Author: jennrae

Singe mom, part time writer of primarily sci-fi and fantasy. Also, a hopeless romantic that is into classic cinema and grunge/nineties music. Part time optimist, part time cynic Twitter is Jennisfora Rae.
Posted in Uncategorized, Writing

Writing Prompt Boot Camp #1..Breaking up with Writer’s Block.

Posted on by jennrae

“Dear Writer’s Block, it’s not you, it’s me …I am going to commit to writing every single day whether I feel especially inspired or not.  I have spent way too much time giving myself excuses for not writing getting caught up in drama and little things and entertainment that is created by others. I am a creator and it is time for me to create rather than consume.  I need to brush the dust out of the brain to edit my novel properly.  I need to do some fresh writing.

I did more writing when I didn’t have a car. It is funny how when you are riding public transit or waiting for the next bus to come you feel the need to fill the void of that ten to fifteen minutes, but if you are comfortable at home it is just as easy to pop in a movie or binge watch Breaking Bad. There is something about being in between places that forces me to be creative and perhaps my life has become too predictable, too ordinary.  There aren’t enough gaps for stories to thrive. My time is scheduled, over booked, except for writing. Writing is my passion, my key to being centered and fulfilled and not making time for it often leads me to feeling listless or aimless.

For that reason among others, you have to go Writer’s Block. I have spent way too much time, money and energy on you and wasted precious time I can never get back. I know of no one else who has 4 novels sitting on their floor since 2001. And over a dozen short stories but none written this year. I want to do NANOWRIMO this year, no excuses. No maybe next year. What if I were to die in a freak accident next year? I want no more regrets.  I don’t want to look back wondering where all my time went. Wondering if I am leaving any contribution to society or any mark on this world. Anything for my son to be proud of? I am a descendant of Mark Twain, or his father anyway, and how many people can say that? I am sure there are some, but not many.  I have a writer’s legacy, I have been writing since I was 6. I went to the Cougar writing conference at 11. I got to see Peninsula College back then. I had a lot of encouragement from teachers.

I drew horses and unicorns and dreamed a lot. I made histories, names, and genealogies of fictional families, races, creatures.  Where did that go? I used to put myself to sleep by going through my own fictional soap opera called Zennis. Still haven’t written that story, and it is one door among a long hallway of dimensions waiting for me to explore;  so many stories lying dormant, waiting for my pen to bring them to life, to share the stories with others. I miss having a writer’s group, perhaps I should find a new one. It helped me to stay focused, to make time. Timed writes were helpful too, really allowed me to see other settings and forced me to think of other ideas I may not have without that pressure and limitation.

So, I am going to commit to myself, to get up at 5 am, and write until around 5 30 so that I can write without distractions and it is a time I can write on a daily basis since I often get up at 5 30 to get ready for work, it will force me to fit it in. If I am feeling truly inspired I will have a notepad with me and will write later. I used to keep one by my bed because some of my favorite stories actually came from dreams and if you don’t write them down immediately little details disappear, and sometimes whole planets and languages are just gone. And the only thing I can remember is that it was really cool. That makes me sad because I know it was a moment in time and the story is gone forever never to return.

When I was deep into writing my novel for the first time I fell in love with the characters, I lived and breathed with them, felt bad when they were hurt. They felt like real people. I was obsessed and focused and there were never enough hours in the day. I would get home from work and write until I went to bed, got up early so I could write before work, go to work, come back home and write some more. It got so intense; my husband at the time actually became jealous of my novel because I spent more time writing it than talking to him.  He passionately hated my novel, but would brag to others that I had written it.  It is hard for people to understand the total concentration required; the shutting off of everything but this one thing for hours. It seems crazy, like a neurosis. Maybe it is something a creative person could understand but a more traditional sort might have trouble with. Perhaps writers are crazy.

When you, Writer’s Block come in, it is like the fountain has been shut off, and no matter how hard I turn the knob nothing happens. It is like my heart has been removed, but I don’t die, but I am not alive either. It is a horrible stagnant feeling. But most often it just is a sign that I have drifted too far from my authentic self or got caught up in the minutiae of everyday existence.  The day to day grind kills dreams. Too much time worrying about bills, and tasks and what other people are doing or not doing, it removes me further from what I should be doing. It is easy to get caught in this trap, this nonexistent existence.  This killing of time, destroying worlds by not writing them down. Not creating history that will never be real but may really affect someone and speak to a deeper meaning or purpose.

I still feel that Science- Fiction especially lends itself to exploring deep issues with humanity and the world. It is like the ultimate what if scenario, the ultimate sand box experience. You put in hypothetical’s and explore what may happen under specific conditions. Fantasy often lends itself to exploring archetypes and history and the heroic quest. It explores something deeply primal and necessary, the human story.  It looks back while Science-Fiction looks forward. I love them best but have dabbled in suspense/horror as well. It can also explore the human condition and I love a twisted ending.

Part of the joy I get from the short story is the twist or the epiphany you get at the end. It is that sensation that the light has been turned on and now everything makes sense. I like that feeling and I like putting it together. A novel takes a different kind of approach. I knew how I wanted it to start, and I knew how it would end, but the middle only had a few incidents mapped out. A lot of little events became important along the way, and I found myself going on the path less taken often. So often that the novel is a mess, and perhaps a more experienced writer would have recognized the danger signs and know how and when to reign the beast in.  Now it is a massive intimidating behemoth that I am perpetually rewriting.

Sometimes I think I should give up on this dream, and start afresh. But it is hard; I keep finding myself wanting to do justice to those characters I spent so much time with.  I feel I almost owe it to them to get their story published. Their existence depends on people being able to get to know them like I have, and it is my duty as a writer to make them real, and allow people to care about them. So, Writer’s Block, I have no more time in my life for you, pack your bags, you have over stayed your welcome. There is the door, good bye and if I see you again, don’t expect a long stay.

Posted in Life

I am still Among the Living…

Posted on by jennrae

Just wanted to reassure any passersby that I am still around, still kicking, still thinking, writing, and living.

Been internalizing some thoughts, and just taking things day by day. Sometimes it is easy to get caught into the routine of things and I have to make myself stop and think about where I am at, and where I want to go. Figure out what I need to do to get where I would like to be. And now my son factors into any decision short or long-term that I make, because it directly impacts him in many ways. I need to look beyond myself and what I want, and think about the future and what I want for him.

Sometimes life gets complicated, and sometimes things are really simpler than they seem, or don’t have to be as complicated as they are. I think sometimes we can choose to be happy, and choose to be unhappy. I think taking a moment and being grateful for what we have is important, and  I know I need to be reminded to do that now and again.

I am grateful for my health, that I have a job, that I have a roof over my head, that I have a family who loves me, and will be there for me if needed, and for my son, who is a treasure. I am grateful for his health, and the health of my brothers and my parents, and that we are all safe from harm and are lucky to be citizens of the US and live in prosperity. We may not be wealthy, I certainly am not, but we are fortunate to live in a place where for the most part, is safe and sound. Most of my chaos is internal. I can say that I will probably live to see tomorrow, and the next day. That short of a freak occurence, most people I know will be safe and around.

Unfortunately, there have been some occurences in recent times, in my small area, of murders. And it just illustrates to me that we can never be one hundred percent sure of anything. I live in a safer place than some, but anything can happen anywhere. So, be grateful for what you have right now. And love life, because this is the moment. Right now, right here. I do not know what happens after we die, but there may not be a do over. So, don’t live in the past, don’t live in regret, look forward to the future, and plan for now.  I know that is what I plan on doing. Although the best laid plans can and will go awry, the best plans also plan for such things. 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

Automatons and Service Industry Workers, or Machines vs. the Minimum Wage Worker

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Just an idea I had, as my online school had a passage on the Luddite movement. Kind of an interesting phenomenon that occurred in the early 1800s and had to do with a backlash of the industrial revolution. These Luddites as they were called were english textile workers who felt they were being replaced by less skilled workers because of new technology. No longer did business  need their skills, when they just needed someone to help run the machine.

This got me thinking to my old job at Blockbuster. As I am sure most of you are aware, finding brick and mortar video stores is getting more and more difficult. I look at the “Redbox” that is by most drugstores, and at services like Netflix as being primarily responsible. Luckily for me, I left that job before it disappeared, but still, I have a feeling of deja vu in my current employment when I completed a shift at another branch of my bank that has a younger clientele. I spent a good portion of the day watching customers go to the ATM machine. At one point theye waited in line, despite the lobby in the bank being empty. The older people would go into the bank, and deal with actual live people. But most of the younger people preferred the machine.

Another example I have seen is the self check out lines. Sure, they are quirky and you need an employee to stand there, and oversee them, and train the customer how to use them, and get them unstuck. But what happens when people are trained to use them, and it becomes a no brainer? Like using an ATM, or a Redbox? What if the glitches are all but eliminated? Where does that retail worker go?

Sure, there are workers somewhere that are employed to help build these machines. Although machine building itself is becoming increasingly automated, still someone has to make the molds to make the parts, assembly line workers need to put them together right?

Back to the Luddites then. These assembly line workers, what kind of skill do they really need? What kind of wages can a corporation get away with paying them? Are people with this skill set hard to find, or replace? I would argue no, they aren’t. Which is why companies outsource this type of work to countries where there is either no minimum wage, or the wage is much lower than the U.S. These jobs do disappear from here, and the service jobs, do become rarer.

Someday everyone will be comfortable with the ATM, which is now envelope free and can do everything from print statements, to email your balance to you. The next generation will have to figure out another way to make a living as a lot of these jobs will be gone, and the basic factory jobs will be elsewhere.

This all reminds me of one thing, which does give me some hope. There is a scene in the Fifth Element, where the main villain breaks something, and all these little robots come out to clean up the mess. he is making the argument that he is creating life out of destruction, and that he is creating more jobs by using these machines in the end. But, when he chokes on a piece of fruit, the priest points out, “Where is the robot to pat you on the back?”  As long as we still need people, all hope is not lost.

Posted in Uncategorized

We’ll Get There When We Get There…or Why Patience is Everything

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Because I love using cliches as examples because most of them many of us have heard some time or another, here goes another one: Patience is a Virtue. I have heard that one as a kid, and have used it on my kid numerous times. Not sure I ever fully learn the lesson, but saying it seems to help.

None of us likes to wait for anything. Waiting in the grocery store, the bank, drugstore, post office, in traffic. We all end up in the “waiting place.” Like the waiting place in the Dr. Seuss book of wisdom, “Oh the Places You’ll Go,” we all end up sometimes waiting to get unstuck. Like the book says, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for our time to come, moment to shine, just waiting for something to happen.

Patience is more than waiting. Patience is being able to bide your time constructively. It isn’t waiting. It is being content with things as they are right now. It is taking the moment to breathe and think to yourself, “Man, I hate waiting to pick up my prescription, but the sun is shining outside, and I don’t have a terminal illness. I will eventually reach the front of the line and pay the money and get my pills and be on my way.”

Patience is acceptance. Patience is realizing that right now things are out of your control. That getting emotional will not solve anything, and will not make you reach your objective faster. Look for opportunities instead of problems. Waiting in line at the grocery store? Maybe the person in front of you is also bored and would welcome a conversation. Take the time to look at the tabloids and realize how silly they are. Think about all the things you are grateful for in your life, and what your life would be like if you couldn’t afford groceries.

The moral of the story is don’t waste your time, use your time wisely, but accept when you are temporarily out of control and use that mental energy to look within instead of lashing out. Remember, there is no fire. Sometimes good things do come for those who are willing to wait, as long as they are also being constructive and positive.

Happy Easter everyone, by the way, and don’t eat too much chocolate! 🙂

Posted in Uncategorized

To Self Publish or Not to Self Publish?

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Not sure what the pros and cons are in either, although once initial rights have been sold I would imagine it would be difficult to resell them for much. I had to learn the hard way that putting work on the internet is the same as self publishing for free, so I have had to make a lot of writing private or restricted just to protect the rights in case I wanted to sell them.

However, as far as my novel is concerned, it is currently unpublishable, but if I were to fix it up, which path should I take? These days if you want someone like Tor to publish your work you need an agent, which I don’t currently have. But, putting all that aside, which would you do, and why? Just curious what other more knowledgeable people might think. I have published a couple short stories in college lit journals, but the rewards were getting in print, and in one case, getting a flower. Don’t know what happened to that flower…poor thing, that doesn’t bode well. Thoughts? Which direction should I focus on? 🙂

Posted in Life

Tomorrow is Another Day…But Let’s Not Forget About Today

Posted on by jennrae

I have to head out the door and go to work but thought I would do a quick post. I think it is easy for people to get attached to the past, myself included, and tend to forget that today is the day that matters most. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t here yet. I have a list of immediate goals I need to get done today, which will have to wait until after work. Then, I have my macro goals which are in the back of my mind.

Procrastination is one of my areas that I need to work on, so while there is always tomorrow, there is also today, and even a small job becomes overwhelming if you keep putting it off.

So, onwards and upwards! Today is the first day of the rest of your existence.  As I like to tell my son, you have a choice. You can go in as a grumpy bear, or you can march in like a big boy…well, getting the big girl panties on and going to march into work, and make it a great day! Hope you all do the same! 🙂

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

It isn’t over til it’s over…or why giving up isn’t as easy as it sounds

Posted on by jennrae

I’m sitting in the coffee shop right now thinking and being all existential-like. Life has meaning, I believe this. If  I have faith in anything, it is that things happen for a reason whether we understand the reason or not. If you were to die tomorrow, and see the events of your life, would you be proud of the life you lived? Or would you be filled with regret?

Right now, I look back and feel that I have done a lot of self discovery but still not accomplished much. If I died tomorrow, I would feel like I let myself down in some ways. I didn’t try hard enough to publish my novel, didn’t get my degree, never got to see the world. But, on the other hand, I did have a beautiful son, I had several good love stories with beautiful moments. I know there are people who would miss me everyday. I treasure these memories, and I know that my time on earth hasn’t been a waste. Every experience helps shape who you are and what you will become. Every person you meet impacts you, and affects you.

It is never truly over. Life is a cycle, and even if someone leaves your life, they will come back, perhaps not in the same form, maybe not to fill the same role. But they aren’t gone. They live on in your thoughts, dreams, and wishes.

Giving up on a future, or a dream of where you thought it was all going is so very hard because you felt so sure, so certain of the destination. But, like the cliche says, the “even the best laid plans go awry.”

Nothing worth doing is easy, and giving up on a dream isn’t either. But the fantasy of being with someone isn’t the same as the dream of writing a novel, of getting a master’s degree, of seeing your child get a master’s degree. The dream of being with someone isn’t something you can make happen. It takes the other person to be in the same dream. When two people are living two separate dreams it cannot work.  And, living in a dream world will prevent you from accomplishing things in life, and increase the chance of looking back with regrets. Regret is wasted energy. The past is gone, it isn’t coming back.

I will always look back in the year I had with fondness, without regret. It was beautiful, and I know that next year will be as well. It will  be different, but that can be good. Part of life is change, and how we deal with change. So, live life, sometimes living means giving up on one dream so you can live another. The future is always hopeful, the past is always finished. The present moment is where we find the most joy, and the most lasting fulfillment, so use your time wisely. Enjoy the moments while you have them, nothing lasts forever.

Posted in Life

Love Never Goes Away…Like Energy It Isn’t Created or Destroyed

Posted on by jennrae

The object of your affection may leave you, permanently or temporarily but what is going through my mind right now is the feeling you feel doesn’t actually leave you. It stays, maybe dims, maybe gets rerouted to someone new, or someone else. But it doesn’t disappear, even your love for a specific person doesn’t die. You have the memories and the times you spent, they are yours like precious diamonds. No one can take them away from you, nor can any situation,not even the death of the person. Your life with them never truly ends. Your memories live on and give them life.

 

If  you fall in love again, and you will, your former partner may dim from your life, but down the line you may remember something they said or some kind gesture. They may not be at the fore front of your thoughts, but in a way they never leave you. They are there in the memories. If a loved one dies, they also remain. Those gems are the most precious. You know they loved you and you know they would still love you if they could. Continuing to love them and their memory is giving them life again. They will live on through us and we will live on through our loved ones when our time comes. All is never lost, merely misplaced.

Posted in Life

Letting Go is Hard, but Necessary

Posted on by jennrae

I drove by where I went to high school near my favorite coffee shop, and remembered how I lost a little ring right before graduation. I never had time to properly look for it, although I tried with the time I did have. It was small, and had a tiny blue sapphire. It wasn’t a real sapphire, just glass and some cheap metal. It was basically a dime store ring.

So, what was so special about this ring? The reason I wore it that day? I had owned that ring since I was five years old. It meant a lot to me, my mom gave it to me but I don’t remember how it came about. Was it my birthday? Was it just because I saw it and liked it? The details are lost, I just knew I had it for a very long time. It became a part of me. It went through all my trials and tribulations up to that point in my life. It transcended being a dime store ring, and became my childhood, culminating in my graduation.

So, what made me suddenly remember combing the concrete path near the old gym/auditorium as I drove by? I can’t say for sure, but a good guess is that I was subconsciously reminding myself that like back then, I am now also undergoing a transition. And, while it may not have been for so many years, I did have someone who journeyed with me for a year, who went through the trials and tribulations of my current life. Someone who I must now let go.

Like the ring, I spent all the time I could retracing my steps, hoping to find what I’d lost. But, eventually I used up all the time, and had to go on with my life, and accept that it was over, that the ring, or in this case, this special person’s journey with me had come to an end. It was time to start a new chapter of my life, one which I have no idea where it ends, or how. It’s an open-ended book, the possibilities are endless.

Don’t waste too much time looking for your dime store ring. The meaning you attach to it, is in the memories and events, not the item itself. Some things and some people disappear from your life, and accepting that they are gone and mourning the loss is a way to transition to better things, better times. Someday you will be able to drive by the area, and passively remember searching for the ring, and it will be just another memory.

Posted in Life

Change is Good…or Great Expectations and Why No Expectations are the Greatest!

Posted on by jennrae

I’m writing this looking forward to the future. I get to get back into dating, this time I will take my time and enjoy the process of getting to know another human being. My goal is not to rush into anything, but at the same time I am excited for a fresh start. A start where someone doesn’t have a preconceived notion of who I am, or who I should be. Someone that will hopefully, have an open mind and possibly grow to love me as I am in this moment. Not for any perceived potential or tweaking, or reinvention. Someone who may just end up being a one time fun date, or a friend, or a lover.

I love going into it without expecting anything in return. It is like I am leaving the answer up to the universe to figure out. I am not hedging all my happiness on one poor soul, but I am looking forward to the experience nonetheless. If I don’t go into it thinking this is my last shot of the love lottery, I am not as likely to be disappointed.

Can I still be disappointed? Of course, there is always the possibility of that. Him cancelling the date, changing his mind, not meeting, not getting to know someone. Those things would be disappointing, but not in a traumatic way. I am not heavily invested. It would be more like, well, that sucks, let’s see who else is out there. Not, OMG, I am UNLOVABLE!! Which is the polar opposite reaction, the reaction that takes every failure personally. My goal is to not take it personally. Whatever will be, will be. My goal is to not stop taking risks, to not let fear be the deciding factor of my life.

A quote from a sweet romantic film done by Baz Luhrman comes to mind, Strictly Ballroom, if you haven’t seen it, you should, “A life Lived in fear is a life half-lived.” The whole movie is about people and how they perceive success and failure, and how that fear of being a failure, or being laughed at, ridiculed, put down makes some people give up on their dreams, their goals. I say, don’t give up! If it is worth doing, it won’t be easy. If you go down without a fight, you will always live your life full of regrets. “Why didn’t I try harder, why did I give up, why didn’t I give it my all?, why didn’t I put myself back out there? Fear of rejection is still just fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let the fear win. Adversity makes us stronger in the end. 🙂