Month: November 2025

Posted in Life

What’s the First Impression You Want to Give People?

Posted on by jennrae

The first impression I wish I could give people would be one of being inviting and open. In reality I can come across standoffish and reserved and a bit icy. I don’t know how to change how I come across.

I must give out a leave me the hell alone vibe. And, for a long time that is what I wanted. I have moments where I still do. I have a very limited social battery and it runs out fast.

I like to be cheerful and accommodating, but I have to be honest with myself. I do not often have the bandwidth for that, and I hate small talk. I often wish people would just say what they really mean and get to the point.

I am socially awkward at best, outright socially hostile at other times. It is a bizarre miracle that I ended up in customer service. I obviously go out of my way to be charming and sweet when I am at work, but I find I am exhausted when I come home.

Socializing online doesn’t tire me out, but it also isn’t as real. I have had trouble thinking online people were dear friends only to be reminded that they are casual acquaintances in actuality.

It was easier to have a real friend group when I was young and in a school setting. Now, it is just a bunch of friendly but distant faces, knowing and not knowing me at the same time.

I don’t have much closeness. I will be the first to admit a lot of this is my fault. Intimacy scares me, getting hurt scares me. I distance myself to keep myself safe, but I also feel alone most of the time, even in a room full of people.

I used to think of myself as a wandering alien, visiting this planet, trying to understand humankind, and mostly failing. I still feel that way sometimes. I have mistaken friendliness with more and mistaken cruelty for love.

Sometimes up is down, and down is up. Maybe that is why I get frustrated with the dance of words. People asking how I am, and not really wanting to know the answer. Telling me about the weather, when I know all ready.

People wishing me a good day, when they are just saying it out of ingrained habit and don’t really care how my day is or will be going.

I have isolated because in the past I trusted the wrong people. So now I don’t trust my own judgement. I don’t trust myself to make a good call on who to let in, or not let in. So, my default is to let no one in.

Or the few in my inner sanctum, but even they don’t know the half of me, I carefully choose my words and thoughts and only give them the curated version. The sanitized version. I don’t know how to stop being so distant.

Sometimes I feel so lost I don’t know who I am, or where I begin or end. I know this much, I do peacemaker middle child role quite well, I also do caretaker doting parent.

I do pained artist quite well, but I do not know how to be happy or successful. I am my own worst enemy. And, I know that. Maybe writing this out is the first step in a new direction where I give myself permission to start over. Here is to hoping, and I honestly hope everyone that passes this way is having the best of days. I really do.

Love, JenRae

Daily writing prompt
What’s the first impression you want to give people?
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Posted in Uncategorized

About the Time I tried to See Frankenstein in the Theater…

Posted on by jennrae

It was late October or early November. My memory likes to play tricks with things like times and dates, so I have to write everything down. It can be annoying or frustrating to say the least.

Either way, I wanted to see Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein in the theater. I had seen Nosferatu, and I hope to see The Bride and Dracula in the theater when they come out.

Since Netflix was producing Frankenstein, it had a very limited theater run, and only two theaters in western Washington were playing it, and I didn’t buy tickets ahead of time. One theater was sold out, so that made the choice for us.

Time for a short road trip to a place called Monroe, Washington which I hadn’t heard of. Apparently, it is kind of close to Woodinville. The weather was hostile and windy, and rainy and rather foreboding. Honestly, it would have been the perfect weather to go see Frankenstein, except for the fact it knocked the power out.

There was debris and broken tree branches all along the road, and over the Hood Canal Bridge the wind was so strong I felt my little car sway and shake.

When we finally got to the theater, we decided we were a bit early, so we went across the street to a Walmart and decided to buy snacks. That was when the power went out.

Walmart had a generator so we managed to buy our snacks, but it didn’t bode well for the Galaxy Theater. Sure enough, it was out there as well. An attendant that vaguely resembled Andrew Garfield apologized to people. An inflatable spooky house lay pooled on the floor.

We didn’t pre pay, so we just left, and as soon as we made it to the Woodinville AMC where Good Fortune was playing, the power was back on in Monroe. So, we decided to drive the thirty minutes back hoping we could still see Frankenstein.

The attendant tells us the servers are still not up, and then the power goes out again. So, it was a tough call, but I had to give up. I knew it would be out on Netflix in early November, so this was my one and last opportunity.

I finally got to see it on my tv. I honestly can say it is visually stunning, and would have been magnificent on the big screen. Here is hoping it is up for some Oscars, sometimes they give the movies and additional theater run. I may yet get another chance. I enjoyed it immensely, it is still worth seeing of course. But some movies look really good on the big screen. And this would have.

We ended up because of the drive back to Monroe, missing Good Fortune at Woodinville, but catching it at the South Center Mall instead because the time lined up with the way home perfectly. And that movie was fun, and I am glad I saw it. I guess things have a funny way of working out how they are meant to.