on things that some may not care about.

I like seeing the differences between the 1960 Magnificent 7 and the 2016 one, or even Seven Samurai which both are based on. I like watching all these Nicolas Cage movies, and writing short stories about what if situations that may or may not happen. I enjoy this sort of thing and like to think about how it works, why it works, and who it is aimed at.

I also would love being a product tester. I am one anyway, just not being paid for it. I am one of those people that has to try the Blackberry Dr Pepper. Doesn’t matter if someone tells me it is awful, I have to try it. Summer sausage Pringles, yep, gotta try it. PB and J Reese’s cups, yep, gotta try it. I am a sucker for that sort of thing. Not sure I would want to do it all the time, but one day would be fun.

Daily writing prompt
What’s a job you would like to do for just one day?
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Posted in Life, Writing

Where Do You See Yourself in 10 Years?

Posted on by jennrae

Ten years is a long time. I have almost been at my job for nine years in June. I guess I will be close to retirement. I would like to be a published author by then, and be a part of a creative community. I would also like to be financially in a good position where I could travel and experience more of the world.

I would like to be in a place where I wouldn’t have to worry or fret over things. My kid will be done with college most likely and off having adventures. I would like to be in a good place enjoying my life writing and wandering.

I hope to be where I am but more polished, more advanced. More writing and more fun.

I’d like to have someone in my life to do said adventures with, ideally. But I won’t settle for just anyone. Either way, I plan on living life and having few to no regrets. The future is bright as long as I work on improving things now.

Daily writing prompt
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
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Posted in Fiction, Life, Writing

What Job Would I Do For Free?

Posted on by jennrae

Well, I think writing I do do for free, but do I consider it a job? It is more of a past time at the moment, if something becomes a job it tends not to be fun anymore. In my experience anyhow. I am also a wannabee film critic for free. It is also not a job but something I do for fun. Technically, it costs me money because I will buy a DVD just to have the ability to compare it to another.

I suppose I do both of these for free, or at a cost because I pay for the website. The hope is someday I will get my act together and publish something and I will have a promotion network set up for it, and it will pay for itself. I am not looking to get rich, I just want to do something I enjoy and am passionate about. Movies and books are just two of the more obvious things.

It is a beautiful day here today, and I am writing from a coffee shop just to get out of the house and out of my own head a bit. I need a break from myself.

I am going to see Metropolis later and am excited to do that in a room of other like minded people. I will record a video on that experience later. I am behind uploading them. I have a ton of videos that need to live somewhere.

I have been putting them on twitter just because I have a bigger audience on there and they seem to upload faster. But I am getting disenchanted with the site lately. It is hard to get into social media after the program limits your reach and flags you for being a bot.

Plus, Elon is a constant presence there, and you can’t ignore him either. So, that has made me seriously consider Youtube. But I am such an amateur compared to the people on there. Not sure I can compete there, and I hate starting over from scratch. That is the quandary folks. Start over, or dig in. Not sure what the best option is. I suppose I could do both.

Daily writing prompt
What job would you do for free?
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